"As much fun as the past few nights have been we need to get serious. We have yet to come up with a decent plan on how I'm supposed to confront Brendon."
Hey look at that. I used his name without the awkward pause before saying it. Progress!
It's been three days straight of Ryan, Jon, and Spencer showing up at my apartment and sitting in my living room for hours coming up with absolutely ridiculous ideas. Don't get me wrong, it has been the most fun I've had in a really long time but this is serious. I'm not a very patient person. When I get an idea in my head I want to act on it as soon as possible. And for me, two weeks has been way too long a wait to talk to Brendon. Even though I'm not exactly looking forward to the actual talk I want to have with him, I am looking forward to just seeing him again. In person that is, since I haven't been able to get him out of my head for a single minute over the past six months.
"Kadence is right. Although Jon's plan was rather entertaining, it's not quite the right way to go."
"Aw come on Ry. I think its perfect. You know, you just need a little humor in the situation to lighten the mood..."
"Yeah, no. The only thing perfect about that plan is to show the perfect way to do this completely wrong."
Not again! This is what I've been dealing with. Every time one of them comes up with a suggestion they spend at least ten minutes arguing about it before they move on to the next idea.
"It wasn't that bad Spence, geez." Jon said with a pout. Typical. "Besides it was better than your idea. I mean we're just trying to get two people to talk, not attempt an act of espionage. Why would we possibly need walkie-talkies, rope, and three sets of disguises?"
"You just don't understand the genius behind it. How could it not work? By starting out..."
"Ok, that's enough." Thankfully Ryan cut him off before he could go into another forty five minute explanation of his...unique plan.
"We need to think of something simple. Something that won't take a lot of planning. You guys know he has already started complaining that we haven't been around lately, so we can't keep coming here every night."
"So what would make for a simple solution?"
Why does Spencer ask these things? If we had the answer to that we would have had a plan three days ago.
A few minutes pass and we are still sitting here hoping for a brilliant plan to just miraculously come to us.
"Why didn't I think of this sooner!"
Whoa. Really? Maybe I should hope for miraculous occurrences more often.
"Well Ry, are you going to share this plan of yours, or do we have to guess?"
Did I mention I have a problem with patience?
"Okay so next week we have a signing at the new record store across the street from The Cafe..."
I'm really going to have to talk to Ryan about his damn dramatic pauses.
"Alright, alright. So you show up, stand in line, blah blah blah. You get up to the table, I say I told you to come by or something, Brendon will probably be surprised. So before he says anything you can tell him you want to talk and ask him if you can have a few minutes after the signing. That way we aren't forcing him, which would likely just make him mad, and if he does freak out you know it won't be bad."
"Right because he would walk away instead of causing a scene with all those fans around!"
"You're a genius Ryan."
As much as I would hate to have him walk away without talking to me, if it comes to the 'worst cause scenario' I would rather deal with that than have him yell and scream and...yeah.
"As much as I hate to admit it, she's right. You are a genius...in this situation."
"Thanks Spence, I think."
With that settled we spent the rest of the night just hanging out like we used to. The only thing I have left to do is figure out what exactly I need to say to Brendon. And how I'm going to deal with seeing him again.
The past five days have flown by and I really don't think I can do this. What was I thinking? I can't face Brendon. I can't expect him to want to talk to me just because I've finally decided it was time I apologized. I just can't.
But this is what I have been working toward for the past month. I need to tell him how sorry I am for everything, how sorry doesn't even begin to cover it. I promised Ryan I would do this. I promised myself. So I have to go. Well, if nothing else I can at least go and see him...then leave before he sees me.
An hour later, I finally talked myself into leaving my apartment and I'm currently standing in the longest line ever. I seriously didn't think this many people would show up. It's probably going to take two hours for me to just get in the building!
And the screaming. I'm already annoyed with all the little tweensters. The screams for Ryan, Spencer, and Jon I can handle. I can't deal with hearing 'OMG I luv you Brendon' every two seconds. A few feet ahead of me I can hear a girl and her friend detailing every feature of Brendon's face and how much they love each one... I'm raking my brain trying to think of all the different religions there are so I can pray to every higher being that I can make it through this without hurting anyone, like those two girls for instance.
Another hour has passed and the line seems to have barely moved. Ok that's a lie. I'm over halfway to the door now. I'm just too anxious to be standing in a line like this. I tried to distract myself with music but for the first time ever it isn't working...
Ok, I thought I was being paranoid but now I'm sure that this chick behind me is staring at me. Do I say something or try to ignore it? Ugh, I really can't stand it when people stare at me like this though. And right now it's only making me more nervous.
"Can I help you with something?"
I could have taken a nicer approach I guess...too late for that though.
"Oh sorry. It's just, you look really familiar. Do I know you?"
"Um, I don't think so. I mean no offense or anything but I don't make it a habit to hang out with, what, sixteen year olds?"
"Well congrats to you. But the point was I highly doubt I know you, so could you maybe stop staring at me?"
"Yeah, again, sorry." After an awkward pause she continued with "I'm Sarah by the way."
No way am I telling her my full name. She would realize why I look so familiar and that is the last thing I need. I can just imagine it now...she would make the connection and say, loudly no doubt, something to the effect of 'Oh my god, you're the girl that broke Brendon's heart! How dare you!' And then all the little fan girls would converge on me and beat me with their posters and magazines...
Why didn't I think of that before? How stupid do I have to be to think I could show up and stand in line with a mass amount of fans and expect them to not recognize me? I mean there were pictures of me and Brendon everywhere.
Completely unaware that I'm having a nervous breakdown this girl Sarah just keeps at it.
"So is that short for something, or is it just Kay?"
"Uh, it's just Kae." I need Ryan.
"So you're a big fan?"
"Well I'm not standing in this line just for the hell of it."
Why can't she take the hint that I don't want to talk to her? Pulling out my phone, I text Ryan.
"Cool. Have you ever seen them live? They are amazing live!"
"Yeah more times that I can count actually."
Ryan's being a bad rock star. It should have taken a few minutes for him to respond but he replied almost immediately.
Caught up in typing my reply I didn't see the strange look Sarah gave me.
'Some girl might know me.'
"So what, are you like a groupie?"
That definitely caught me off guard. If I don't want this girl figuring it out I should pay attention to what I'm saying to her.
"You said you've been to a bunch of their concert...so I asked if you're like a groupie."
"Oh no, me and a friend just followed them on tour a few years ago."
Again Ryan responded quickly.
'Shit. Didn't think about that.'
Well that was helpful. He's supposed to tell me what to do, the perfect solution and all that.
'What do I do?'
"So how did you manage that? I mean you don't seem that much older than me and tickets for an entire tour must have been really expensive?"
"Yeah, um...It was our graduation present from our parents. They bought all the tickets. I drove and paid for gas, and she paid for hotels. It was awesome." Lies, lies, and more lies.
"That's so cool. I wish my parents would do something like that for me!"
Why won't she shut up? Maybe if I don't say anything she'll take the hint. Looking at the message Ryan just sent me I can only hope she'll stop.
'Don't know. Just make sure no1 finds out.'
Well that just blew all my plans. I was really looking forward to getting everyone's attention to let them know that yes I am Kadence the girl who broke Brendon's heart. Which probably made them all happy that he was single instead of upset that he was hurting...stupid fan girls.
"So anyways...what are you getting signed?"
Is that really what they talk about out here. I mean I remember the screaming and professions of love, I expected the nonstop chatter of how much they love every single thing about the band. But what am I getting signed? How many choices are there? CD, poster, or magazine. Not very interesting topic of discussion if you ask me.
"Um...just this CD."
"Which one is it?"
Ugh. If it wouldn't draw unwanted attention I would bang my head against the wall...
"Oh cool. Did you know that when they first recorded that one, they had the original few copies made with the cover done in red instead of green? I heard that they changed it because of one of their friends."
"Do you know everything about them?"
"Well yeah, pretty much!"
Since I can't very well hit her, I started tapping the CD case against my hand trying to get my annoyance under control.
"OH. MY. GOD. How...why...what...Ohmygawd! How did you get this?"
Oh great. Did I mention that I have a copy of the CD with the original cover? There is no way I can explain having this. She is going to figure it out any minute now.
"Oh um, my dad knows this guy that works at the place where they made all the copies of the CD. I heard about the original cover and wanted one so I begged him for like a month straight to ask the guy to print me a copy of the red cover...and finally he did?"
I hope she buys that, and didn't catch my tone at the end. That's the only way I get caught lying. If I'm under too much pressure to make up a lie, I make the end of what I'm saying sound like a question.
After an agonizingly long pause she finally looked up from the CD and pretty much squealed.
"You are so lucky! I have to show my friend." She turned around to look for said friend so I took the opportunity to text Ryan again.
'I'm so gonna get busted!'
"Kae this is my friend Nicki."
Looking up from my phone I barely glance at the girl before she gives me a weird look and says "I know you."
"Uh, no you don't."
"That's what I thought Nik. But she claims to not associate with people our age." This was said with a highly irritating skeptical tone.
"What are you implying? I'm mean really, why would someone my age hang out with teenagers."
"Well for starters we don't know how old you are. And have you looked around? You're surrounded by teenagers."
I am really going to slap this little Sarah chick if she doesn't shut it soon.
In my most mocking and condescending tone I reply "Well for starters I'm 21. And I have looked around. I'm surrounded by a bunch of little poser scene girls trying too hard to fit the image of what they think emo rock is."
Aw, that's so cute. They are shocked into silence. How adorable. And quiet. Finally.
"Wait. I know how I know you."
Ugh. That was short lived.
"Oh really? I just can't wait to hear how you think you know me."
Sarcasm is my weapon of choice when annoying little girls won't take the hint.
"You're Kadence. You use to date Brendon!"
With a gasp and overly dramatic facial expression Sarah grabbed her friend and starting jumping around.
"That's it! I knew I recognized her and that's why."
Both girls continued jumping up and down making strange noises that can only be described as a half squeal half scream.
'Ryan! They figured it out. What do I do?'
He better have an idea this time or I'm screwed. And he better have that idea fast. More people are starting to stare...
'Lie. That's all you can do.'
That is so not helpful! But at least the girls have stopped making so much noise.
"Uh, look. You've got it all wrong. I'm not Kadence."
"Oh come on. You look exactly like Kadence. You said your name was 'Kay' and you have this." At which point Sarah grabbed the CD.
Ok what do I say. How can I get out of this?
I have no idea!
"Ok yeah, maybe I look kind of like her. And my name is Kae. But that is just a coincidence. And I told you how I got that CD. It's not really one of the originals. You'd be flat on your ass for grabbing it from me if it were."
Well that gave them pause at least.
"Ok I'll give you that. But it is more than just coincidence that you look like her and your name just happens to be what all the guys called Kadence."
Oh shit, I forgot she is crazy obsessed with them. Think Kadence! What is a good explanation for all of this?
"Do you really think that if I was Kadence I would be here? Why would she stand in line for hours like everyone else when she knows the band as well as she does."
"Probably because Brendon wouldn't let you in and this is the only way you can see any of them now since he doesn't want you around."
That one hurt. A lot. But I can't let it get to me. I have to convince these girls I'm not...me.
"If that were true, that none of them wanted to see her any more why would she stand in line for hours just to be able to see them for maybe five minutes and have them treat her like nothing more than another fan."
Again, they were silent. Hopefully that worked on them. I'm sure it was believable since it wasn't really a lie. I had a nightmare about that happening a few nights ago...
"Oh, well put that way I guess you're right. You must not be her. Sorry"
"It's fine, really. But can I have my CD back now?" Hopefully they will leave me alone now.
"Oh, here. And sorry again."
With that they turned away and started talking quietly together.
I guess I should let Ryan know everything is fine. I don't need him stressing out any more than he already is. He has to be calm so he can calm me down the next time I freak out.
A few minutes later I finally get a reply.
'Great! But B. is complaining so I can't talk any more'
Well that sucks. Now that I'm no longer in danger of exposure so to speak, I have nothing but my thoughts to pass the time.
"Kadence! Kadence! Where are you? I have something to show you." Waking up to Brendon running around yelling is not as pleasant as it sounds. Just as I was sitting up Brendon burst through my bedroom door. I barely had time to move over before he ran and dove on the bed next to me and shoved something in front of my face. I have to remember to hurt whichever parent is responsible for letting him in here like this.
"Look Kae! It's here! Isn't it just...perfect!"
Too much excitement for just waking up. I really want to hit him right now. But not really. He is just too adorable to hit. So instead I just grumbled "Yeah, good morning to you too B."
Ignoring my comment completely Brendon continues to wave whatever he has in front of my face.
"What do you think? Isn't it great?"
"Give me a second to wake up, will ya?"
After quickly rubbing my eyes, I grab what I can now see is a CD. And not just any CD. It's the demo copy of the guys' first CD.
A few weeks back Spencer announced that he was the all mighty master of the rock and roll universe because he found a guy that would let them use his recording studio. After talking it over everyone decided that having CDs to sell at the few local gigs they had coming up would be a really good idea. And, as Ryan pointed out, this way they would have even less to do once they finally got signed and could record the songs professionally. Because let's face it, as awesome as this opportunity is, recording in some guys basement with a computer and two microphones isn't going to give 'ready to sell in mass' quality.
But now, after spending countless hours with Ryan being an overachieving perfectionist, all the recording is done; and the wait for the first few copies is over. Brendon designed the cover with a flower blooming in the bottom corner, crazy spirals and random objects flowing from it's center.
He had wanted the color to be a surprise, saying only that it was going to have shades of one main color with the details in black and white.
So in my hands I now hold the finished product of all their hard work.
And it's red.
It may be Brendon's favorite color...but I really just can't stand red.
"Come on Kae! Say something already. I can't stand the silence."
Taking one last look at it, I turn to Brendon and with a playful tone, I tell him exactly what I think.
"Eh, it would be better if it was green..."
Coming back to reality I'm shocked to realize that I have almost come within sight of the table! How did I zone out enough to not notice this?
What am I going to do?
I haven't come up with anything to say yet and time is almost up.
A few steps closer and I can see the guys at the table. Spencer is closest to me, followed by Jon, Ryan, and Brendon on the opposite end. Which is no doubt thanks to Ryan. I'm sure he did something to ensure Brendon would be the last person I would approach.
If I'm lucky he won't even notice me until I'm standing in front of him. However none of this helps me in coming up with something to say! I have no idea how to keep him calm enough to stay sitting at the table let alone to give me a few minutes to talk to him. This was such a bad idea...
But it's too late to turn back now. In my state of turmoil, I lost more precious time and I'm now next in line. So I guess I just have to go with the first thing that comes to mind and hope that it won't be something utterly ridiculous.
Walking up to the table is what I imagine a walk to the gallows feels like. The knot in my stomach gets bigger with every step I take, my heart pounding harder and harder.
Finally I reach the table and look down at Spencer. He goes through the motion of treating me like any other fan; smiling and saying hello before he reaches for the CD in my hands. Instead of asking my name as they typically do he offers a quiet reassurance.
"You can do this Kae. We're all here for you. Just remember that."
And I'm being pushed further down the line by the next girl in line. Who happens to be the annoying girl from outside.
Looking down at Jon he too offers an encouraging smile before quickly signing his name.
"Love you Kae."
The panic I was feeling before is nothing to how I feel now. I barely manage to take the next step that puts me in front of Ryan. My hands are shaking and I'm pretty sure I stopped breathing at some point. When I finally look at Ryan I'm sure he can see every emotion running through me. And in true Ryan fashion he in turn lets me know everything with the smile he gives me. That smile holds all the love and encouragement only a true friend can give. That smile gives me strength to take the final step that brings me in front of everything I lost.
`And it hurts more than I could have ever imagined. He hasn't even looked up yet and it's already too much. He is even more perfect than I remembered.
For a brief second I consider leaving before he does look up. But in my moment of hesitation the option is lost as Brendon finally looks up from the table.
God, how could I have possibly thought I could do this? His gorgeous brown eyes meet mine and instantly widen with disbelief. For a tense moment we just stare at each other.
Finally I find my voice and get out a timid "Hi." Another tense minute passes, allowing me to realize that everyone close enough to see his reaction has grow quiet, no doubt to hear what is happening so they can post it all over the internet. Out of the corner of my eye I notice that Ryan is looking back and forth between us waiting for Brendon to say something. And then he does.
"What are you doing here?"
Luckily, he only seems surprised. No hints of anger in his voice or expression. Yet.
"Um, well. I-I..."
Oh great. This is not the time for me to struggle for words, stuttering and stumbling out whatever explanation I can come up with. Taking a deep breath I continue.
"I was hoping that we could talk. If you could maybe just give me a few minutes...you know when this is over and everything."
He looked toward Ryan who quickly averted his gaze, instantly letting Brendon know he had a part in this.
"So is she why you guys haven't been around lately?"
Ryan just stared down at his hands. He's never been able to handle Brendon's anger very well. The look in Brendon's eyes when he turned back to me made my heart stop for a few beats. All the hurt, the anger...the disgust that was in that one look made me wish I had never let Ryan talk me into this. I will never be able to forget that look.
"What could you possibly have to say to me that I would actually want to listen to?"
On the verge of tears I manage to choke out "Please, if you would just give me a few minutes when you're done here I can tell you what I have to say and be gone. But right now is not the time, not with all these people around."
He sighed heavily, a malicious smirk spreading across his face, before he said with all the contempt I had feared "There will never be a right time. You had your chance to talk to me and you didn't take it. Now deal with the consequences."
Before I could even try to respond, he pushed back from the table so hard he knocked his chair several feet back and stormed out the back door of the store. All I could do was stand there and stare after him. It's a strange feeling to have all of your worst fears come to life.
Ryan was making his way around the table towards me. I can't deal with hearing anything he has to say so I ran for the door before he reached me.
As I ran, I just barely heard Sarah saying "I knew it! That bitch was Kadence. Fucking serves her right."
Spencer's was the only comment I heard.
"You call yourself a fan? If all our fans are like you, I wish you'd all just go the fuck away."
That was the last thing I heard before I was back out on the street, running as fast as I could to get away from there.
Hopefully you enjoyed it!
And hopefully you'll rate and review!!! hinthint
Anyways...until next time,
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