I didn't need a constant reminder of my crippling loneliness.
Chapter 5, Pt 1 - Wallow
I spent the whole afternoon sulking in my room, reading comics and brushing up for the history test I had to write first thing that Monday morning. I knew I had the whole weekend, but I wanted to get it over with. My parents were both gone for their anniversary, so I was home alone with my brother. I locked myself away in my room because knowing Gerard, he'd find a way to bring up Frank. I groaned, rolling onto my stomach. Just thinking his name made my heart ache again.
There was a light tap on my door. I sat up, "What?"
Gerard opened the door and took one step into the room. "Hey, bro. I made dinner, come on,"
I rolled my eyes and fell back onto the bed, "I'm not hungry."
My brother folded his arms across his chest and leaned on the door frame. "Mikey, you're wasting away, come eat. Please."
I decided to succumb to Gerard's request, assuming that I wouldn't be left to wallow if I'd refused. Grudgingly, I stood up from my bed and followed Gerard upstairs to the kitchen, where two plates of spaghetti awaited us on the table. The left corner of my mouth uncontrollably turned up in a smirk, but I quickly regained my previous expression of chagrin.
Before I even had the first bite in my mouth, Gerard asked, "So, tell me about the drive home!" I dropped my fork and glared at my brother. He turned his head to the side, "C'mon, you guys must have talked at least."
I sighed, resting my cheek on my hand as I leaned my elbow on the table. "I really don't wanna think about it,"
Gerard's brow furrowed, creating a single crease in his forehead. "That bad?" My shoulders rose and fell in a shrug. "Well, you can do better than him anyway, Mikes."
"That's bullshit, and you know it." I snapped, sick of being fed lines like that. I was an awkward, gay sixteen year old boy. And even when- rather if the day did come that I met someone I felt a connection with, they would not be anything like Frank.
Gerard frowned and stared down at his plate. "I'm sorry...I just hate seeing you upset like this..." I poked at the food in front of me, truly lacking an appetite. I didn't like being upset all that much either. "Wanna go rent some movies after we eat? I know a cheesy horror movie would totally cheer you up."
I nodded indifferently, forcing myself to eat dinner. After I finished, my stomach felt sore. I wasn't used to eating that much in one sitting. Gerard and I cleared the table, but left the dishes until later. I followed Gerard to his car, and once I sat down began rubbing my swollen belly. Gerard lit up a cigarette, holding it as far away from me as possible, knowing how much I hated the smell. I followed my brother into the video store and waited for him to pick something. I trusted his brothers cinematic judgement. It took him the usual half hour to pick something. He landed on Scream, which we had both already seen and loved, and another called The Dentist. Once Gerard had paid for the videos, he handed them to me. I let a laugh slip as I read over the plot description.
"Sounds awful, right?" Gerard chuckled, walking to his car.
"Definitely," I replied, climbing into my side. A little quality entertainment was all I needed to keep my mind preoccupied.
"Is it okay with you if I invite Katrina over?" Gerard asked hopefully.
I sighed with discontent. "Are you going to be G-rated for the night? My stomach can't handle you two making out for three hours straight,"
Gerard laughed softly. "Sure, I'll be good."
"Thanks," I retorted, grimacing at the thought of my brother and his girlfriend. Part of it, I was sure, was jealousy. Having someone to talk to, to cuddle with, and to kiss sounded absolutely amazing. My greatest fear was that I would never get to experience that. I didn't need a constant reminder of my crippling loneliness that evening. Hopefully Gerard would keep his word. Once we were home, Gerard began making snacks for us whilst calling Katrina. At least I liked her. She was hilarious, and she made my brother very happy which was great because he struggled with depression.
I tromped downstairs to my room where I changed out of my khakis and dress shirt, never having bothered to change out of it when I got home from school. I pulled on some pajama pants, catching my reflection in the floor length mirror on the back of my door. I walked toward it, scrutinizing the picture before me. I pushed my glasses up to the top of my nose and pouted. I ran my fingers through my plain brown hair, trying to mess it up a bit. When I finished it just seemed to fall back to its original place. I stared at my pasty arms, displeased with their small size. I turned to the side and ran a hand down my stomach. I realized I was much too skinny, but if I liked one thing about myself, it was my stomach. I liked that it was completely flat and the way my hip bones protruded slightly at the top of my pants. I sighed, grabbing a shirt off my dresser. I heard a knock at my window suddenly. Confused, I dropped the shirt and pulled back the curtains and saw a pair of black chucks. "What?" I mumbled under my breath. I pulled open the window with great difficulty. "Hello?" I called. The person standing there crouched down and my entire body went numb with shock.