I shook my head, still unable to comprehend the days events.
Chapter 5, pt 2 - Explanation
In the window frame, Frank's face was staring back at me. He looked incredibly distraught, his perfectly arched eyebrows pulled together tightly and his bottom lip tucked into his mouth.
What seemed like a long lapse of silence followed. Frank cleared his throat, "Are you, uh, busy?"
I realized my mouth had been hanging open the entire time. I quickly shut it and shook my head from side to side slightly.
Frank rolled his eyes and exhaled sharply. "Can I come in?"
Silently, I stepped away from the window so Frank could climb inside. He maneuvered his way into the room with ease. Feeling strangely vulnerable I folded my arms across my bare chest. Frank slowly glanced around the room, taking in his surroundings.
"What are you doing here!" I finally exploded.
"I have no fucking clue." Frank replied, that look of tribulation returning to his features. "I was just driving around– I had to get the fuck outta my house today– and I swear I drove by here like ten times. And I don't. Know. Why."
I stared skeptically.
"And y'know." Frank continued. "I was thinkin' about how much I make fun of you and stuff and...so I wanted to say...sorry."
My eyes narrowed. "Seriously?" I let a laugh pass my lips, "Wow."
"Don't fucking laugh at me! Y'know how long I stood out there, working up the nerve to come say that to you? Jesus," Frank scoffed, turning away from me.
I slapped my hand over my mouth, suppressing another laugh. "Sorry," I said through my fingers.
Frank ran a hand through his dark hair and turned back to me. I was sure that my imagination had seen Frank scan me up and down. "Anyway. That's all I think." he said. "Don't tell anyone about this. About anything today, you got it?"
"Yeah Frank, I'm gonna run and tell all my friends that you have a soul," I quipped, entirely sarcastic. "Who the hell would I tell?"
Frank's severe expression faded. "I guess..." He took a step forward shortening the five foot gap between us. "Why don't you have any friends at school anyway."
I rolled my eyes and held my arms up at my sides. "Look at me. Not exactly the popular type is it?"
Frank shrugged, "You look fine to me," his eyes widened, surprised at what he'd said. "I mean...fuck. I didn't mean it like–"
"Shut up, I know what you meant." I sighed, wishing he had meant it the other way.
"I'm not queer," Frank stated, sounding almost as if he was trying to convince himself rather than me.
"Yeah, I know. You've made that pretty obvious." I shifted his weight uncomfortably.
"Uh...so, you wanna hang out or something? I mean...I understand if you don't..."
"Um...what would we do?" I asked, my voice cracking slightly. Up until that day, no one had ever asked me to hang out, then just like that, the boy I'm madly in love with asks me to do something. I was having great difficulty wrapping my head around it.
Frank shrugged. "I dunno...I could use a smoke right now..." he fished a pack out of his pocket. "You mind?"
I did mind; I didn't really want my room to smell like an ashtray, but I also didn't want to walk upstairs with Frank and face a thousand questions from my brother and possibly Katrina. There was a knock on my door. I cussed internally. "Okay Frank, you can smoke in here just be quiet." I whispered, walking to the door. I pulled it open just enough to get out then quickly shut it behind me.
Katrina was standing in front of me, eyeing me suspiciously. "Hey Mikes, Gerard just sent me to check on you. You gonna come watch the movie with us?"
"Uh, I actually..." I made a face and held my stomach, "I'm not feeling very good so uh...I think I'm gonna skip the movie and go right to bed."
Her blue eyes exuded sincere disappointment. "Awe okay buddy, well feel better then,"
"Yeah, I'll try," I replied as she walked away. I watched and listened carefully to make sure she was all the way upstairs before I scrambled back into my room. I wrinkled my nose at the smell of cigarettes. Frank had carelessly tossed his jacket on the floor and had made himself comfortable on my bed. I shook my head, still unable to comprehend the days events.
Frank took a drag of his smoke. "So I was wondering," he started, exhaling. I sat down at the foot of the bed. "How do you know you're homo?"
I made a face. "I just...know. How do you know you're straight?"
Frank scowled. "Because that's what's normal."
"To you." I retorted.
Frank took another drag. He ashed into his hand and then rubbed it on his jeans, "Alright, sorry. But like...I guess I just can't imagine having sex with a dude." he laughed nervously.
"Much like I couldn't imagine doing that with a girl." I shrugged.
"Wait, you've never slept with a girl before?" Frank asked dumbfounded. My face twisted in slight disgust and I shook my head. "Dude! You're missin' out."
"No, Frank I don't think I am." I said, suddenly getting very uncomfortable with the direction of this conversation.
"I'm sorry. I just don't get it." An awkward silence followed. Frank got up from the bed to toss his cigarette outside. "So...hypothetically speaking, if you one day realized you had feelings for a girl...you'd be really confused right?"
I rubbed the back of my neck, "Well, yeah I guess I would."
Frank stayed at the window. "I think I should go."
I fell back onto the bed. "Whatever," I couldn't take much more of Frank's mood swings anyway. I heard my desk chair drag across the floor, a single grunt and couple more clunking noises. When I looked up Frank was gone but he'd left his jacket on the floor. I groaned, dragging myself to a standing position and grabbing the coat. I walked upstairs to the back entrance, stopping for a second to listen. I shuddered upon hearing Katrina moan. "Gross," I mumbled quietly opening the door and trudging outside barefoot.
I walked up the side of the house, Frank was walking back toward me, looking unnecessarily angry. I held out the coat. Frank ripped it from my hands and shoved me against the side of the house.
"What the fuck!" I screamed, shoving him back. He barely budged. "You can't leave here having me think you're a decent person, hey?"
Frank was breathing very heavily through his nose. "No...I just...fuck, whatever." he began to walk away.
I stood as defiantly as I could in front of Frank. "No, not whatever. Why'd you push me? I've never fucking done anything to you."
"Way, if you don't move I'll do a lot worse than push you." Frank threatened through clenched teeth.
"No! I want an explanat–"
"I don't fucking know, okay! Just like I don't know why I came here in the first place, and I don't know why I couldn't stop–" he stopped himself, "Ugh, nevermind. I have to go." Frank pushed past me. I followed, I wasn't allowing Frank to leave without a proper explanation. Frank whipped around on his heels. "Leave me the fuck alone."
"Frank, think about all the times I've asked you to leave me alone. Tell me why you shoved me."
Frank ground his teeth together, "You want to know why?"
"Uh, yeah. That's why I asked." Frank grabbed both my arms and pushed me against the wall again, pinning me there. My head cracked against the stucco, and I was sure I'd felt it begin bleeding. "Fuck," I muttered, tears stinging my eyes.
All the anger rushed from his face. "I wish I could tell you,"
"Why can't you?" I asked, the tears making a slow trail down my cheek. "I can keep a secret." I stared into Frank's dark green eyes.
"No one would ever find out?" He asked, letting go of his grip on the my arms. My only reassurance was the shake of my head.
"Mikey!" I heard Gerard call from the back door.
"Coming!" I called back, starting to walk away. However much I wanted to hear what Frank had to say, I didn't want Gerard to walk around the corner and see me with a boy. An interrogation was not what I needed right now.
"Are you coming back?" Frank said, his voice had fallen to a whisper.
I stopped, "I have to go in...sorry." I mumbled. I walked to the back door where I was met by my overly worried brother. "Sorry Gee, I just needed some fresh air."
"Oh, okay. Well come inside, if you're sick you shouldn't be out dressed like that." Gerard ushered me inside and shut the door.