It was December of 2005 that I went to my first My Chemical Romance concert. I remember everything perfectly it was a night I replayed in my head often and would never forget....
Looking in the mirror I sighed to myself as I brushed my hand over my hair. I looked like Peter Pan only I had bleached my hair which my doctors weren't too happy about. I was finally cancer free and being discharged from the hospital. After buying tickets online for my favorite band I bought a shoulder length black haired wig which I put on along with a black T-shirt and jeans. It felt good to wear normal clothes I'd worn a hospital gown for so long that I forgot how comfortable it could be. I grabbed my small black journal and slid it into my back pocket. Along with my ticket and walked out of the hospital past my friends waiting for me to get in the car so they could take me home and treat me like I still had cancer, it was gone now, it could come back but I'm not going to think about it. I'm not in denial and I'm not scared I just don't think it's a good idea to think about the bad news while I have the good news to focus on.
I walked to the bus stop and got on putting my money in the small box that sat next to the driver. The bus then took me to a train station. I bought my ticket and then boarded the train to Philadelphia. I knew that city like the back of my hand and was anxious to get to the venue. I was the first person in line, the concert started in five hours. I sat on the ground and I waited I listened to my iPod over and over again until finally the doors opened. I smiled at the guy who opened the door, my original instinct was to hug the man but I thought that was overkill so I figured a small smile would suffice. I walked past all of the soda stands and march stands my eyes were on the stage as I headed towards it. I was in the very front row and would not leave that spot until ever last note had been sung. The excitement I felt was crazy it was as if I had been starved and someone was about to offer me a feast.
All I could think about was what songs they would sing? What they would wear? What they would say? Would they see me? Would they even look at me? Even if my life depended on it I could not tell you a single thing about the first two bands, my mind was only thinking of the headliner. They couldn't have pranced around the stage in the nude and I wouldn't have noticed in the slightest. I was completely focused on what I had been waiting for.
Finally I saw My Chemical Romance take the stage as Gerard way walked up to the microphone he smirked and opened his mouth to say something when he looked down straight at me and his cocky attitude faded away, his smirk was gone, he just sort of stood there for a moment before Mikey walked up behind him and tapped him on the shoulder. I don’t know why he stared at me I was amazed and intrigued I wanted to know what was going through his head what was he doing? After snapping out of it Gerard addressed the crowd and they began to play. They were amazing and everything I needed that day. The music blared though the speakers and I felt it all, I sang every word. As Gerard sang the last song 'Helena' I cried because of how beautiful it was but also because it was the end of the concert. As he sang he stared straight at me and I sang along staring right back at him. I felt so alive I felt so perfect in those few minutes. I felt like I had nothing to hide and that there was something meant for me in this life that's why I was still alive. I pulled the wig off of my head and threw it behind me into the crowd not caring what happened to it. He smiled at me and I smiled back. When it was over he said goodnight to the crowd but he never lost eye contact with me until the stage went black.
Soon dim lights turned on to reveal a curtain over the entire stage and everyone shuffled out I got knocked over trying to leave and my journal fell out and flat open. I watched horrified that a few people kept walking and trampled my precious journal; I quickly picked it up and shoved it in my back pocket along with my ticket stub. When I went home that night I listened to all the worried messages from my friends on my phone and unpacked my hospital bag full of unused clothes and a few other things. The concert kept replaying in my head as I tried to sleep. I couldn't stop thinking of Gerard. I decided to write about it in my journal when I opened it up I was beyond pissed to find that some of the pages had been torn. I cherished this it was supposed to keep me going as I lived the rest of my life cancer free. It helped me release all my feelings while I was in the hospital. Not that all of them were bad feelings but when your not sure if your dying or not emotions can be overwhelming and you need to calm yourself somehow.
Every chance I got I went to a My Chemical Romance concert. Gerard always saw me. I went pretty much broke before they took that break to make their third CD. I felt like a drug addict every time I went and waited hours just to them, to see him. When their new cd came out I was ecstatic! My hair had grown quickly it was now all bleach blonde at the bottom and black at the top I never had the heart to get rid of what was left of the blonde. Once again I bought tickets to yet another concert and was so excited to hear the new music. I arrived early and stood for hours first in line before the doors finally opened. They were about to come on when above me a woman announcer came on and said that My Chemical Romance would not be playing tonight my heart dropped to my knees and I almost cried when I heard that apparently some other band was coming on instead. I started to turn to leave when I heard an enchanting piano. I turned back around intrigued, the black curtain dropped and there he was. I gasped as I saw Gerard search the first row eyes landing on me we smiled at each other and I couldn't believe my eyes. His hair looked much like mine had the day of my first My Chemical Romance concert. They were apparently playing as 'The Black Parade' I rolled my eyes at their theatrics but found myself balling my eyes out at the story behind it.
"This next song is for a brave, brave women that I cant stop thinking about, you've enchanted me completely, you know who you are"
The piano started, it was kind of sad, and then Gerard started to sing. As it went on it seemed so familiar. And then it hit me like a ton of bricks.
It was my journal.
It was my journal all the pages that I had left behind turned into a song.
If you could get me a drink
Of water 'cause my lips are chapped and faded
Call my aunt Marie
Help her gather all my things
And bury me in all my favorite colors,
My sisters and my brothers, still,
I will not kiss you,
'Cause the hardest part of this is leaving you.
Now turn away,
'Cause I'm awful just to see
'Cause all my hairs abandoned all my body,
Oh, my agony,
Know that I will never marry,
Baby, I'm just soggy from the chemo
But counting down the days to go
It just isn’t living
And I just hope you know
That if you say (if you say)
Goodbye today (goodbye today)
I'd ask you to be true (cause I'd ask you to be true)
'Cause the hardest part of this is leaving you
'Cause the hardest part of this is leaving you
Gerard must have found the journal pages and then wrote this. I was so shocked I stood their frozen tears rolling down my cheeks. I was so touched and so dizzy from the shock, I suddenly felt very sick. I turned and left struggling through the crowd. I went home and I sat on my couch and cried. I cried as I blasted My Chemical Romance and I sat there alone in the dark. Disbelieving of what had happened.
Months had gone by and I had gotten a job as a secretary at a law firm. My job wasn't great but it wasn't terrible either. The radio was playing and I heard that My Chemical Romance would be playing in Philadelphia once again. I sighed knowing that I would lose the fight with myself and bought tickets five minutes after I heard it. That day I left work anticipating the following Saturday.
Gerard seemed more than overjoyed that I was there. I beamed at him as he really got into playing his part as the patient. By now I had bought the new CD and knew every word. I jumped and yelled the lyrics and really enjoyed myself. When it was over I waited in line to buy a hoodie as it was getting cold out since it was October and all.
I was so exhausted and hungry I walked away from the small venue in search of good cheese steak or something. South street was pretty deserted and lots of things were closed but finally I found a place to eat. My phone rang at that moment it was my Aunt Marie I smiled and picked up the phone "Hey Aunt Marie!" I really did love that woman "Hey sweetie what's up? Is the concert over how was it?" Aunt Marie knew that I went to many My Chem concerts but nothing about Gerard or the song. I hadn't told anyone "it was amazing hold on a sec ok? One cheese steak and a coke zero please" I said to the smiling overweight man with a greasy white apron at the counter. He started working on my sandwich.
"Yea Aunt Marie it was so good as always I cant wait to go to the next one!" "you go to way to many of those concerts I bet they know your face by now!" "ha no I don’t think they know my face Aunt Marie they see millions of faces everyday and I'm nothing special" I said laughing "Well Anyway when are you coming to see me next?" I grabbed my sand witch and soda after paying the man and went to sit down in a booth "whenever you want me too? Or you could even come to my apartment and stay a few days" I sipped on my drink completely unaware of the people staring at me. "Ok I'll do that soon! Now tell me about this Gerald guy how cute is he?" my aunt giggled it made me laugh not only because of that but because she called him 'Gerald' "Aunt Marie his name is GERARD not Gerald and he is really....handsome" I blushed "I think he's hot!" I laughed even harder "I cannot believe my 50 year old aunt just called Gerard Way hot that's amazing! I love you Aunt Marie I'm gonna go now ok? I'm gonna eat cause I'm STARVING!" "Ok hunny call me later!" I hung up the phone and took a bite of my sandwich and then slipped on my new hoodie. It was so warm and comfortable and it smelled like the venue. I sipped my drink and then looked up to see ten pairs of eyeballs staring at me but two in particular were the most familiar. I quickly got up and ran out of the restaurant. I had no clue they were there I wasn’t ready to talk to them yet! I felt so stupid and embarrassed seeing Gerard's smirking face staring at my horrified expression. He tried to run after me yelling 'Stop!" and "wait!" but I just kept going.
The next concert I attended was on December second and it was the same day as the situation I am in now. Gerard still had me up against the wall "Gerard I love you" I said breathing heavily from not getting enough air. He carried me over to the couch where we now sat staring at each other. "I don’t even know your name..." he said sadly I giggled a little and kissed him he rested his hand on my cheek "Collete" he sighed and closed his eyes repeating my name over and over again "Yes that's perfect" he leaned in to me as we slowly moved back. He kissed my neck as he hovered overtop of me and ground his hips into mine I wrapped one of my legs around him as I pushed into him grinding our hips as tightly as possible. He moaned deeply and it drove me crazy I loved the sound of his moan it was even better than his singing. Suddenly someone burst into the room "Gerard! what are you doing it's time to go!" Frank Iero walked over to the couch as I stared up from where I was laying. There was a very pissed off Gerard on top of me who was still working my neck. "Hi Frank" I exclaimed holding out one of my free hands "I'm Collete" Frank beamed at me "Hi Collete! Nice to formally meet you I see you and Gerard have at long last proclaimed your love for each other" "MMM I do love her" Gerard said as he was now working on my earlobe. Truth is told I was trying really really hard not to go crazy at the moment. "Gerard I hate to break it to you buddy but we really do have to go" Gerard looked up at him as if he would cry "Nooooooooo" he whined "Yea you got ten minutes, bye Collete I'll probably be seeing you soon huh?" he kissed my hand and then turned to leave. I sighed thankfully that he left Gerard’s mouth covered mine and I suddenly got lightheaded and went back to grinding my hips with his. Gerard’s hand had made its way up to my breast and was rubbing playfully as his mouth was back to my ear. We went on like this a little while longer until Gerard had stopped "No no keep going" I said dazed he laughed "But love I do have to go and your coming with me" he said kissing down my chest. I wanted to go and my heart was aching too but I had so much to take care of before I could go on tour with him "Gerard I cant.." he frowned at me "oh but you can and you will" he lowered his lips to my ear and whispered "you'll come on tour with me we'll get to know each other better I'll spend ever minute I possibly can with you" That sounded like a pretty good deal to me but still I had my job, my aunt, my friends, and Gerard and I barely knew each other honestly. "Gee I cant I have too much to deal with here but you'll be back right? You'll come back to me?" I asked tearing up I didn't want to ever leave him now that he was mine he sighed defeated "No don’t cry I love you I'll come back to you I will" I sighed with relief "Collete, you are so fucking beautiful and amazing. Your mine now ok" I nodded and closed my eyes as he kissed me one last time before we got up to leave.
Gerard and I exchanged phone numbers and he promised to call me every night. As I arrived home I kicked off my shoes and climbed into bed, trying to sleep, and dreading waking up the next day without him.
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