You're never going to believe who today's guests are....
I decided to write this as a one-off thing just for a laugh. This has nothing to do with TDP, it's totally separate from that, okay?
Haury Jovich stared at his reflection in his dressing room mirror and took a deep breath to attempt to calm his shaky nervous. The reason for his anxiety was the fact that the identity of today's guests was shrouded in secrecy. He knew nada, zip, zilch about who was appearing on the number one show in America. It was a joke. He was Haury Jovich dammit!
All he had been told by his producers was some mystery person had called up the show desperate for help. He had refused to reveal his identity, saying only that he had some "deranged lunatics" stalking him and that Haury was his last hope. Naturally, his producers had been only too willing to help, telling him they could tell the guy on the other line was insane because they could barely make out what he was saying thanks to the nearly inhuman growl with which he spoke.
Today's topic was "Help! I have a stalker. Or two!" Though Haury was looking forward to it as he always did, he couldn't shake the feeling that today was going to be different. He could only hope he would come out of it alive and well.
"Hello and welcome to the show!" Haury cried to an always enthusiastic audience. "Today's episode is going to be explosive I promise you," He cried. "The topic is stalkers. Now not all of us have been cursed with the over zealous attentions of a stalker, but our next guest has not one but TWO people following him and driving him up the wall! The poor guy is at the end of his tether and desperately needs my help. Let's bring him out!"
Suddenly the studio fell into darkness, the audience gasped simultaneously and clutched at each other in fear. Haury gulped and looked around wildly but he could see nothing. There was pitch black all around him. He stumbled backwards blindly and fell haphazardly into what he hoped was his chair.
A whooshing sound came from directly above his head and he jumped a mile in the air when he felt something brush silkily past him. He was terrified out of his wits but forced himself to take deep, calming breaths. He reminded himself he had seen everything there was to see, every crazy person there was to encounter. But nothing could prepare him for what he was about to face when the lights came back on as suddenly as they had gone off.
There sitting beside him was a man, except he wasn't dressed like an ordinary man. He was dressed as a bat, complete with a long black cape and a cowl on his head. There was even a yellow utility belt around his waist.
Haury shrieked like a girl. Fortunately his high- pitched shriek was drowned out by the audiences ear-splitting screams. Haury jumped to his feet immediately and addressed the crowd, more to put some distance between bat guy then anything else.
"Relax, people. RELAX!" He shouted.
Slowly everyone began to calm down until all he could hear where some faint whimpers in the back. He was certain it was James, his head of security.
"Everyone take a deep breath with me," He urged as serenely as he could. Like obedient puppies they did as they were told and eventually calm descended over the studio. When Haury was satisfied he wasn't going to pass out himself he took his seat again. Bat guy hadn't moved an inch.
"Well, hello there," Haury smiled as warmly as he could. The truth was this bat person frightened the living daylights out of him, but there was no way in hell he was going to let anyone see that. He had a reputation to uphold.
The bat merely grunted in response. Haury felt a stab of annoyance. Didn't this guy have any manners? Didn't he know who he was speaking to? "Okay. Tell us you're name, please," Haury encouraged as pleasantly as he could.
"I'm Batman," Growled....Batman.
"Well, I guess that should have been obvious, right?" Haury winked at the audience and he received a smattering of nervous laughter. Batman glared at them and Haury gulped. Obviously this guy had no sense of humour. "It's nice to have you on our show Batman. Tell me, what can I do for you?" Haury asked him.
Batman sighed. "Where do I begin?" He grumbled angrily.
"I'm sorry, I didn't quite catch that. Can you repeat it please?" Haury asked politely. It was true, he could barely understand what Batman was saying. His ridiculous growl made his words almost incoherent.
Batman gave him a look of pure loathing and Haury very nearly had an embarrassing accident in his trousers. "Are you deaf?" He whispered menacingly.
"No sir. Just a little old," Haury said quickly, praying Batman wouldn't kick his ass. The more he talked to him the more he became convinced this guy needed serious therapy. It was clear he had serious anger issues and the whole dressing as a giant bat thing? Yeah, dude was crazy.
Batman ignored Haury's attempt at humour and instead began to speak. "It all began a few months ago. If you don't know already, I'll tell you now. I don't dress up like this just for the hell of it. I fight crime. I use this persona to frighten the criminals that have polluted my city. It's effective, it works. Anyway, my arch nemesis, the Joker, has been giving me serious cause for concern over the years. I've done everything in my power to stop him but it's all been in vain. Recently, his actions have begun to disturb me even more so then usual. I started to question his behavior when he, erm," He paused and looked at Haury awkwardly.
"Go on," Encouraged Haury.
Batman cleared his throat before continuing, "He tried to kiss me one night, okay? I was shocked and naturally I punched him in the face."
"You what?!" Yelped Haury.
"Punched him. In the face," Repeated Batman slowly, as if Haury truly was deaf.
"Oh-kay. Please continue," Said Haury with a raised eyebrow.
"After that incident little things have been happening like that. I'm sick of it. There are only so many times I can beat the clown to within an inch of his life. He just doesn't get it. He follows me around everywhere like an extra shadow."
"Is that ALL there is to this story?" Haury asked quizzically.
"No. There's more," Batman said in a hushed voice.
"Do tell," Prodded Haury subtly.
"There's this girl," He paused when the audience giggled softly. "Well, she doesn't actually think she's a girl."
"What does she think she is? A rabbit?" Joked Haury.
"Actually she dresses like a cat."
No-one spoke as they were all to busy trying to contain their laughter. They didn't laugh out loud though because they didn't want to offend Batman.
Haury took a moment to compose himself before speaking. "Okay. What has she done then?"
Batman suddenly looked VERY uncomfortable. "It's a matter of what WE'VE done actually."
Haury had a faint inkling of what he was going to say next but held his tongue.
"We've been...you know...seeing each other," He spoke in a rush as if he couldn't wait to get the words out.
"How long has this been going on?" Asked Haury.
"A few weeks."
"Do you love her?" Pried Haury.
Batman shrugged. "I honestly don't know what "love" is," He admitted. "But that's not all."
"Please don't tell me there's a third person involved," Haury said holding his hands up.
"No, it's not that. Last night she told me she's pregnant." The audience gasped.
"Wow! This is even more complicated then I first thought," Haury sighed. He wondered silently whether the child would be half-bat, half-cat but decided not to voice his thoughts aloud. "Does this Catwoman know you're true identity?" He wondered curiously.
"No," Replied Batman with vehemence.
"But how is that possible? Didn't you guys....?" Haury trailed off not wanting to say it out loud.
"We never removed our masks when we were....erm.....," Batman gave him a significant look.
"Having relations," Haury finished for him. That must have been uncomfortable, he thought to himself.Batman nodded and the audience gave him peculiar looks. "Don't you think that's a little strange?" Asked Haury.
"Everything about my life is strange." Batman replied mysteriously. "But the thing about her is she has also been following me around as well."
"You mean she's been stalking you too but despite all of that you started a relationship with her?" Asked Haury with wonder.
"Pretty much. Yeah," Answered Batman looking sheepish.
"Oh dear. Do they know about each other?" Inquired Haury.
"Yes. That's why crime has gone up 50% in my city. They're always trying to outdo each other. It's very tiring. But the Joker doesn't know about her pregnancy yet."
Haury raised his eyebrows. "Shall we call him out?" He asked the audience. They all nodded apprehensively. "Let's give a warm welcome to the Joker!" He yelled and stood up to receive his guest.
The Joker came bouncing down the ramp buoyantly. He was dressed in a dark purple suit complete with a bright orange flower crumpled in his front pocket. His hair was dyed rather badly in a sick green color and his make-up was running down his scarred face. But apart from that, he looked ecstatic to be on the show.
"HAURY! Oh my God! I love you!" He screamed as he practically assaulted the surprised host. He enveloped him in an embrace so tight, Haury began to look a little pale.
"Let go of him, clown," Ordered Batman from behind them.
The Joker released him immediately and took a set next to Batman who shuffled away from him. The clown didn't seem to notice. He peered around the studio with a look of wonder on his once handsome face. "I can't tell you how excited I am to be here." He told Haury, who was rubbing his now lifeless arms.
"Okay. I know you're happy to be on my show Joker, but do you have any real idea why you've been brought here?" He asked him.
"Is it because Batman has finally come to his senses and wants to declare his love for me on national television?" Asked the clown hopefully.
"Not exactly," Haury replied as Batman shook his head angrily. "We are here to discuss the stalking."
"I'm not stalking anybody," Protested the Joker.
"That's not what Batman tells me," Haury said and gave him a stern look. "Why are you following the poor guy around, and what's up with the crime going up in you're city, hmm?"
The Joker ducked his head in defeat. "It's the only way I get to see him." He whispered.
The audience oohed and aahed at this confession. "For Gods sake!" Spat Batman "Don't encourage him!"
Suddenly the Joker burst into tears. "You see?" He sobbed. "You see what I have to put up with?" The audience glared at Batman, no longer afraid of him. For now.
Haury handed him a Kleenex. "You can't force someone to love you," He said gently.
The Joker blew his nose loudly and handed it back to Haury. "He loves me. He just doesn't know it yet." He had such conviction in his voice everyone almost believed him.
"I have to put up with this garbage on a daily basis and I'm sick of it!" Thundered Batman with a murderous glint in his almost black eyes.
"Relax honey, we're on T.V," Soothed the Joker, he tried to pat Batman's muscular arm but was violently pushed away.
"I hate to break it to you, but I'm certain that Batman doesn't love you." Haury used his kindest, most gentlest voice to ease the pain but he wasn't expecting what happened next.
The Joker sprang out of his seat and addressed the crowd, "Why doesn't he love me?" He wailed. "What's wrong with me? Am I so terrible?" He cried dramatically.
"You're a psycho, dude," Muttered a man wearing a black MCR T-shirt in the front row.
Unfortunately for him the Joker heard every word. "YOU ARE SO DEAD!" He roared and pulled out a long knife from his back pocket. He lunged at the terrified crowd but was pulled back by security but they were no match for his incredible strength. Batman sighed and rose from his seat. He swatted security aside and grabbed the clown with one arm and dragged him back to his chair.
"Joker!" Shouted Haury in dismay. "Pulling a knife out on my audience? I'm so disappointed in you." He spoke as if he had just caught the clown stealing a cookie instead of attempting to murder his fans.
"I'm sorry Haury," said the Joker, sounding anything but sorry. "I'm just a clown in love."
Batman rolled his eyes. "Can we get a move on please? I've got to get back to my city. I heard there's going to be a bank robbery attempt."
"Okay, okay. Joker, before I call out my next guest I want you to make me a promise. Can you keep a promise for old Haury"
"Of course. I love you more then I love Oprah," The Joker said affectionately.
"I want you to stay in you're seat no matter what happens, okay? Promise me you'll do that?" Haury said.
"Okay," Replied the Joker looking sincere, but beside him Batman shook his head as if he didn't believe a word he was saying.
"Good. Let's bring out our next guest. Come on out, Catwoman!" Haury yelled, getting up once more to greet her.
Everyone turned to stare with wide eyes as a tall, slender woman dressed in an extremely tight fitting, black leather suit came slinking out from backstage. The men in the audience sucked in their breath as she sashayed seductively down the stairs and kissed a startled looking Haury delicately on his cheek. She planted a soft kiss on Batman's lips before taking her seat, earning her a filthy look from the Joker.
"He...hello there Catwoman," Stuttered a red-faced Haury.
"Hi," She purred.
The Joker rolled his eyes. "Get over yourself, sister," He growled.
"Now, now, Joker. That's no way to talk to a lady." Chided Haury.
"Believe me, she is not a lady," Said Joker.
Batman looked at his watch impatiently and Haury moved swiftly on. "Tell us you're story Catwoman."
"It's simple. I love Batman. He loves me. That's all there is to it," She said, examining her nails which were painted a blood red.
"He does not! He loves me!" Said Joker angrily.
"Batman. Maybe you should clear up their misconceptions?" Suggested Haury.
"Isn't that you're job?" Asked The Dark Knight in a bored tone.
"Fine," Snapped Haury. "The man who you both seem to love so much does not, I repeat, DOES NOT, love either of you. What I see before me is a group of seriously disturbed people who might need a lifetimes worth of therapy. You guys shouldn't even be on the streets. You are a menace to society." Finished Haury breathlessly.
They all turned to stare at him. Haury gulped. "That's just my professional opinion," He added hastily. "But what do I know?"
After what seemed like an age, Batman spoke. "He's right, you know. I don't love either of you. You're both equally annoying."
Catwoman was on her feet in an instant. "What?! What about all those nights we spent together? Didn't they mean anything to you?" She demanded.
"Look, it's been a long time since I've been with a woman. You were available, more then willing, so I thought, why not?" Batman sighed and glanced at her. "It was never serious."
"You...you...bastard!" She screamed and burst into tears and the Joker burst out laughing.
"He used you!" He chuckled with delight.
Haury became very upset. "Batman. How could you do that to the poor girl? How could you take advantage of someone who was so in love with you?"
Batman shrugged carelessly. "They don't call me The Dark Knight for no reason. My heart is as black as my cape."
"So is mine!" Sang the Joker with glee.
"Well, I have lost all respect for you, not that I had any to begin with, but still," Haury got up and walked over to comfort the still sobbing Catwoman.
She turned to look at Batman with huge, brown eyes. "What about the baby?" She whispered.
"WHOA! BABY? WHAT BABY?" Shouted the clown. He poked Batman furiously, "You knocked her up? How dare you?"
"How do I know it's mine?" Questioned Batman, ignoring the clown completely. The audience booed him angrily.
"Yeah. She's a hussy, I know it. Look at what she's wearing!" Yelled the Joker.
"You know it's you're baby. You were the only person I slept with and you know it! Don't think I didn't know you used to follow me around," She sniffed.
"Huh? you followed her as well?" Asked Haury in disbelief. "You're all insane!" He said throwing his hands in the air in exasperation. The audience seemed to agree with him.
"It's all Batman's fault," Said the Joker, jumping to his feet. "If he wasn't so damned sexy then none of us would be in this predicament."
"Are you serious? It's just a MAN dressed as a giant BAT!" Shouted Haury in disbelief.
"It's the man inside the Bat suit that I love," Simpered the Joker.
"You don't even know the man inside the suit! You're a deranged clown that needs to be locked up! Pronto!" Yelled Haury as he began to lose his usually cool temper.
"Haury!" Said the Joker, looking affronted. "If you don't mind you're tongue then I will have to cut it out."
"No you won't, jackass!" Hissed Catwoman from beside Haury.
"Ooh, what's the big bad cat gonna do?" Taunted the Joker with a malicious smirk on his face.
"I'll kick you're pathetic little ass all over this studio you little shit!" She screamed springing forward. Haury struggled to hold her back.
"I'm scared. Help me!" Giggled the clown, jumping on his chair Tom Cruise style.
"Everybody settle down!" Ordered Haury but it was no use. They refused to listen.
Suddenly Batman was on his feet. "SHUT THE FUCK UP EVERYONE!" He bellowed. The whole studio became silent. It was so quiet you could have heard a pin drop.
"I've had it up to here with both of you!" He turned to Catwoman. "When the baby pops out, I want a DNA test. If it's mine then I'll take care of it," When she opened her mouth to protest he held up his hand to silence her. "There is no relationship between us. I used you. Get over it. If it'll make you feel better you can try to kill me as much as you want, okay?" He turned to face the Joker who looked slightly nervous. "Clown, I don't love you, never have. You're annoying and if I hadn't promised myself I would never take a human life, you would have been dead and buried a hell of a long time ago. Find someone who will return you're freaky, obsessive love. I heard Two-Face thinks you're hot." Finally he turned to Haury who flinched at the look on is face. "And you. Thanks for trying to help me but I should have known it would come to nothing. Anyway, I've gotta fly. If you'll excuse me, I have a city to save." With that the lights went out once more in the studio and Haury felt a light breeze go past his face. When the lights came back on Batman was gone.
Haury looked around at his remaining guests who stood stony-faced and apart from each other. He wondered what he should say to them. He sincerely hoped they wouldn't start a riot because with Batman gone, his security didn't stand a chance in stopping them. He cleared his throat loudly.
"So. I guess that settles that then," He said nervously.
The Joker turned to glare at him. "That settles it?" He repeated slowly. "How DARE that freak treat me like that? After all those years of unconditional love he just dumps me? And on LIVE FREAKIN TELEVISION?!" He shouted in outrage.
"I know," Cried Catwoman. "But at least you're not pregnant."
"I just feel like....like....," The Jokers voice trailed off.
"Like destroying him?" Asked Catwoman with a small smirk.
"Yes. Destroying him. That sounds good," He whispered darkly.
"Guys, come on. Ten minutes ago you were both fighting over him, now you want to ruin him?"
Asked Haury in a shocked voice.
The Joker shrugged carelessly. "What can I say? It's in my nature. I am after all, crazy."
Haury looked at Catwoman hoping she would see sense. She fixed her huge green eyes on him. "I'm pregnant, okay? My hormones are all over the place, and that's all thanks to him."
"Fine," Sighed Haury in defeat. "Go and do what you please. But don't come running to me when the shit hits the fan."
"Okay, Haury. But I advise everyone to stay out of Gotham City for a while." Instructed the Joker with a terrifying look on his face. "If you value you're life."
An exhausted Haury resumed his seat. "You guys are all banned from my show from now on, okay? I never want to see any of you again."
The Joker nodded and took Catwoman lovingly by the arm. They walked off the stage with their heads pressed close together, no doubt discussing a devious plot to ruin Batman.
After he was certain they were gone he faced his audience to address them for the final time. "Superheroes? They're just a bunch of fucking lunatics in fancy dress."
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