You’ve been back in South Dakota for about a month, you start school today. None of your friends know you’re back yet. You’ve just been hiding out in your room. The first 3 weeks were terrible, crying yourself to sleep, stomach aches, throwing up, head aches, hardly any sleep, depression and many other things. The past week you’ve trying to pull yourself together, just for school and your friends. You’ve also been keeping it a secret form your parents that you are pregnant, which would explain the throwing up in the mornings. Your terrified to tell your parents that your pregnant, terrified on how to handle it when they find out, terrified to have the baby, to take care of the baby, your just a kid yourself. Also the baby will probably grow up not knowing its father. Even know Marshall said he would come find you, but he probably wont just because that’s how things work in life. You still miss Marshall so much, and your somewhat glad your having a baby with him, and your going to keep it because its apart of Marshall. Your in the bathroom making yourself look ‘pretty’ even know you don’t really give a shit. Your Mom walks in with that stupid grin on her face, you stare at her annoyed.
“You ok?” she asks. You nod your head a slightly smile. “Still miss Marshall don’t you?” she asks. Hearing his name makes you wanna cry. You sigh and just stare at her. “Look, honey, its for the best,” she says.
“I know what you’re trying to do Mom but I don’t think me being this miserable is very healthy for me,” you explain hoping she would show some sympathy for how you’re feeling.
“You’ll get over it, there’s plenty of guys out there,” she say as if that’s supposed to make you feel better, even know its not going too, knowing that your having a baby with him. Just looking at that baby is going to make you feel pain everyday seeing Marshall inside of him or her.
“Whatever Mom, Im ready to go, so can we just drop the whole Marshall subject and go?” you ask her leaving the bathroom grabbing your bag off the hallway floor.
“Yeah,” she says sort of sad but more like shes annoyed with you.
The whole car ride to school you don’t say a word to your Mother, she don’t talk either, you think that she got the idea that you were annoyed with her. You walk in the room and the first person you see is you’re best friend, Annie, who you haven’t talked to for about one year. Shes standing with her back towards you. You walk up to her and tap her on the shoulder, she jumps and turns around.
“Lily!!” she yells hugging you immediately, you hug her back.
“Hey! How have you been,” you ask putting on a happy act, you’re happy to see her but the thing about Marshall is still making you wanna cry….
“What are you doing back here? I thought you were staying in Detroit forever.” she asks.
“Naw, things got…uhh bad with Nick so we had to move back here,” you say.
“What he do?” she asks.
“Stupid shit,” you say summing up the best you can so you don’t have to explain what he did to that poor hobo. Your bother went completely insane once you got back to South Dakota so they put you him in a psycho ward. Hes been there ever sense you moved and you haven’t even talked to him.
“Oh, I see,” she says. “Nice dog tag, some guy give that to you or something?” she asks pointing to the dog tag around your neck. You nod, she lifts it up and stares at it. “Marshall Bruce Mathers III,” she reads, she drops it down. “So was that your boyfriend or something?” she asks.
“Yeah, was…we broke up when we moved,” you say sadly.
“Aww, did you really like him?” she asks, you nod. “Was he cute?” she asks. You smile and nod, you pull out a picture of you and him, hes hugging you from behind your hands resting on his, your fingers are laced, and your heads are pressed together its taken outside there’s still snow on the ground and your standing under a tree by your house, your mother took that picture. “Aww he is cute,” she says staring at the picture. “You two look cute together,” she says. “You miss him?” she asks handing the picture back to you.
“Yes,” you say looking at the picture, you flip it over, on the back it says Marshall Mathers and Lily Jones spring of 1987. You put the photo back into your folder and sit down next to Annie.
The past month you’ve been thinking about Lily and you have also tried writing some raps about her, but its just to damn depressing for you, you cant write anything. Ronnie thinks your crazy and so does everyone else. It’s the first year of ninth grade. You miss Lily so much your trying to get over her but its been hard, all you have is pictures, you keep them in a shoe box under your bed. And you tell yourself everyday that someday you are going to find Lily no matter what it takes, you’re going to find her…
Its lunch time, school has gone ok, and all your friends keeping asking you why you’re back. You kept telling them that you would let them know during lunch time so you wont have to repeat yourself 6 times. Your walking to the lunch table with one of your friends Chelsea. Everyone else is already at the table, you sit down next to Mary and Chelsea. “So are you gonna tell us why you moved back here?” Chelsea pipes up after about 5 minutes of silence.
“Damn, it so sounds like you guys are disappointed that I came back,” you say.
“No, we just wanna know what Nick did that was so bad,” Chev says. You sigh…
“Well he got into drugs, and shit then he killed a hobo,” you say. They all stare at you like your kidding. “Im serious!” you sort of yell.
“He killed someone! Sweet!” Chev cheers, he likes violence. A teacher walking by stops and stares at you guys. “A movie,” Chev says quickly.
“Ahh,” he says nodding, she walks away. You sigh.
“Nice one,” you say and toss a piece of carrot at Chev, it hits him on the forehead and falls to his lap. He glares at you, and you giggle. He shakes his head.
“Stop flirting at the table,” Kathy says.
“What the fuck!?” you yell at her. “We’re not flirting for cryin out loud!” you yell.
“Seems like it,” Kathy says laughing.
“I don’t like Lily like that thank you,” Chev says then takes a drink of milk.
“So…. Do you like boys?” Chelsea says laughing.
“Sick no!” Chev yells and throws the carrot at Chelsea. You laugh.
“You guys should stop before we get yelled at,” Annie says annoyed.
“Aww is someone upset?” Chev says staring at her.
“No,” she says with a smile then throws a Skittle at Chev. You shake your head.
“Ok, I really think we should stop,” you say. They all stop laughing and stare at you. “Thank you,” you say.
“Hey, Annie told me you had a boyfriend back in Detroit, and she said you showed her a picture can I see it!?” Jessie says being all jumpy and in your face about it. You stare at her for a few seconds, once she realizes your being serious she stops smiling and looks at you seriously. “Well?” she says after a while. You reach into your bag and pull out a green folder, you pull out the picture you showed to Annie this morning and hand it to Jessie, she grabs it quickly.
“Don’t bend it!” you scream at her.
“Ohh calm down, I wont,” Jessie says staring at the picture of you and Marshall. “Whats his name?” Jessie asks, as he hands the picture to Kathy.
“Marshall,” you say trying not to get sad.
“Hes hot!” Kathy says. You glare at her. “Not that I would wanna date him or anything,” she adds. The picture goes around the whole table, Chev looks kind of angry when hes looking at it, he hands it back to you after about a second.
After school you walk home with Annie, she lives a few houses from you….
“I think Chev likes you,” she says randomly. You stop walking and stare at her.
“Uhh?” you ask.
“Well did you see how he acted around you, and how he looked mad about the picture of Marshall,” she says. “I think hes jealous,” she says.
“So?” you say.
“Do you like him?” she asks.
“I.. no, I just got out of a relationship that Im not over yet,” you say. “ I really liked Marshall,” you say. You place your hand on your stomach randomly.
“Do you have something you have to tell me?” she asks.
“No?” you say more as a question rather than a straight answer.
“You do don’t you, you have a secret,” she says with a smile. “Tell me I wont tell anybody I promise, if I do you can hate me forever and you don’t ever have to talk to me again,” she says, you know her saying this she wont tell anybody, she never has told anybody anything before that you have told her not too… but you’re still afraid to tell her… “Well…?” she asks. You stop on the side walk by a old abandoned house and stare at her….wondering if you should tell her that your going to have Marshalls baby or not tell her…