“Hello,” she said plainly. “How are you?” she asked.
“I don’t know, the whole house is sort of blah,” I said sadly thinking about Proof, I didn’t really know him but it is still very sad to me.
“Yeah, tell Marshall sorry for me,” she told me. “How’s he doing?” she asks.
“Hes taking it very hard, hes sleeping right now. I getting worried about him,” I said sadly.
“Im sorry,” she mumbled.
“Yeah, hes very depressed, he’s been crying a lot, and he thinks it’s his fault,” I mumbled holding back tears.
“Give him a hug for me,” she said.
“Ok, I gotta go though,” I said.
“Bye,” she said.
“Bye,” I mumbled then hung up the phone.
“What’s for lunch?” Hailie questioned walking into the kitchen.
“Chicken,” I said softly.
“Is daddy ok?” she mumbled while looking down at the floor and shuffling her feet.
“Not really,” I sighed. “Hes sleeping,” I told her. She nodded.
“Im worried about him,” she said sadly.
“He’ll be ok,” I assured, she gave me a hug.
“Make sure he don’t hurt himself,” she pretty much demanded.
“I won’t let him hurt himself,” I mumbled, almost lying, I was afraid that if he did she’d be mad at me. Keith came in the kitchen not long after.
“Daddy is crying,” he said softly.
“He’s just getting his emotions out,” I assured picking him up he wrapped his arms around my neck.
“I don’t want him to be sad,” Keith whined. I let out a sigh.
“We’re all sad right now honey, you gotta give it some time,” I told him as I set him down at the kitchen table. Hailie sat across from Keith with her head in her arms resting on the table; Alaina came in and did the same thing. I let out a sigh.
The kids hardly ate anything before they all left the kitchen and went to their own rooms. I just whipped off their plates and went back upstairs to check on Marshall. He was laying on his back on the bed. “Theres chicken if you want some,” I whispered standing in the doorway. He sighed.
“I don’t feel like eating anything,” he mumbled holding back tears.
“Care if I come over there?” I asked softly.
“I don’t care,” he barely spoke. I slowly walked over to him, I lied on my stomach next to him, he kept his eyes on the ceiling. I sat up a bit and stared at him, glancing over at the nightstand. There was a bottle of pills sitting there. I shook my head without him noticing.
Night came around quickly, before I knew it was 10pm. Marshall hadn’t eaten anything yet…he insisted that he wasn’t hungry and he wasn’t going to eat. I was laying in bed watching the news… he was facing away from me staring at the wall. “Oh, Megan wanted me to tell you sorry about Proof,” I mentioned softly. He just mumbled something I couldn’t understand. “She told me to give you a hug for her,” I said softly, he didn’t even move or make a sound. I let out a soft sigh. He faced me, I was a bit surprised. He actually pulled me into a hug, burring his face into my shoulder.
(((JUNE 11th 2007 SUNDAY))) UPDATES::: Me: 26 Marshall: 35 Hailie: 11 Alaina: 14 Whitney: 6 Keith: 7 Urte: 1
It’s been one year and two months sense Proof’s passing. Its still hard on Marshall, hes still moping around the house, he seems to be gaining weight also, hes eating a lot, I’ve never seen him eat so much. Hailie, Alaina and Whitney have been spending most of their time over at Kim’s place. Keith has been helping me take care of Urte sense Marshall hardly does anything besides lay in bed, or eat… I know hes hiding something, I know its some kind of drug, I can tell when I look into his eyes, which is hard cause he hardly even looks at me anymore. Half the time he isn’t even here, hes out at the studio ‘producing records’ whatever that supposed to mean. I know he’s going though a hard time, but I wish he’d talk to me. I was sitting on the couch watching music videos when Marshall walked in the house with some fries from McDonalds he plopped down on the couch next to me. I was surprised.
“Hi,” he mumbled.
“Hey…” I said sort of confused.
“Want some fries?” he asks holding the container out at me. I shook my head no.
He let out a sigh.
“Are you ok?” I asked him.
“Im fine!” he almost yelled. “Why is everyone always asking me if Im ok?!” he screamed.
“You don’t have to yell at me! Im just worried about you!” I yelled back with the same tone in my voice as he had.
“Don’t worry about me, Im fuckin fine, I don’t need to be treated like a child, I can take care of myself,” he yelled standing up.
“How is askin you if you are ok treating you like a child?” I yelled back as he stood and stared down at me.
“It just is!” he yelled.
“Why can’t you accept sympathy from others?” I asked.
“Cause Im not a fuckin child who needs comfort anymore,” he mumbled but yelling.
“No, you find comfort in food,” I said staring down at the ground.
“Whatever!” he yelled and went straight to his office slamming the door. I sighed. Keith came running out of the bedroom.
“Did you have another fight with dad?” he asked.
“Yeah, hes being a jerk,” I said sadly.
“Are we gonna leave?” he asked sadly.
“Honey,” I said getting down at his level. “What makes you think we’re gonna leave?” I asked him confused.
“You and daddy fight a lot and he won’t talk to you,” he mumbled.
“Honey, we’re not leaving, that’s the last thing that he needs,” I told him.
“Are you sure?’ he asked softly.
“Im sure, we’re not gonna leave him,” I assured.
“We better not leave, I don’t wanna,” he said almost crying.
“Don’t worry,” I said hugging him.
I finally got to bed after putting Urte to bed. Marshall was already passed out. I let out a loud sigh as I got into bed. He had his back towards me, I stared at him, wishing he would turn around and look at me, we haven’t held each other in months. I stared as his back wanting to touch him so bad, I felt like crying. After about four minutes of staring at him I faced the other way, a tear rolled down my cheek, I ended up crying myself to sleep.
I woke up to a bathroom door shutting. I was facing the door; I stared at the bottom of the door where the light was shining through. Marshall came out soon after, I shut my eyes quickly pretending to sleep, and the light was bright. “Sorry,” he mumbled, I knew he saw me staring.
“Its fine,” I whispered not even looking at him.
“No, not for the light. For earlier today,” he said, I thought about our fight. He got into bed, I turned and faced him, and he was facing me, that sorry look in his eyes made me want to tell him it’s ok, then just pull him into my arms and never let him go. I sighed. “I didn’t mean to hurt you,” he said. I remained silent. I could tell that he knew that wasn’t enough. “The past year has just been very fuckin though,” he mumbled as if he was going to cry thinking about Proof.
“I know,” I said softly touching him gently on his hand.
“I don’t mean to yell at you, I don’t like that person inside me. But it’s just something we have to deal with,” he noted softly.
“I know, I just miss us…ya know?” I questioned softly.
“I know,” he said softly. “You forgive me?” he whispered his face was very close to mine. I nodded, he kissed me, I kissed back…it was the first real kiss in a long time, I didn’t want to stop, I wanted to make this moment last for as long as possible, we continued to kiss…it lasted a while… he pulled away, and pulled me into his arms. The first time we cuddle in months, it felt nice. “I love you,” he whispered in my ear.
“I love you too,” I whispered, he squeezed me tight letting go slightly as we fell asleep.