This isn't the way home.
Ha, I just got two languages mixed together. Irish and English, I spelt "March" "marth" cuz March in Irish is Márta. Anyway.
I'm listening to Fall Out Boy right now and I have no idea why. Well I do, but it's werid. Cuz I hate FOB, sorta. You see I was a massive fan when I was like 10 and that's when all shit happened. Which has really affected me and it will continue to do so until I do something about it. Which I will, (hopefully) soon.
It's been ages since I've wrote anything in this, cuz I just haven't been able to.
Sure I'm been uber depressed and shit, it's days (weeks, months) like this I understand suicide, but still, I wouldn't be so selfish. Really, the only reason I'm alive right now and have been for 3 years is my friends, whatever will be in my future, well whatever I make it. I wanna change the world. Yeah, it sounds gay. Everyones like "You're only one person and just one person, you'll never be able to change the world" blah blah blah. That's not gunna get you shit. As long as I can change someone, or save someone, for the better, or their bettre then fine. Good. I wanna leave my mark. Why would I live this long (well short) to fuck it down the drain on suicide? It's such a waste.
It was fun though, on Friday I went lazer-tagging with my friends. I was drinking vodka and coke before though on an empty stomach and then running about, I was near sick, then drank some more when I came back. It was only a tin, so not much. Then on Saturday morning I had Headliners, it was good. My friend gave me some shitty beer, I downed it in a matter of seconds. That's how to start a Saturday morning. Well 11 AM is the morning? I had a coffee in the other hand so all was good.
I can't remember the last time I cut either, which is amazing.
I saw Alice in Wonderland with my best friend and it was an awesome day, that Saturday I was just talking about actually. It was such a good time, just me and her. I love that girl more than my life. I'm getting her to teach me guitar too. Heh. I miss playing piano too and I wanna learn drums so bad.
It's national non smoking day tomorrow, we'll all have fun with that.
I also found out something else so heart-breaking, but I won't talk about it.
This Saturday should also be real good. I really hope it is. I had a talk today with one of my friends about how we're fucking up our lives and not giving a shit. And how we will continue to get worse. It's nice, it's what I like to do, fuck up my life. I love it. I love slowly killing myself, cuz it wil stop one day. It's very hard to understand, and if you think you understand it then you defo don't. Trust me. And I don't mean that "cuz one day it will stop" in a -ZOMGG I'MA KILL MYSELFZ- No.
Yes I rambled about wanting to make a difference and the whatnot, I will, while I'm fucking up my life....more. I can fuck up myself and help others, help the world and shit. I also hope by the time I'm dead, poverty will decrease alot, which is such a huge dream. I hope so much one day poverty will be cured. I really do. For my next birthday I'm just gunna get all my money and shit donated to charity. Unless I need it, incase I'm living on the damn streets. Haha.
I'm still listening to FOB, I think I'm just trying to fill this fucking hole that won't leave. I'm falling again and I know it.
It fucking sucks.