How far would you go for love?
I do. He happens to be my best friend, my significant other, my second half- my boyfriend.
I’ve never known him to be completely happy, but yet I still try everything in my power to glimpse one of his rare smiles. There is something truly beautiful about him when a grin stretches through his face. The bags under his eyes from sleepless nights vanish, his waxy skin softens and glows, his dull eyes sparkle with mischief and adoration. It is for these rare moments that I stick to him like glue. I could never let him go. I need him. And when he smiles, I can forget for a moment that he doesn’t need me at all.
Gerard is a very independent person, everything is done his way. If he doesn’t want to take his medication? He won’t. If he feels like meddling in drugs and alcohol? He will, and with relish. If he decides he’s had enough of me? I leave him alone.
Each time he pushes me away, I can feel a bit of my soul break off and float away, but I force a smile, hoping that by doing what he wants, he’ll be happy.
At night I make up scenarios in my head, each one involving Gerard and I in total bliss. Maybe in a parallel universe my dreams could come true. Maybe Gerard COULD be capable of showing emotion. Maybe he could forget his suicide plans. Maybe he wouldn’t leave me alone. Maybe he would love me.
It’s taxing on my physical and mental strength, trying to support Gerard in every way I possible can. Every time he calls me explaining a new and foolproof suicide plan, it’s difficult not to completely break down and beg him to change. It’s difficult to continue in light tones, advising him with the pros and cons of his plan.
Every time he calls me completely smashed off his face on a new drug concoction, it’s difficult to refrain from calling the ambulance and rushing to his aid. It’s difficult to humour him and pretend that every thing is okay, when in reality, he won’t remember a word I said the next morning.
Every time he picks out all my flaws and teases me relentlessly about them, it’s difficult not to scream and shout obscenities at him. It’s difficult to pretend that I don’t care, and laugh along with him.
But each time he hurts himself, or me, it breaks me. Bit by bit, I see my sanity slipping away and a new darkness threatening to claim my mind.
But maybe this isn’t a bad thing? Maybe if my sanity goes, then I’ll be able to be with Gerard fully, in the same mindset.
Whatever the case, it’s only a matter of time before he breaks me completely.
Until then, I’ll continue to smile and hope that he might stop focusing on suicide and self-destruction, and start focusing on love.
Of course, my parents and friends disapprove greatly of Gerard. Throughout the two years that we’ve been together, I’ve had to turn a deaf ear to all the insults that have rained out of my parents mouths.
His hair is too long.
You’re too good for him.
Look at the state of his clothes.
He’ll end up dead in a gutter somewhere.
He will drag you down.
A part of me knows that they are telling the truth about Gerard. But I need him. I need to help him. How could I live without him? Everything in my life revolves around him. I spend most of my days by his side, most of the nights on the phone listening to his ramblings. Most weekend I’ll be staying over, just watching him go about his business. There is something calming about watching him work. Whether it’s drawing, painting, or even writing lyrics or poetry, he’s brow furrows slightly, his hair falls over his eyes, and I can tell that he is not thinking about self-destruction. His mind is solely on his work. I wish he would look at me like that. All I see in his eyes when he looks at me is judgmental thoughts swimming through his consciousness. Sometimes I can almost see the wheels turning in his head, no doubt thinking about how he can test my limits next.
The final test came far too soon.
The familiar ring tone sang out from across the room, signalling Gerard’s nightly call. I wonder what it will be tonight. Drunk? High? Angry? It’s like a lottery draw with Gerard’s mood swings.
“Hey Frank, so listen, I’m going to do it tonight.”
A moment of silence stretched between us. My mind was doing somersaults and back flips trying to make sense of what he had said, and dreading the worst.
“What do you mean?” I asked him tentatively. Knowing in the pit of my stomach exactly what he was going to say.
“My time ends tonight, Frank.” He almost sang the words.
Why was he even bothering to tell me this? Was this one last stab of shit-stirring before he finally kicked the can and sent my life into a spiral? He MUST know how much he means to me. He MUST know the effect it will have on me if he leaves. And here he is, rubbing it in my face as if this topic wasn’t particularly interesting to him.
“Are you serious, Gee?” I asked, hoping he was too high to notice what he was saying.
“Yes I am. Do I ever kid around with this kind of stuff?” He sounded almost disappointed at me for not believing him.
“…How are you going to do it?” I finally asked in a small voice, trying to hide the tremors threatening to spill from my insides.
“Well, I’ve got this foolproof plan…” Gerard started, sounding like an excited schoolboy with a new puppy.
“You know the cliff near my house? I’m going to leap off of it. There are plenty of rocks underneath; it should insure a complete death.” I heard him smiling through his words in glee.
I felt like throwing up. I felt like crying. I felt like laughing in manic shock, I felt like killing him myself. How could he possibly do this to me? Visions of his final leap swarmed my mind. Gerard jumping. Gerard falling. Gerard crashing onto the pointed rocks below. Gerard’s broken and bleeding body.
It felt like a large rock had wedged itself in my throat. I could feel hot tear welling up in my eyes. This is the end. I’m really going to lose him.
I couldn’t let him know that my world was crashing around my ears. He will think that I’m weak.
But what does it matter now? He’ll be gone soon.
Broken and bleeding.
I let out an involuntary wail. My face was scrunched up and wetness ran in a continuous stream down my cheeks.
For a moment I forgot that Gerard was on the phone held to my ear, all I could think about was my own sorrow. My Gerard. Dead. Or rather, soon will be. I wish I was stronger, I was I could stop him. I wish I wasn’t such a fucking pussy! Another strangled wail left my throat before I could rein in my emotions. My hands were shaking and my knuckles were white from gripping the phone so tightly.
“Frank, shut it.” Gerard’s sharp voice cut through my self-hate, leaving me whimpering at the thought of never hearing that voice again.
“I said, SHUT IT, Frank.” He yelled as my whimpering continued. “Didn’t I tell you? You’re invited.”
I stopped snivelling immediately. Was he being serious? He wanted me to come too? Did he want me to watch?
“What do you mean?” I sniffed pathetically. I really wish I wasn’t such a girl.
“I mean, you’re invited, douche-bag. Come with me. Over the edge.”
My mouth dropped open in shock. He wanted me to take the leap with him? Was he literally insane? My parent’s voices flooded my mind ‘He will drag you down…’
They were right. But was that such a bad thing?
“You mean we’d be together forever?” I asked, hopeful once more.
“Yeah you can think that if you want.” Gerard replied, sounding bored with the conversation.
I was speechless. My mind had turned to a blank canvas. I guess this is what real shock is like?
“Anyway, I’m going to the cliff at about 9:00 tonight. See you there?” I heard the click of the phone, signalling that Gerard had hung up.
I took the phone from my ear, my hands strangely steady. I wiped a hand over my eyes and face, clearing any evidence of the tears of weakness.
Was I really considering this?
Realisation dawned over my mind.
I was going to do it. I was going to go over the edge with him.
Everything finally seemed clear to me. It was a simple answer. I can’t change Gerard. He was going to jump regardless if I went with him or not. I KNOW I can’t live without him. So the alternative is simple.
He jumps, I jump. Together forever.
It’s how it’s meant to be.
I wonder if this is what insanity feels like?
The night is cool and damp. A slight wind stirred off the shore, welcoming me to my fate. Tall grass is whispering gently in the breeze, pushing me towards the lone figure standing on the edge. I could see that Gerard’s head was bent, looking intently down at the rocks below.
I can hear the wave’s crash angrily against the cliff face, a slight salty smell rising to my nostrils.
Every single one of nature’s movements is telling me the same thing. This is my destiny. I will be with Gerard forever and always. How can life beat us, when we’ve beaten life first?
I stand next to Gerard and take his hand, running my thumb across his palm, memorizing the texture and warmth. Gerard doesn’t even look up. His hair is blowing in every direction, pulling him towards the bottom.
“I’m glad you came, Frankie” He whispers, clutching my hand hungrily.
Usually, a comment like that would make my heart race with high-school puppy-love. But today I accepted the remark as appropriate for the situation. I was blind to think he didn’t love me.
How could he not love me when I was making the greatest sacrifice to insure our bond for eternity?
A particularly large gust of wind is blowing from behind us, making us sway closer to the edge.
“Are you ready?” asks Gerard, a calm excitement oozing from every word.
I nod, and lift my head from the jagged rocks to stare into his hazel eyes. He leans forward and kissed me, short, sweet, and full of love.
Grasping Gerard’s hand, I nod once more, and we step off the ledge.
With Gerard’s hand in mind, I see the wind trying to slow our decent, but failing, I see the rocks rising to meet us, I see every drop of water spraying around us, at the last moment, I look back towards Gerard and see in his eyes a look of awe and life.
And then all is black.
[A/N] I hope you enjoyed that.