I stood in my room and looked in the mirror at my reflection. It had been a week since Ava’s funeral. I went to the doctor yesterday and found out the baby growing in me was fine and healthy. I was do at the end of the year. I looked again at my reflection and cried. How could I walk around with this pregnancy when Amy had lost her child? How is it that her young body had rejected her daughter but my old body was accepting this child? Amy hadn’t left her and Jacks room all week and Jack wouldn’t leaver her side. He had missed school all week but Gerard and I didn’t have the heart to separate them. Everyone walked so quietly around the house. Death loomed over everyone’s steps. Gerard had taken it so hard, we all had. I hadn’t seen him smile until he heard his child’s hear beat yesterday. I wiped away my tears and dressed slowly. I walked down to my empty house. Gerard had dropped the girls off and headed to the studio and well Jack and Amy were in their room. I fixed myself some cereal and then cleaned a bit. I heard Jack walk into the kitchen.
“Hey” I said and turned to see him.
“Hi, mom I think she needs to go to one of those support groups” he said looking serious.
“I can call” I said and hugged him.
“How are you” I asked.
“Bad” He said honestly.
“She is worse... she cries a lot” He said sadly.
“I will call. Don’t worry” I assured him.
“Okay. I am going to take her some food” He said and grabbed some pop tarts out of the pantry.
He walked back up the stairs and I was left alone again. I sat there and thought about my family and everything we’d been through over the years. What did we do to deserve such bad luck? I have almost lost Gerard so many times and now I had lost my grandaughter. It just all seemed so unfair. Was I not being religious enough? We went to Mass on Christmas, and maybe a few other times a year. I prayed, sometimes. Was God punishing me? Robin had called last night and told me not to be upset that she wouldn’t be coming around to often. She didn’t want to flaunt her pregnancy in Amy’s face. I couldn’t help but think that’s what I would be doing soon. I would be a constant reminder to Amy of what she had lost. I had to stop thinking about all of this. I needed to go grocery shopping and I needed to get my mind off of all that has happened in this house.
“I don’t want it Jack” Amy said and handed the pop tarts back to me. She was barely eating and it was making me nervous.
“You have to eat, please” I pleaded.
“I can’t” She said and turned back over.
This week all she’s done was shower and lay in bed. I read the pamplet saying she would be feeling depressed. I didn’t know how to bring her out of it. I laid next to her and pulled her to me. Sometimes she pushed me away, other times she let me hold her. This time she pulled me closer.
“Do you think I could get pregnant again” She asked.
I kissed the back of her head “I don’t see why not. We could try in a few years” I said thinking about after high school.
“What about now” She said with tears in her voice.
“I don’t think it would be a good idea” I said truthfully. What sixteen year olds purposfully got pregnant?
“Fuck you” She said and pushed me away from her. Great, she was gonna freak out.
“I will go find someone to do it then” She stood up.
“What are you talking about Amy” I said standing up with her.
“Well I know Mike would love to fuck me, especially since I am conscious” She said and walked over to grab her jeans.
“Amy” I said shocked by her words.
“I want a baby” She yelled. I watched her slide on a shirt and grab her shoes.
“Were never getting her back Amy, getting pregnant again isn’t going to change that” I said and I felt her slap my face. I looked at her shocked, she needed help. I followed her when she walked out of the room. I looked around for help but no one was home.
“Come on Amy” I said as I followed her out the front door. She didn’t stop, I wanted to tackle her in the grass. Would she really go to Mike? I grabbed her arm and she turned and punched me in the stomach. I doubled over but didn’t let go of her hand.
“Stop it” I yelled, she paused.
She looked at me “I’m sorry Jack”. Then she turned and walked to her car and drove away.
“What the hell” I said and dialed Sam. “Hey Jack, how’s Amy” She asked.
“On her way to fuck your brother” I spat.
“What” She said shocked.
“Yeah I wont get her pregnant again, she said he would... please stop her Sam she isn’t in her right mind” I begged.
“I will. Stay close to your phone” She said then she was gone. I sat in the front yard and that’s where my mom found me. I told her what happened and she called the hospital and made Amy and appointment.
“I hope she’ll go” Mom said as we sat at the kitchen table.
“I hope she doesn’t sleep with Mike” I said feeling sick.
“She wont, she’s just... she’s not thinking straight” Mom said shaking her head.
“This is the hardest thing I have ever been threw” I said sadly.
“I know honey” mom said and touched my hand. I felt my phone vibrate and answered.
“Hey Sam” I said.
“Hey she is sleeping in my bed. She came over but came to me not Mike. Jack she is in a bad way” Sam said sounding concerned.
“I know, look I will be there in a bit. Thanks” I said and hung up.
“She’s with Sam. I am going to go get her” I said and got up.
“I will drive you” Mom said, I forgot about not having my license.
I walked into Sam’s room twenty minutes later and picked Amy up. She slept the whole way home and didn’t wake up when I laid her in our bed. I walked out of the room and slid down the wall in the hallway.
“I can’t do this” I said into my hands. I felt Lena come and sit next to me and stroke my hair. She didn’t speak, and neither did I. I got up later, kissed Lena then took a shower. I crawled into bed next to Amy and she turned to face me.
“You need to go see the pycologist” I said and she shook her head yes and laid her head on my chest.
“I will take you Monday” I said and she kissed my chin.
“I am sorry about today” She said and I knew she meant it. “It’s okay. Let’s graduate from school and get married that summer. I will get you pregnant as soon as you want okay” I said touching her face.
“Okay” She said and rested her head on my shoulder.
“I love you, you know” I whispered.
“I love you too Jack, even when I am being crazy” She said and kissed my chin again. Her hand slid to my face and she scooted up to look down at me. My hair was to my shoulders now and she brushed it out of my face. I grabbed her hand and kissed her fingers. She leaned down and kissed me, it was soft and slow. She held my face and deepened the kiss. I could feel my body reacting to her touch. I felt her hand fall from my face and began to trace down my chest. She lifted off my shirt and ran her hands over my chest.
“Amy” I said and grabbed her traveling hand. She looked at me, I knew that look.
“You haven’t touched me all week” She said and kissed my collar bone. I shut my eyes fighting wether to give in or not. I felt her tongue travel over my chest. I was giving in. I sat up and pulled her against me and kissed her. She grabbed my hair and brought my mouth harder onto hers. I pulled away to slip her shirt over her head, then un clasped her bra. I let my mouth kiss her neck, her chest. I had missed her touch so much this week. “
Jack” She whispered against the top of my head. She arched herself against me and I couldn’t wait anymore. I sat up and kicked off my pants and my boxers. She kicked off her underwear and pants at the same time. Then we fell back into each others arms. I slid in between her legs then stopped myself.
“We need a condom” I said, knowing it was not a good time to mention it but after all that had happened I couldn’t do this without protection.
“Fuck the condom” She said and pushed her hips against me. She was tricking me, I knew it in that moment. I sat back, it was tough to do.
“No Amy” I said and stood up. She sat up and I could see the anger in her eyes.
“You don’t want me” She asked.
“Obviously I do, but earlier your begging me to get you pregnant again. Now your trying to have un protected sex. Was this why you were being so sweet” I asked feeling my body tremble. I should have stopped before it got this far. If she begged I didn’t know if I could stop.
“Please Jack I need you to comfort me and you need to be comforted. I’m not trying to trick you, I just don’t want anything between us” She said looking like she would cry. Dammit, I slid back onto the bed and kissed her deeply. I felt her hands on my waist guiding me. Could I deny her nothing? It was like I was her fucking slave. I heard her moan my name and that was it for me.
“Keep kissing me please” She asked and grabbed my face. I didn’t break the kiss not once. I felt salt mingle into our kiss. Was she crying? Was I crying? Were we both crying? She was right about needing comfort, needing it from each other. Afterwards I buried my head in her neck and I didn’t leave her. I felt tears again and I cried into her hair. She held me and stroked my back and whispered how she loved me in my ear. We fell asleep in each others arms and it was the first night since we lost Ava that I didn’t have nightmares.