Unrequited love is a very sad thing indeed. It can ruin someone's entire life.
With a squeeze of the trigger, it could all be over. My life, my longing, my pain.
You wouldn't care, Gerard. Not as much as I'd want you to. Not as much as I've always wanted you to. I've yearned to know what your love feels like for years. Ever since you asked me to join the band. All of those girls you've loved. Kat, Olivia, Eliza, Lindsey. They didn't deserve you; but you've loved them anyway. What about me, Gerard? You've teased me with kisses and squeezes and hugs. I know that they meant nothing to you, but to me they meant the world. All those girls. They know. They've felt it. They've thrown it away...yet I've never been given the chance.
My heart has been shattered into millions of pieces, every time you introduce me to a new girlfriend. Of course, I'd rather you were happy in a relationship than miserable whilst single, but what about me? Why do I have to be miserable seeing you in relationships when we could be happy together? Jamia doesn't matter. I feel so guilty about that. About leading her on for so long. It's not that she's a bad person. She's amazing. Perhaps if I was different. Or normal, as some people would say. Maybe then I'd fully love her. But I don't. I know you can see it, Gerard. I know that you can sense it. You choose to ignore it. Like when I was fourteen. I knew I was gay. It didn't mean I embraced it straight away. I gave myself time. I was eventually content with my sexuality. I've given you time, too. I've given you almost ten years, Gerard. Why haven't you accepted it? Or even rejected? You just pretend it isn't there. But leaving me always waiting, always wondering, always wanting...it's not fair. A 'no' would let me know where I stand. It would let me get over you.
I love you more than Romeo loved Juliet. I'd happily die for you. I'd rather die than go on like this. Can't you see? I'd care for you. More than any of those women ever have. I can see your relationship with Lindsey deteriorating with each day that passes, but the bond between us just grows stronger. You are my life. Our relationship is my life. But it's not right.
A slice of a knife could end it, also. It would end this torture that I'm put through every fucking day when I see you and her. Particularly when I see your pain. The spark from your eyes has gone. Your fire has been extinguished. Pardon the cliche, but I could relight it. I know how to. I know how to make sure it never goes out again. If you'd give me the chance. I know that you love her less with every day that passes. And I know that I love you more.
I know my thoughts aren't very organized. I know that it has no fluency, no structure, no order. But neither do my feelings. The confusion is overwhelming. My mind is in turmoil, never knowing what to think. You've done this to me. You've fucked me up, Gerard.
I stare into the mirror and imagine a noose around my neck. It would be cleaner than with a gun or a knife. I'd hang like a piece of art. You like art. I'd call myself 'Gerard's Rejection' and I'd be a metaphor for the agony and anguish that unrequited love brings. It's kind of beautiful in a morbid way.
A tear threatens to fall from my eye, but I blink it away. I'm done crying. I'm done yearning. I pick up my car keys, scrawl a quick apology to Jamia and hurry out of the front door.
In the car, another tear almost escapes my eye, a lump in my throat makes it hard to breath. After all I've built for myself, a family, a career, a shitload of screaming fans, I was now abandoning it all. And just for you, Gerard. I just can't do it anymore.
I'm not going to kill myself. I'm no hypocrite. After telling all those kids not to do it, I'm not going to fuck it all up by doing it myself. I just have to get away from here. I have to get away from this pain. It could all be over with a leap from a cliff. But I can't do that. Instead I have to carry on, with this void in my heart. This sinking feeling in my stomach. This unrequited love.