After DeG disbanded, Toshiya realized that something important being taken away from him...
By : Judas_Tree
Mail : firstname.lastname@example.org
Pairing : Toshiya x Shinya
Band : Dir en grey
Disclaimer : I own nothing... sad, but true.
Well.. this is my 2nd fic of DEG, and hoping for better in the future... as long as I'm not being a lazy git again ... I'm planning to make another pairing now ... hmmm ... Well, enjoy, and don't forget to mail me !!! Tell me everything, good or bad. I will highly appreciate it, because reviews keep me alive...!
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" ... osanai koro wo omou yasashisa ni ueteta... " (1)
The deep but faint tone of a young man echoing in that dim room, breaking the night's stillness .
" amari ni mo toosugita anata no koe ... " (2)
Then came a soft laugh... a bitter laugh. He didn't usually sing, but that night, his lips suddenly parted open and hum on its own accord. And that song... probably the most suitable song for what he felt within that night.
~ kimi ni okuru shitto dake ga tsunoru bakari
kizu tsuku no ga kowakute nani mo dekinaku naru ~(3)
The next line of his yellow headed vocalist's lyrics echoing in his mind, and he sighed.
The days after Dir en Grey disbanded has never been the same. Everyday flowing at a snail's pace , slowly killing him inside.
" Look at me now. I'm falling to pieces, you can say.... "
He said bitterly to himself, his slurry tone fills the air.
Now, let me clear things out about our main character here.
No... he's not poor, definitely not ugly, and of course not stupid. He's just alone.... Lonely to the core. Maybe you start to think that he's a sad person , kind of shy human being that have no one to talk to, keeping his shy face shut from the world. No... you're terribly wrong. He has more than everyone waiting for him out there, but yet, He's still alone. And he asked himself...
His best friend, the red head one, just called yesterday. They spent time together one full day, and totally have fun. I mean, at least he tried to have fun. Die is a really nice person, so why should he ruin his mood by sulking at him all the time?
But that's not enough for him, I can say.
Okay... before you start to think that He's a mad person that always has a fuckin' temper every fuckin' day, I will going straight to the point. He's not used to be like this... Facing the world with such a pathetic temper, but ever since the day their band disbanded, his mood is losing its way day by day. So... I'll tell you this...
He's grieving for a person.
That person who used to be his best friend, his quiet and beautiful companion. The shy drummer that always fills his mind every single time, but realization always came too late. Far too late.
There are days when they spent times apart from each other tough, but it never bothered his mind. He knew that they will always see each other again, so this kind of feeling never came before. It struck him now, and he didn't know what to do.
He dialed Shinya's number for the hundredth time for today, but still.... The answer is the same as always.
The drummer had replaced his number.
It's driving him nuts. His arms lifted up, ready to smash his cell phone onto the floor, but fortunately, rational part of his brain has not yet die. He tried to regain control of himself again, but ending up curling himself on his bed, tugged his own hair in desperation.
So he randomly dialed his band mates numbers, and asked them the same question,
" Do you know Shinshin's new number?
... Tell me you know, onegai .... "
But they only say sorry and sympathized him, that they themselves facing the same problem with him. But none of them seemed so miserable ... so desperate like him.
It is him... or the world is playing its game ...?
He hadn't eat anything since... he didn't know himself when, but now, his stomach is totally empty. He didn't even think to eat, though... all he can do is watching their video together, pre concert, on stage, holidays together ... and that very moment, he realized something.
He propped his eyes wider, raking the television screen with disbelief. Vulgar concert was played there, and after hours that lasted like forever his eyes fixed on someone in particular, his eyes change its direction by accident. He saw himself playing his bass solo beautifully, and every minute his head will turn back, facing .... The beautiful drummer. He saw himself there, his own reflection, stole glances to Terachi Shinya, over, over, and over again ...
It is like a habit to him, to steal a glance at the drummer on stage. He didn't know why, but the sight of the drummer gave him more strength to go on, and give power to his bass playing. It kept him alive, and regain his spirit anew. He never care about whether the drummer took a glance back or not...
-The most important thing is to see him.-
-To have him in front of you-
-To let him live in your eyes.-
' It even showed up on stage... how can I be so blind ...!?'
So, with a realization of his feelings that struck him that time, he grabbed his key and rushed to the door, clutching his hope intensely in his heart.
~ + ~ + ~ + ~ + ~
He arrived at the drummer's apartment at almost 1 a.m. , running like crazy and push the elevator button. A minute seemed like forever, and his patience slipped away from its space. He decided to take on the stairs. It's on the 6th floor anyway ... it's nothing compared to the torture he receive this past seven days.
So he arrived, and, fighting his raging breath, and started to knock.
" No, wait... maybe he's asleep now..."
He decided to search for his spare key from his pocket, his hands trembling violently in the process, creating a difficulty to put it right in the hole.
" Pull yourself together... you're going to see Shinya ... "
He said, a faint smile started to formed on his lips. So, holding his breath, he turns the knob open.
But what he found in front of his eyes is maybe the worst thing he wanted to happen in his life.
It confusing him at first, to see that the place is completely dark.
' It's 1 a.m. now, Toshiya no baka... of course it is dark! '
He cursed himself, but can't completely forget about the strange bad feeling he had until then. But when he observed more closely...
The room is practically empty, with only sofas and tables left, all coated with white linen. The room is dark, and giving no sign of living. He looked around one more time and stepped inside, running madly straight to the drummer's room.
" Shinshin ...! "
He called, although he knew that no one will answer. The room is practically blank ... and nothing else.
Maybe deep within, he already knows what going on. But some part of his mind tried to reject the truth, and continuing his action. He continued running to the bathroom, kitchen, living room, and balcony, only to face the reality, the cruel reality even closer. Every room is empty from the drummer's stuff, but yet, still has the drummer's scent all around.
~ + ~ + ~ + ~ + ~
He started to pull himself together again when he arrived again on the ground floor, staring blankly his stepping feet.
He didn't understand why Shinya did this to them. To him. He changed his number, and moved without telling anyone...
It almost seemed like... he did it on purpose. He seemed disappeared on his own free will, locked himself from them, from the world, from him.
''I thought you're my precious... ''
He said in whisper, then, couldn't take anymore steps, squatting on the floor.
Tears started to formed in his eyes, and he didn't bother to hold back. He cried there, on the floor, clutching his knees in a juvenile manner.
' How could you do this to me, Terachi Shinya ... ? '
Then. No holding back again. He didn't care anyone will see him or the media will took the pictures of Toshiya, The already-grown-up-ex-bassist of Dir en Grey crying on the floor. All he cared about was... how he supposed to face the world now without him... the source of his strength? The light in his days ...?
" Sir.. can I help you? "
A voice called. He looked up, and found a security officer looked down at him in sincere expression.
So he stood up and wipe his tears silently, tried to calm himself down. At least he still has a hope left to this person.
" Ano... Terachi Shinya on 6th floor... can you give me information about him? Seemed like he moved already ..."
" Of course. Follow me, please. "
He answered, then took him to a small room with a computer, typing the drummer's name on it.
" So, He moved from here two days ago..." The man started to spoke.
Two days... they didn't met only for a week, but he moved already...
" And he's new address ... "
~ + ~ + ~ + ~ + ~
Shinya kneeled down behind the heap of boxes, busy tidying up his belongings. He just moved there three days ago, and all he could do was arranging and organizing his things. So damn boring. He's opening the next box now, and what he discovered inside forming a faint smile on his lips.
It's his photo albums, with loads of DEG photos in it. He took a slow flap on the first page, and seen them in their Gauze's visual kei period. He couldn't find himself in there, weird... Ah. So he must be the one taking it. Even since so long time ago, his destiny is being their prey, that's for sure....
Kaoru with his pink jolted hair mocking at the camera, and beside him is the red-haired Die, laughing at the situation. Beside him further is Kyo, putting up his usual serious and scary expression, putting up his middle finger, and at the utmost right... is the blue-haired Toshiya.
That Toshiya... what is he doing now? Shinya wonder. It is getting weird for him to miss his noisy remarks and boyish grins all over the place ... that crooked monkey teeth that being his irreplaceable attribute ....
' Am I missing him...? '
He asked himself.
Of course he is. He missed four of them for sure, but something had prevented him for telling them the truth about his leaving... he didn't know what, but still ...
He is going to continue to the next page, when his doorbell rang.
' Who it can be ...? At this kind of hour..."
Worry start to crept up his heart. He stepped out from his room, and took a sight of the raining night sky outside. Without a space heater, it surely very cold out there...
He took a peek at his intercom to the view of his mysterious guest, and it struck him.
And without thinking twice, he opens the door lock, pulling the door open, wide.
He sighed, eyes wide, finding his dear band mate stood there, bent his head down, and soaked from head to toe.
Toshiya's face lifted up now, only to place his burning gaze into the auburn's one.
' He's pissed off ..'
Shinya can say, and looked away. He can't take that kind of gaze any longer, and then stepped aside to let the bassist in.
He had tried to help him dry himself, but being refused quietly. The warm tea he served on the table is also abandoned, and now, the two only sat there on Shinya's new leather sofa, performed a conversation by mind-reading only, creating an uncomfortable silence.
' What's with him..? Only came here to glare and acting cold towards me? "
The drummer thought, slightly annoyed. He missed the bassist, of course, and hoping for a better reunion. Not like this.
The bassist didn't even bother to look at him, or he's looking at him... Shinya couldn't say. His wet hair is falling down to his face, and blocking the direction of his gaze from sight.
' Fine. If he keeps going on like this, I'll just go back to my stuffs ... '
Shinya started to leave, and it caught the bassist's attention successfully.
" Did you ever lost someone precious, Shinya? "
'Shinya'. He had called him 'Shinya' , and that name ringing monotonously in his head. Totchi never called him that way since their Indies period, when they barely know each other. After that time, he always called him Shinshin, Shin-chan, whatever intimate. But tonight...
" .... "
His mind went blank. Someone precious...? Maybe he had experienced it, he must have, but can't remember it well.
" It figured. "
There's a distrust and sardonic impression in his tone, and he's snorted now. What a manner.
' Something real bad must be bothered his mind...'
Shinya thought, and took a pity at the man now. He came back to sit on the sofa, anger started to vanished, replaced by sympathy.
" I just lost someone I love with all my heart, Shinya. "
He said again, and he's looking at him now. That dazzling face he missed so much...
But suddenly Toshiya got up his feet, walking slowly towards him, then placed his arms beside the drummer's shoulder, hovering over him and trapped him on the sofa. Shinya can barely feel the heat of the bassist chest merely inches away from his face, and the scent of his sweet but intoxicating scent, seeps to his brain, driving him high ....
" We didn't met ONLY for a week, but you miss so much fun, you know? Yes, Shinya...I'm 32 now, and I'm just realized that I love someone after he's gone... pathetic isn't it? "
Totchi said in a sensuously dangerous and husky tone, still piercing his flaming gaze to the drummer.
Shinya couldn't take it any longer. Yes. It's great he has someone for him now. And he looked away, running away from the bassist's eyes, trying to ignore the deep pain he felt inside too.
" Look at me when I'm talking ...!"
Totchi said, clutching his jaw and pull his face towards him again, forced the drummer to look at him.
' What am I doing? Why he spilled his rage towards me? I didn't do anything wrong if he lost his loved one...'
He screamed inside, already frightened at the bassist. This is not the Totchi he knew... the one that always grinning and gentle towards him...
" I've known him for a very long time ... a very very long time... he's always be by my side, but yet, I'm always too fuckin' stupid to understand that I love him. He's the most beautiful person I've ever know, Shinya... beautiful enough to make me even lost my breath. "
His expression is softened now, and brushing his thumb to Shinya's cheeks slowly, caressing him in a soothing manner.
" He's always so quiet and confusing... but somehow that's what made me keep on questioning and want him even more... interesting isn't it ? "
His way of speaking made him almost singing now... Totchi has a very special tone of speaking which is flowing up and down like a lullaby, and is so graceful to hear... even if it is full of anger and suffering like this ...
" And how stupid I am when I think he love me back... when I realized about my feelings and run to him, he's gone. And it pisses me off, Shinya... for loving some one that being a fuckin' stabber in the BACK !!!!!"
He's spatting the last word harsh in front of the Shinya's face, creating a soft shriek from the drummer.
" Yes... that's right.. and I'm still longing for him even now... I won't give up so easily, you know that. I drove to his new place in the rain, get soaked and fed-up, but all I get is DAMN nothing. He only sit there in front of me, obviously scared, and clueless about everything. But It's fine... because I love him for that... "
Shinya stared at him wide eyed, didn't believe his ears. It is... a hidden confession...?
" ......... "
No answer again. compressed between shock and disbelief, the drummer can do nothing but silent... again. Does he supposed to give an answer ... now?
" ... "
The bassist is quiet too now. But from his expression, he demanded an answer immediately.
" ....... "
But still, no answer came out from the drummer's mouth. He only stared blankly at Totchi, his expression as flat as always, didn't reflected what he felt inside now at all.
" ... So, this is it. I'm such a fool to dare to hope ...
His tone is still calm until then, but drastically changes its demeanor.
" FROM THE WAY YOU LEFT, YOU NEVER GIVE A SHIT ABOUT US, DO YOU ... !!!!?? "
The drummer felt a sudden jolt run through his veins when the bassist's cold hands grabbed the side of his neck, shook him brutally, spitting the sentence right in front of his face. The auburn's eyes widened in disbelief now, his lips parted in awe...
" If words can't make you understand, I guess I have it my way... "
A rough kiss come after, a harsh and brutal kiss on the drummer's neck. He licked, sucked and bit there, ignoring the drummer's dreadful shriek and repel, tried his back to push the bassist's chest with his slender arms. But years of experience to be a drummer still not enough to defeat the bassist's endurance. His muscles tensed up, both because of lust and anger, tried his best to trap the drummer on the sofa.
Shinya wanted to scream, beg, or anything else to stop the bassist, but his voice seemed to choked up. His mind and gaze blurred from fear and desire that grow within him, and how his body reacted with the bassist's very little touch made him scarier even more. He can fell the bassist's husky breath upon his neck, making its way to nibbled on his ears.
His fear reach his peak when the bassist's icy palm slipped under his loose shirt, making a trail of fire by its way, rubbing his smooth belly and make its way lower ...
" No, Totchi ... please ..."
There. He's begging now, but the bassist seemed to ignore it completely. He's far too absorbed in his doing; make a rhythmic stroke at the drummer's arousal with his expert fingers. Shinya's head felt extremely dizzy now, and at last..
" TOTCHI !!! Stop ... please ... "
There again. He cried now, hot tears streaming down his face. But this time, his voice seemed to reach the bassist's ears. Seeing a big chance in front of his eyes, the drummer regain all of his strength and push the bassist's away with all his might, and running madly out of his apartment.
~ + ~ + ~ + ~ + ~
Shinya spent his never ending night at the 24 hours coffee shop, 5 blocks away from his apartment, sipped his Brazilian hot coffee bit by bit. He can't help himself but stealing a glance to the window, afraid that the shadow of his band mate might show up and ... no. He didn't want to remember it again.
He stood up then, and makes his way to the bathroom.
Cold water helped him perfectly that night. He washed his face and hands, and then, with a nervous gulp down his throat, removes the hem of his collar slowly.
He cringed at the vision on the mirror, which is himself. His face looked pale and wobbly, and, slowly his gaze went lower. He saw bit marks there, the red and raw hickeys all over his neck.
Shinya sighed, and couldn't keep wondering why all this could be happening. Under his consciousness, the bassist words rang again inside his brain.
- You never give a shit about us. -
Shinya tried his best to replay all the time he had with the bassist together, and stunned with the answer he found:
Totchi is the only one who always makes a go. He himself is the one that always passive and accept, but never bother to give...
- He's always so quiet and confusing... -
Yes, he's an tremendous introvert human being, and no matter Totchi opened up his heart for him, he never open his for the bassist... but no matter how hard it is, the bassist was always there to knock on his door. Knock and knock... even the door he waited for so long has not yet been opened for him ....
- He's beautiful enough to make me lost my breath. -
That quick glance the bassist stole on stage or off stage, his sincerity towards him.... He knew it all along. But somehow his brain rejected to confess it, and pretended that nothing happened...
- a fuckin' stabber in the back ... -
Yes, he's indeed the damn backstabber all this time. He needed the bassist for sure, but never wants to admit it. He received all his love and honesty all this time, but when the time comes, he left without a pace... leaving the other with pain in his heart.
- But It's fine... because I love him for that -
That words echoing in his mind, and push himself to the edge. Totchi is not the one that being selfish all this time, like everyone said. Behind his quiet and secretive nature, Shinya had realized that he's the selfish one. He never cared about sharing himself to the other, even when the bassist already opens himself fully to him....
" I'm sorry... "
He whispered to the thin air, but again, realization always comes too late.
Far too late.
~ + ~ + ~ + ~ + ~
The elevator door swung open. But again, his feet seemed to nailed on the elevator's floor, a big fear clutching in his heart.
' What if he's still there? Waiting for me to come back, then ... '
And when the train of his fears went on and on, the elevator door swayed closed again.
' No ! '
He yelled by reflex, and push the -open- button again, try to regain his bravery.
' Until when you will come back down and up again, Terachi Shinya ? He's already leave to his place ... you fear for nothing ... just get over it ...! '
He tried to encourage himself, then, stepped out from the full-mirror 2x2 little room.
He then took little steps forward, crossing his arms in front of his body unconsciously defensive. But, to his surprise, he found his door is still ajar.
' Weird... if he's still here, the door must be closed already ... '
He said to himself, and peeked inside. It is still dark, just like last night, and silence.
So he continuing stepped forward, but, after two or three little steps, he stumbled hard, almost crushing to the floor.
" Totchi ...! "
He found himself screamed in horror to find the bassist lay on the floor, looked unconscious. All the fear he had inside seemed to fly away somewhere far, and, by instinct, try to confirmed the bassist's condition.
' He got a real bad fever ... '
So he lifted up the older one, laid him onto the nearest sofa. Few minutes later, bringing back a bowl of cold water and cloth, he wrapped the bassist's forehead gently.
" Shin-chan. "
Totchi's eyes fluttered open, felt a sudden coldness that enveloped his forehead.
" I'm sorry. "
The drummer could see guilt hanging in his eyes, and can't help but shoved all his fears aside, putting a frank smile across his lips. It's easy to forgive the bassist, anyway... thank God for his beauty and heart-melting puppy eyes ...
' Wait ... what's that ...? '
Something caught the drummer's eyes. A red stain existed there, on the bassist forehead.
" What is this? "
He touched it gently with his fingers, creating a small 'eep' from Totchi.
" It is your stupid table doing it to my head! "
He shot an angry glare to the table right beside the sofa they were on, pouting slightly. The usual Toshiya is back.
' So.. it's because I pushed him away last night ... '
" Sorry to you too ... "
The drummer said in whisper, still didn't have enough guts to looking back straight to the bassist's eyes.
I already forgive you , and I'll always will, Shin-chan... just like you have forgive my disorder nature every single day. '
He said inside, but still has some doubt in his heart.
" Sorry for what? "
" ..... "
Totchi fixed his eyes at the drummer, whose head still bowed down, seemed lost in thought. Not so long after, he answered.
" For willing to receive, but not to give. "
He heard the drummer said silently, but somehow, it melted his heart in no time. At least the drummer said something from his heart, and it has been a very special gift for our bassist.
Couldn't hold back his happiness, Totchi took a great leap of hug to the younger one, and whispered softly to his ears.
" Kimi wo aishi, Shin-chan ... "
~ + ~ + OWARI + ~ + ~
A/N : I'm getting lazy at the ending again ... I can't believe I spent whole 3 weeks to remake this fic over and over again ... what a waste of time !!!! So, please review and tell me what you think .... !!!
(1) I think about when I was young and hungered for kindness
(2) Your voice was far too distant
(3) The jealousy I give you is only an invitation
I'm afraid of being hurt, and I can do nothing
(4) I'm loving you