whenever i'm frustrated i redecorate my room a remove pieces of furniture oOoOoOoooOoOooOOO
If I had a dollar for every second of the day I mourned my existence, I’d have enough money for them to put me sleep and never let me wake back up again. I felt like these constant deaths were my fault. I walked the halls with my head hung low, but not low enough to let people walk all over me.
“Hey there.” William walked around the corner, and stood in front of me.
“What do you want from me, Beckett?” I wasn’t one for beating around the bushes, you don’t just talk to someone after a terrible fight.
“I just wanted to know how you feel about you know, the whole Wentz thing.” He said, his tone quieting. Pete had managed to escape any form of punishment, considering that he hadn’t known what was going to happen, and the police bought his sob story.
“I feel responsible. There’s nothing I can do now, I can’t bring anyone back.” I said, choking down tears. It had been days since Paige’s death and a few months since Natalie’s. I should be a lot more fucked up than this.
“Well, I was talking to Kyle earlier today. You know why Paige really didn’t want to play that show?” William asked, crossing his arms over his chest.
“No, why?” Honestly, I just remember Paige bitching at me that day for making her be there. I never asked her why, or at least she never told me.
“Well, that was the anniversary of her parents who had died in a car crash. Every year, she brings flowers her, and takes her siblings down to the grave, then spends the rest of the day with her family. This year, she had to be at rehearsal all day.” William explained.
My heart sank to the floor, making me feel ten times worse. So this was all my fault.
“Oh my god. This is all my fault. If it weren’t for me, she’d still be alive right now, and nobody would be hurt, and I-“ I started bawling in the middle of the hallway, out of what looked like nowhere, but it was just built up tension from the past few months.
“Hey, hey, no its not.” William wrapped his long arms around me, his shirt soaking up all my tears, my burning cheeks felt like hell against the material of shit clothing.
“Yes it fucking is, if it weren’t for me, she’d still be alive, Natalie would still be alive.” I managed to spit out in between incessant hiccups.
“You didn’t pull the trigger, it isn’t your fault.” We stood there, and he held me. The bell had rang, and I walked out to class, trying to compose myself as I walked through the door.
It was one of those classic high school scenes, where the one kid walked into the class and everybody in that room stared.
I ignored the stares, and continued about my business. Luckily, it was one of those days where we just watched a movie the whole class, so I put my head down and drowned myself in comforting thoughts.
Its not my fault.
Its not my fault.
Just forget about it.
I started to focus in on the whatever movie we were watching.
It wasn’t my fault at all, I didn’t fucking pull the trigger. No one is mad at me, this isn’t my fault.
I calmed myself and started to fall asleep.
Her long locks of hair cascaded down her back. Her bones were perfectly structured. She was beautiful. I couldn’t see her face, but I knew of her beauty. We all did. She angrily looked at her phone, and threw it at her wall and cried and cried. She took a picture frame off her wall and threw it out the window, along with other items. With each minute, she grew angrier. She slammed open the bathroom door, finding some sleeping pills. She filled a glass of water, and took 11 sleeping pills. She ran back to her bed, turned out the lights and slept and slept and slept and-
“Carolyn Martinez!” I heard Mr. Cuomos yell from across the room. I wiped the saliva off of my arm, and went back to paying attention to the video.
I tried to remember what I just dreamt of.
So there was an angry girl, and she took too many sleeping pills.
This could be anybody! And plus, I don’t have any other female friends.
I walked over to the lunch table, and sat down, contemplating my dream, trying to remember.
“Hey baby girl.” Dave sat down, giving me a kiss on the forehead.
I saw William chuckle from across the table, I looked up making eye contact. How I wanted him gone so bad.
“Hi sugar, what are we doing this weekend? I asked, it becoming somewhat of a habit.
“Well, my parents are leaving town on Saturday, so I was thinking you could come over that night and watch a movie.” He said, loud enough so only I could hear. I looked up at him to see a smirk on his face, I could only blame myself.
“That sounds about right.” I smiled, squeezing his hand.
Brooke Baker did her daily strut passed our table to get to hers, with her arm candy, I hadn’t bothered to see who it was.
“Aw, hi Caro. Where are your lady pals? They couldn’t live with you anymore, huh?” She smiled. Wow, that was low, even for her.
There’s nothing you can say to that. So I stood up, handed the bracelets on my wrist to David and started beating the living shit out of her. I punched her in the nose hard enough to knock her to the floor, which did happen. She let out a helpless scream, making me want to punch her even more. I got on top of her, and started taking blows to her face. She covered her face with her arms, only defending herself so littler.
“DON’T YOU FUCKIN EVER COME AROUND ME AGAIN YOU FUCKING CRAZY ASS BITCH HIPSTER OH MY GOD” I snuck in there at some point between being pulled off her by David and Gabe and spitting on her.
I had done some pretty good damage, seeing as her face was covered in blood and she was still on the ground. I felt accomplished; everybody at my table just stared with their jaws dropped. Brooke’s group came over and started threatening at me/ helping her up.
I hadn’t noticed, but there was a crowd of kids surrounding us chanting ‘BITCH FIGHT’. The dean had ran into the crowd, and pulled me out of the cafeteria to his office where he assigned me 3 months of detention. No suspension, just detention.
I had explained what happened, and I guess he had figured that’s what he would of done if someone had said that to him.
“Somebody’s feisty.” William said as I walked out of the dean’s office.
“Well, you heard what she said to me. I’m not going to let anybody get away with that shit.” I said, speaking in the moment.
“I know you won’t, and that’s what I love about you.” He laughed, rubbing my back.
“I don’t think there’s anything to love about me.” I sighed, thinking back to the past few months of my life.
“Oh really? I bet you I can name five good things.” William challenged me. We walked towards the quad, where we always went when we ditched class.
“Lies.” I denied, I couldn’t even think of ten things.
“One, your laugh is about the most adorable sound I’ve ever heard in my life. Two, when you’re sad, you go and write letters to people, never intending to send them. I remember that one time in 9h grade when you wrote one to me about how big of a crush you had on me and how we’d never end up together because I was just too good for you. That letter was the reason I didn’t hang myself like I was planning on doing. Three, your lyrics about the most passionate things I’ve ever heard, they’re rawer than the cuts on your arm. Four, every time you orgasm, the words ‘I love you’ always seem to slip out. Five, I have never met someone I can trust more than you in my life.” He spoke, making me speechless. I turned to him, trying to find one a hint of uncertainty in his eyes. There were none.
“William, I can’t do this. I- ” I said desperately.
“I just wanted you to know okay.” He interrupted, taking my hands in his, looking into my eyes.
“Okay.” I closed my eyes, wanting this nightmare to be over.
There was a senior, invite only party that I managed to get invited to tonight. I fixed my winged eyeliner, and short purple mini dress. I was ready to do what I do best- party and get wasted.
The music in that house so loud, I felt the bass bumping on the walls. My vision had started to blur from the number of questionable liquids I consumed. My mind and common sense started to go their separate ways. My lips trailed to unknown boys. A boy with a jewfro to be specific. I knew something was wrong. I knew something was bad was going to happen but I couldn’t stop myself. My hands wandered in forbidden territories, as well as my mouth. There were so many signs telling me to leave, but I had to stay, there was a part of me that wanted the wrong part of all of this. So I just kept doing it. I party myself unconscious, managing to find myself down the pants of at least 5 guys at that party before doing so. I felt the bright flashes of light on my skin, somebody would find out.
I woke up hours later in somebody’s arms. The jewfro guy! I know I had seen him somewhere besides earlier that night, but at school or at a show or somewhere. His phone had been vibrating awful violently on the back of my head.
I awoke the sleeping boy, shoving the phone in his face. He wasn’t nearly as fucked up as I was. He looked at his phone and rushed out of there as fast as possible. I sat up, not knowing where any of my clothes went. Ha. David’s gonna get a kick out of this one.
I checked my phone, there had only been one missed message from William: “You fucking whore, get over to my house right now, you need to see this”
What the hell is going on? I stood up, my head spinning like a mother. Somehow, I found somebody’s long shirt, so I figured if I’m going over to William’s, what’s the point of pants?
Somehow, I found my way to William house, passing paramedics on the way. I rang William’s door bell. I looked over to the neighbor’s place, it was filled with policeman and crying persons.
“What the hell is going on?” I demanded from William when he opened the door.
“You fucking tell me.” He yelled at me, his phone at me, a shoving a picture of me and Joe Trohman at the partying… violating each other.
“Shut up William, we aren’t anything! What the hell does this have to do with anything?!” I could see why he’d be mad, but it being 7 AM and all wouldn’t be the most convenient time for either us to discuss this.
“This picture went around, Caro. Think about it. Who lives next door? Who did you just recently beat the shit out of, making her whole clique dumb her. Who did you just fuck? Whose boyfriend was that? The only person that Brooke Baker had left was Joe Trohman, and you better fucking believe she saw this and when she did she went ape shit and ended up killing herself.” I stared back at the neighbor’s house, recognizing everybody’s face now.
“William, you don’t understand, I didn-“ I started, the feeling of hopelessness and guilt a homey feeling now.
“Caro, you don’t need to explain anything to anybody. I think you’ve done enough.” William said, his bitterness was actually understandable now.
I am a monster.
I’M SORRY THIS WAS A TERRIBLE CHAPTER I AM A TERRIBLE PERSON AND THERE WAS NO QUAL DAMMIT I SHOULD ROT IN HELL
I STARTED IT AT LIKE 4 IN THE MORNING DON’T JUDGE
I AM TIRED
I AIN’T PROOF READING THIS SHIT
IT IS 5:45 GODDAMMIT