i head banged too much my neck hurts
It had been two days since William’s suicide.
I didn’t eat, drink, sleep, talk.
I sat in my room and cried and cried, because I knew this was my entire fault.
David had offered for me to stay over with him for comfort but it would only make me feel worse. This could have been avoided. I could of not been so fucking selfish and been mature and actually went and talked to him instead of fucking texting him.
I could of broke it off when I started dating David.
I could of not dated David.
I slide on a black, thigh length dress with a silver locket and black flats: William’s favorite outfit. David picked me up in his new Mercedes; it was silent the whole way. We got to the funeral home full of familiar classmates, and family members. I stayed composed until I saw his picture next to the open casket. I walked up to the casket, and brought my eyes upon his beautiful frail face. I turned David who was standing next to me, and buried my face in his chest, I never cried in public. I lived my life always being watched. Nobody could know I had feelings. I was always putting on a show, for who? Myself. I tricked myself into believing I was strong, I was important. I’m not, I’m some kid in Barrington who kills themselves with the wrong.
David wrapped his arms around me and tears cascaded down my cheeks, burning the skin. I wanted William back and safe. I wanted him to be happy, or at least pretend he was. Here we go, talking about me again, but he just made me so happy.
That’s my problem, that’s why he’s gone, because of my selfishness. God fucking dammit.
“Would everybody please take their seats?” Some guy in all black sent us back to our seats.
There were speeches made by his family, words by a priest, presentations, but I didn’t pay attention. There was a picture hung up of William and I back in 9th grade, we were best friends. I was sitting next to him on a swing, and he kissed my cheek. I was eating ice cream, and we were both wearing stripes. It was a spinoff of a picture we had taken when we were five. I could only focus on that picture. We looked so happy, he looked so happy. What happened?
I found David and fucked up what we both knew as love.
At that point, I couldn’t stand the guilt; I took my purse and ran outside. I sat down on the bench and went through my phone and read the last text I had sent him about David.
I read it over once again angrily, and threw my phone at the brick wall a couple feet away. I was steaming with anger and guilt, I couldn’t cry; I screamed. That didn’t help. I got up and started punching the wall with all my might; I went insane.
David ran out of the building, finding me and pulling me away from the wall, grabbing my bloody fists. I tried to fight myself away from him, which didn’t end up well.
“Fucking let me go.” I yelled, trying to pry his fingers off of me, pushing and shoving.
“CARO, CALM DOWN.” He yelled at me, his eyes were large and determined.
I broke underneath glare. I stopped fighting, and just broke back out into tears, angry tears.
He sighed, wrapping his arms around me again while I cried.
“This is all my fucking fault.” I said into his chest.
“No Caro, it isn’t, stop saying that.” He said, I could hear the annoyance in his voice. I had been saying that for the past three days, over and over again.
“No David, it is, it really is!” I pulled away from him, staring into his pupils.
“CAROLYN IT IS NOT YOUR FUCKING FAULT.” He held my hands, and put emphasis on each word.
“You don’t fucking get it.” I said, yanking my self away from him.
“Oh, I don’t get it? What don’t I get Caro, enlighten me.” He said, crossing his arms across his chest.
“You don’t even fucking care.” I stopped away from him, down the pathway.
“No, Caro! Tell me, is it all about you? Because, you seemed to make that funeral all bout you.” He said, chasing after me. Oh hell no.
“NO DAVID. IT WAS ABOUT YOU. ME AND WILLIAM WERE IN LOVE FOR OUR WHOLE LIVES, WE WERE. WHEN I FOUND YOU, I LEFT WILLIAM BEHIND. WHEN YOU DECIDED YOU WERE GOING TO BE A CELEBIST, I STARTED USING WILLIAM FOR SEX. ME AND WILLIAM, WE HAD SEX. WE HAD THE BEST SEX YOU COULD EVEN IMAGINE SINCE SOPHOMORE YEAR. AND YOU KNOW WHAT, IT DIDN’T STOP WHEN I STARTED DATING YOU, NOPE. WE NEVER STOPPED HAVING SEX OR LOVING EACH OTHER. BUT I DECIDED I LOVED YOU TOO MUCH, AND I TOLD HIM TO FUCK OFF. I CHOSE YOU OVER HIM, I TOLD HIM THAT YOU WON.” I yelled, as hysterical as possible. I started back into tears. David stood there in shock, he stopped walking towards me.
“I’m sorry I’m so fucking selfish, I’m sorry I think the world revolves around me, I do. This is the price I paid.” I whispered, my eyes were clouded.
David could have done million different things: leave, punch me in the face, laugh, start yelling back, but he didn’t do any of those things.
He walked up to me, held my hand and we walked over to the car. We said nothing. It was a long car ride, and I slept. I didn’t dream, I had a peaceful sleep.
I woke up in my room, with ice cream and cosmic brownies to each side of me, and David chillin’ with a magazine at other side of the room.
We made eye contact for a split second, and our eyes fell.
I sat up, got out of my bed and sat on the arm of David’s chair.
“Hey.” I mumbled.
“Hi.” He said back, his face was blank.
“David, do you love me? Be honest.” I asked him, my voice was smoother than expected.
“I think I do.” He said after thinking for a second.
“Leave. Don’t come back.” I closed my eyes, putting my hand on his shoulder.
“What?” He said, caught completely off guard.
“If you love me, you’ll leave. I don’t hate you, I just want to save you while there’s still something left to save.” I said slowly.
“Caro, I love you-“ He started again.
“I’m not answer for the questions you chose to have, you aren’t the answer to mine.” I said, surprisingly poetic. (somebody please tell me they know where those 3 lines were from)
“Wait what?” He asked, lost in my words.
“I don’t want to hurt you as bad as I did William. I know I will. Don’t want your bullshit, I just want you to leave. Leave and be happy without me, there is somebody out there for you. It is not me. You’ve seen what I’ve done to people. It don’t want it to happen to you. I love you, I do, but David, leave. Don’t come back for me.” I said, with the most sincerity in my heart.
“You’re sure this is what you want?” He asked, one last time.
“I am sure.” I nodded, taking a deep breath.
“Alright.” He put down the magazine in his hands down and stood up.
“Is this goodbye then?” He asked.
“It is.” I said softly, not looking up at him.
I heard him sigh a final time. He leaned down and kissed my forehead. I wanted to cry. I didn’t want it to come to this, but it had to. He pivoted his heels and walked out of my room, out of my house.
Part of me was relieved; the other half was of course unsatisfied, as per usual.
I had to end this now. I wasn’t going to let a stupid dream decide the future.
I ran downstairs to my basement. I rummaged through a bunch of my dad’s tools until I found what I needed.
Yup, that’s what I needed.
I put the barrel of fully loaded gun to my temple.
“Well, here goes nothing.” I mumbled to myself.
And pulled the trigger.
My world went black.
I started to see again, there was a blinding white light. I wasn’t on earth anymore. I wasn’t in hell either. It most certainly wasn’t Heaven. Purgatory? I don’t know. I saw a group of familiar people yards away from me, in a meadow type situation. Is this real life? Was death really this cliché? I walked towards them. Them being Natalie, Paige, Brooke (I still didn’t like that bitch), Gabe, Pete and of course, William.
They all looked at me, but didn’t say anything. William stepped forwards, so that he was right in front of me.
“So we meet again.” He chuckled, his face as bright and beautiful as it ever been.
“Your wish was my command.” I smiled.
William held my hands and bent down and kissed my lips just how I remembered.
He pulled away, and smiled down at me.
“So this is death?” I sighed, looking around. It looked just like life, god dammit.
“This is basically the waiting room to hell. Judging by marks on your skin,” he looked down at my arm, covered in white, clear markings, “you’re in the wrong place. The road to Heaven’s the other way. It was nice seeing you, though.” He sighed, I could hear his disappointment.
“No, no, no. I’m going with you.” I laughed, walking over to the group of my former friends.
“No darling, you can’t do that. We’d kill for a shot at the big place. Go, its what you deserve.” He encouraged me, turning my body around and pushing me towards a different group of people.
“No, remember when we were five? I had promised you that I would follow you into the dark. That place you’re about to go has no light, therefore, I’m coming with you.” I argued, how the hell did I deserve a place in Heaven?
“I can’t let you do that.” His lips were in a straight line, as serious as can be.
“William, we’re going to do this together, no matter what you say.” I said, matching his seriousness.
He sighed, “Alright”
We burned brighter than any other of those fuckers.
I had finished paying my dues for all the times I had sinner.
There was going to be no more suffering.
It was over.
For once in my existence, I was content.
Caro : 1
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This concludes ‘life is but a dream for the dead’
I’m sorry this chapter sucked this was the worst ending I could of brought together
But I made my point
I could update everyday of the week if I wanted to
Okay well, thank you darlings for reading my story :)
You’re all beautiful
Til next time