Bang bang that awful sound. Bang bang, my baby shot me down...
I was five and he was six
We rode on horses made of sticks
He wore black and I wore white
He would always win the fight.
My mind went back to when were just children. So innocent, so carefree. The world wasn’t so ugly as it was now. It wasn’t selfish, degrading, and raging with hate; like it seemed to be now. There was never any tension between the two of us. We were just happy to be alive. I’ll always remember us trading our lunches. I would give him my pudding snack, and in exchange he would give me his Oreo cookies. That was when our friendship had started, and not a day goes by I don’t wish we were back to where we started from. When things were easy…
Bang bang, he shot me down
Bang bang, I hit the ground
Bang bang, that awful sound
Bang bang, my baby shot me down.
“I got you Tara!” he would cheer as I pretended to fall to the floor and giggle as he tried to wake me up from my pretend coma. I would smile and he would tickle me until I surrendered to his ways.
“You’re my best friend Tara.” he would tell me when we finished our game. We would hug each other before I had to head home before the streetlights came on.
I would reply as I looked into his chocolate, almost hazel eyes and every time I did, I knew I would always surrender to him…there was nothing like him. He was everything I ever wanted in a friend…
Seasons came and changed the time
When I grew up, I called him mine
He would always laugh and say
"Remember when we used to play?"
I would just shake my head at the thought. I would tell him how silly he was back then and he would only grin before he would kiss me. I would savor the sweet soft taste of his lips as we sat under the willow tree. The place where we first started our little games as children, and then now where we were, our teens. Our friendship had blossomed into so much more and I appreciated every single moment of it. He wasn’t my best friend, he was my lover and everything in between. He was my protector, he was my back bone. He was there when my parents weren’t, and in his arms, is where I promised myself I would always be in…at least that’s how I imagined it to be.
Bang bang, I shot you down
Bang bang, you hit the ground
Bang bang, that awful sound
Bang bang, I used to shoot you down..
Music played, and people sang
Just for me, the church bells rang.
It was like everything I had ever wanted had come true. I was staring at him from the end of the church aisle while he waited for me. He was smiling at me while I did my best to cry. He looked like an angel and I never more felt more happy as I tried to move quicker to him. Everything I did had revolved around him, I couldn’t picture myself without him. Everyone was well aware our of love for each other, and they knew very well nothing could break us apart…
Now he's gone, I don't know why
And till this day, sometimes I cry
He didn't even say goodbye
He didn't take the time to lie.
I tensed at the sound of glass shattering that had been thrown in his hands. His eyes were cold and cruel, and I did not recognize him. I was afraid to even move the slightest, for I was afraid to upset him more. That’s all I ever seem to do him and I never understood why. He was changing in many ways, his moods were shifting back and forth like a pendulum. I was scared for him, but when he held me in his arms and apologized for what he did, my worries would fade away. He was just upset about his brother and his career, it was simply stress, it would go away. I knew deep down he loved me…
I was foolish to believe that he would ever change. Go back to the way he was once was. There’s was always something inside me that made me stay. Made me love him, throughout the good and bad, even the times I felt his fists collide with my skin, I had endured. The bruises on my olive skin, the wounds on my heart.
It’s just a phase, he won’t be like this forever. I would whisper to myself, long after he was gone. Leaving me alone on the cold wooden floor, gazing out into absolute nothingness. That was when I would go back to my childhood. When he would chase me around the oak tree, until we would fall on the ground in a fit of giggles. I did my best not to show my tears as I longed for those days back. The days when we loved each other peacefully and no words had to be spoken, because we always knew what were thinking.
No matter how hard I tried to please him, be good to him, love him; it was never enough. He wasn’t the boy I once knew. The boy who would try to fight for me when I was picked on, even though he wasn’t exactly the tallest and strongest kid. He still did it for me as I would do for him. He never shared his candy like he used to. He never try to make me laugh or smile when I was sad. No, he was not the same person I loved, but even with this realization, I knew I still couldn’t leave him. Cause even if he had changed, he was still the best friend I made a promise to…I would have to stick it out just like I vowed to.
I could’ve left. I could’ve ran from him. I could’ve screamed for help, but I couldn’t move my body. I could’ve walked out the front door a long time ago, but something always stopped me. I was stupid, I was weak, I was a coward, and I realized that. I was so scared of what would happen if I ever did leave. His chocolate hazel eyes were all I could think about. They taunted me until I would wake up gasping at night. I had no idea why I would allow myself to be treated this way. I deserved much better…so much better…didn’t I?
Maybe if I did, I wouldn’t be standing here right now. Tears in my eyes as I watched him walk slowly to me. My body exhausted from the pain he put upon moments before. I started to cry when I saw him lift his hand. He showed no expression, and that was I feared the most.
“Please don’t.” I whispered to him as he only lifted his hand higher.
“I’m sorry baby.” he whispered back as I heard that loud agonizing awful sound as I felt the sudden pain hit my chest. I stumbled slightly, before my body became to heavy to support and I collided with the floor. I felt my head hit the cool familiar wooden floor as my mind flashed before me. I went right back to moment I pretended to fall when he shot me.
“I got you!” his childish laugh would make me smile as I surrender to him.
It was sad to know that I really did surrender to him. That the man I loved with every ounce of my soul, had did this to me. It wasn’t a game anymore, it was real.
I felt my eyelids start to droop, my breathing stopping slowly. He watched me with every movement I made, and I swore I saw tears in his eyes. I was never fully sure, but if he had cried for me, I was sure he was thinking the same thing I was. Our childhood game had become a reality.
I let the darkness start to take me over. I had given up trying to fight a long time ago. I figured this to be my punishment for staying as long as I did. Letting it go as far as I did. But in a shockingly sense, I don’t regret what happened. I don’t regret falling in love with my best friend that I once knew. The boy who pretended to shoot me down. The man who really did shoot me down.
“My Mikey.” I whispered to him before everything had completely shut down…
Bang bang, he shot me down.
Bang bang, I hit the ground.
Bang bang, that awful sound.
Bang bang, my baby shot me down...