I had no left his side once I fear if I did then it would be the last I saw him, I keep thinking if I leave he may die I could never talk to him again. I have no slept in days I cannot close my eyes he may wake up I want to be the first one he sees. I should have known something would happen I could tell by the way his voice was the last time we talk that something was wrong.
Gerard had not eaten in three days his body finally gave up the doctors was lucky enough to find in just in time if the doctors would have waited a little bit longer he would have died. I keep blaming myself I have been so warp up in myself trying to get better I not once made sure how Gerard was doing. I look at him laying there he looks so peaceful his skin was still pale just like always, but you could see his bones threw his skin. He look beyond thin every time I hug him I could feel his ribs.
“I’m still here waiting for you to wake up. I know you are going to wake up you cannot leave me here, “I whisper to him while trying not to cry.
The doctors said I should talk to him as if he was wake that sometimes it helps it lets them know you are here with theme even though sometimes they might not hear you. I would talk to him anyway I would not care I know deep down he can hear every word I say.
“I want to tell you that I love you, I know I said I did not know if I loved you but I do now. I am sorry it took me until now to realize that I did, seeing you laying in your bed lifeless scared me even seeing you now scares me. I am so sorry that I have been warp up in myself that I not once ask if every thing was all right with you, I hate myself for that. I just want you to know I am here with you and I will always be, and I hope you wake up soon, “I said while looking at him.
I felt a little better talking to him I just wish he would wake up in the back of my mind I fear that he may not wake up but I try so hard to push that thought out that he will wake up. If I could go back to that day when we last talk I would have ask him if anything was wrong, if he had eaten I just cannot believe I did not see this coming.
I try so hard to stop the tears from falling but I cannot stop them it breaks me to see him like this, to know one day we were talking out on the sundeck then suddenly his at the hospital on life support fighting for his life.
“I do not know if you can hear me or not I think you can hear me, I want you to wake up. I need you hear with me I need you so I can whole again without you here I feel lost I feel numb, I never realize how much you really mean to me. I never saw myself falling in love I always thought love was for everybody else besides me I never wanted to be in love. When you can along that, all change, I feel in love and I do not regret any minute of it. Because of you I smile a little more, I laugh a little more. You have became my world, I do not care what anyone else thinks I know I love you and I never plan on telling you go, “ I said while the tears came down my face.
I kept holding onto his hand I just wanted to let him know I was here that I was not leaving him. I just wanted him to wake up so I could see his beautiful hazel eyes that I love so much; I just wanted to hear his voice. While I was holding his hand, I swear I felt him squeeze back.
Wow..Im so sorry for the long wait. I forgot I had this story. If anyone still wants to read it please remind me to update.