Gerard feels as if he can't meet the expectations that others set for him.
Since I was young, I have been deemed as an intellect. And because of it, others have had high hopes for my future. I was to be something great, not the failure in which I am today. I was to bring good into this world through my supposed intelligence, not add to the evil as I do now. I was to meet their high expectations, not fall short of the goal such as I do nowadays.
But I feel as if others have set too high of expectations for me. There is constant pressure on my part not to fail. I am consistently overwhelmed with the amount of effort that I must put forth to please those around me. Nearly everything in which I do serves the purpose of meeting these expectations.
And even so, I cannot help but to feel as if I continue to disappoint everyone. Nothing that I do seems to satisfy the demands of others. No effort is great enough. No thought is intelligent enough. I can never be the one that everyone expects.
And when I fail others, I fail myself. The guilt is heavy in my chest, and it does not ease with time. It remains there, a constant reminder that without my alleged intelligence I am without value. So perhaps others expect such a great amount of this intelligence because they too are aware that I have nothing more to offer.
But nonetheless, I would rather be told that I am worthless, that I am dumb. Because then I may be able to release the burden that others have placed upon me. I would not have to attempt to live up to what those around me desire. I could be myself. And I could be satisfied, for never again would I have to face another failure of not meeting the high expectations of others.