‘What? What? What?’ Quinn had been repeating for the last two minutes.
‘Quinn! Stop asking what!’ I yelled at him. I didn’t want to tell him what I was thinking. I didn’t.
‘I will if you tell me what.’ He smiled at me.
‘I don’t want to… It would ruin things for Jeph and I. I just can’t hurt him.’ I told Quinn.
‘You can’t deny your feelings. You’ll never be happy. Now, what?’ Quinn asked again.
‘Quinn, I don’t love you, leave me alone.’ I said looking away from him. I was about to run away, but I couldn’t run away from him.
‘Lilly, if you look me in the eyes and tell me that, I’ll leave you alone.’ Quinn sighed.
I looked Quinn in the eyes, ‘I-I, I can’t do it..’
‘So, what does that mean?’ Quinn questioned, satisfied.
‘Nothing, it means nothing!’ I exclaimed.
‘Yes it does,’ He prodded me, ‘Otherwise you would want me to leave you alone.’
‘Well, leave me alone then! I don’t… Damn it Quinn!’ I said.
‘What Lilly,’ Quinn pulled me towards him, ‘You don’t what?’
‘Quinn you are making this hard for me… You cheated on me… I can’t love you… But. Fuck.’ I threw my hands in the air.
‘People make mistakes.’ Quinn explained.
‘Some mistakes weren’t meant to be forgiven though.’ I told him.
‘Well, if you don’t want me around, then say so.’ Quinn looked at me.
‘That’s my problem, I want you around…’ I mumbled.
‘What was that?’ Quinn smiled trying to lighten the mood.
‘Stop it, I’m still in-’ I couldn’t say it, not while I was with Jeph. I don’t want to hurt Jeph again, but I don’t want to hurt Quinn either.
‘Ok Lilly, I’m sorry.’ Quinn said, obviously giving up.
‘It’s ok. I forgave you a while ago.’ I said looking at the ground.
‘Really?’ Quinn asked with a hint of hope in his voice.
‘Yeah. I shouldn’t, but I can’t help it. I have a feeling that things with Jeph and I are never going to be, and it’s all because of you.’ I said pointing at him.
‘I told you I complicate things.’ Quinn sighed.
‘No, you don’t… I do, mostly because I still love you.’ I admitted.
‘You do?’ Quinn asked, then grinned.
‘Yes. I’ve been denying it… I still want to deny it, but it’s too hard…’ I stared down at my feet.
‘Well, you shouldn’t deny it.’ He told me.
‘But, I’m engaged to Jeph!’ I said.
Quinn looked away from me and then back, ‘Yeah, I know. So I guess there will never be an ‘us’ again, right?’
‘I don’t know… Sorry, I need to go. See you.’ I told him and began walking away. I was getting farther away when the rain suddenly stopped and I heard a high pitched girly voice singing Avril Lavigne’s ‘When You’re Gone’ and realized it was Quinn.
‘I’ve never felt this way before, everything that I do reminds me of you…’
‘…Quinn…’ I sighed as I turned toward him.
‘I love you.’ Quinn came face to face with me.
‘I-I love you too.’ I finally said to him. I had to go find Jeph though. I tried turning around to leave but Quinn stopped me and pulled me toward him into a passionate kiss. I almost gave in, but realized that I was engaged to Jeph, and that I love him. ‘I can’t Quinn. I’m sorry.’
‘Lilly.’ Quinn pleaded.
‘No, Quinn. I can’t hurt Jeph again.’ I told him and walked past him back to the busses. When I got back I went to see if Jeph was on his bus. Branden and Bert were the only people on the bus when I got there.
‘Oh my-Oh my god! Lilly!’ Branden shrieked and jumped on me.
‘Hey.’ I said amused.
‘You should make pancakes for everyone like you used to!’ He exclaimed.
‘Ugh, Quinn was the one obsessed with them.’ I sighed sitting on the couch.
‘I liked yo’ pancakes!’ Branden said trying to be gangster and failing at it.
I laughed and said, ‘Thanks. I’m just not in the greatest of moods right now.’
‘What’s wrong?’ Bert asked looking over the top of the fridge door at me.
‘Quinn.’ I said.
‘Ohh…what happened?’ Bert opened a can of pop and sat next to me.
‘What didn’t happen. He just doesn’t understand that I’m engaged to Jeph.’ I told him.
Bert almost choked on a drink of his pop and said, ‘You’re engaged to him again?!’
‘Yeah…I don’t know what to do. I love him, but I-I love Quinn too.’ I confessed. When nobody said anything I looked up and saw Jeph standing in the middle of the room looking at me like he couldn’t believe what he just heard. ‘Jeph…’
‘You know, you shouldn’t be afraid to break my heart. It’s been done before.’ He said looking straight at me.
‘No Jeph! I don’t know what I was thinking, I’m so sorry. I love you.’ I explained.
‘Are you sure about that? I’d like to know the truth than be lied to. Don’t think you have to love me, even though I love you.’ Jeph said.
‘I do love you. I told you I’d marry you!’ I exclaimed.
‘Yes, but you’ve said that before. Quinn always seems to get to you at the last minute.’ Jeph didn’t move from where he was. I felt so bad. I don’t deserve him.
‘But I mean it this time. I don’t know why Quinn gets to me, but I won’t let it happen again.’ I promised.
‘You don’t know if it’ll happen again. You just said yourself that you still love him.’ Jeph sighed. I didn’t say anything, because I knew he would have something to say that would prove me wrong again. So I sat there and looked at him and thought of everything that’s happened since I’ve been here. I met Livvy at a coffee shop in Los Angeles and took her to Reprise Recording Studio. My brother Sonny had business with Bert so we went to their studio and that’s when I met everyone. They all seemed so happy. And now, when I look around, things are so messed up and I can’t help but think that it’s my fault.
‘I’m sorry, for everything.’ I said and walked off the bus. I kept to myself as I walked past the rest of the busses. A few people here and there waved and said hi to me, but all I did was glance at them. I didn’t say goodbye to anyone, I just walked out of the Warped Tour gates, went to my car, and drove home. After listening to a few songs by Avril Lavigne and crying as I drove, I was parked in my driveway.
I walked inside my house determined to leave as fast as I could, if only for a night. I walked past the kitchen and looked at it, remembering all the times I made pancakes for everyone. I kept walking until I got to my room, packed a bag full of stuff and left. I looked at the clock in my car, 9:38pm, Warped Tour just ended.
I finally found Sonny just as Warped Tour had ended. Everything seemed to be clearing out. I guess this would be the last time I would see him for a while.
Sonny had been standing around his bus when I walked up to him, ‘Hey.’ I smiled at him.
‘Hey Livvy.’ Sonny smiled back, ‘We have to go really soon.’
‘I’m going to miss you so much.’ I said hugging him tightly.
‘Yeah, me too. But, we’re not leaving yet.’ He said.
‘I know-’ I started.
‘Let’s go somewhere more private.’ Sonny smirked at me.
‘Ok.’ I replied. He grabbed my hand and started walking in a bunch of different directions before deciding on where we were going to stop. When we did stop, it was at the park nearby.
‘Livvy, I just wanted to spend some time alone with you before we leave.’ Sonny said.
‘Mhmm.’ I smiled.
‘Want to swing?’ He asked me.
‘Of course.’ I said and ran to the swings. Sonny was close behind me. As soon as I was on the swing, he started pushing me. I didn’t want to bring up what I was thinking, but I wanted to make things right before he left.
‘Sonny…’ I started.
‘Yes?’ He asked me.
‘I’m sorry, about the whole Bert thing. Are you mad at me?’ I wondered.
‘No, I’m not mad. I mean before I was a bit mad, but I got over it. I knew if I stayed mad, I probably would have lost you to him. So, it’s ok.’ He said giving me another push.
‘It was a mistake, and I’m sorry. I feel really bad.’ I told him.
‘Well, will this make you feel better?’ He stopped me from swinging and began kissing me.
‘Sonny, that’s a stupid question.’ I smiled and kissed him again.
‘I know. It was silly. I love you.’ He smiled back.
‘I love you too.’ I finally told him and looked up at him. He wrapped his arms around me and hugged me. ‘I don’t want you to leave.’
‘You know I don’t either, but I’m going to have to go. I’m the singer. If I wasn’t, I would stay here with you.’ He said, ‘I’ll miss you.’
‘Oh but they can totally find another singer,’ I joked with him, ‘I’ll miss you too.’
‘I wish they could. We should probably go back, they’ll be leaving soon.’ He said and grabbed my hand once again.
‘Of course.’ I agreed. When we got close to the venue, busses could be heard pulling away. I was really dreading saying goodbye.
‘I guess I should hurry. I love you so much. I’ll call you later on ok?’ He smiled.
‘I love you too, I’m gonna go find Jeph. Bye.’ I smiled back hugging him once more and turned around to find my brother. It wasn’t hard to find him since he was standing about three busses away screaming goodbyes at random people.
‘HEY! HEY YOU! Yeah, you!’ He yelled at someone leaving and when they looked at him he finished, ‘Bye!’ He grinned waving.
‘You’re so gay, I love you.’ I laughed at him.
‘Thank you, I fucking love you too sis.’ He laughed along with me, ‘Have you seen Lilly?’
‘No actually. I haven’t seen her for more than an hour. Why?’ I said.
‘Well some shit happened earlier… I just hope she’s going to be ok. She didn’t seem alright when she walked off the bus. I’m just worried. I’ll see you later on though sis.’ He smiled.
‘Hey, don’t give me that shit.’ I smiled back and attacked him with a bear hug, ‘I’m gonna miss you the pretty much most!’
‘Haha, you’ll miss Sonny more than me. But, I’ll miss you too. I have to go now, they started the bus.’ He hugged me and turned to walk on the bus.
‘BYE!’ I yelled and turned around. I looked around the venue and realized everyone had left. The Used’s bus pulled out of the parking lot and it was completely empty. I walked out of the gates and went to look for Lilly. I walked to where we parked this morning, which seemed like forever ago, and saw that it was gone.
‘Shit..’ I mumbled. I kept walking, in the direction of Lilly’s house. I pulled out of cell phone and decided to call her. It rang four times before she picked up.
‘Hello?’ She said.
‘Lilly, hey! Where’d you go?’ I asked her.
‘I had to leave that place, my house is unlocked. You can stay there as long as you’d like to. I won’t be there though.’ She said to me.
‘Thanks but, why won’t you be there? Where are you going?’ I asked concerned.
‘I don’t want to cause anymore trouble with everyone. I don’t know exactly where I’m going, but I just had to leave Cali. I was thinking about the other coast.’ She told me.
‘What?!’ I exclaimed, and received a weird look from someone walking down the street, ‘You aren’t causing trouble. Get your ass back here, now.’
‘No! I’ve caused problems for Jeph and Quinn. Plus, I had you tell Bert you liked him and things didn’t work out with you. So it’s my fault that everything bad has happened. I just can’t hurt Quinn and Jeph anymore.’ She explained.
‘They left. And you’re wrong. You’re like, the only girl I’ve ever seen that’s made Jeph this happy. And it’s not your fault that you have feelings for both of them. It’s also not your fault that Bert was an ass. I wouldn’t be dating Sonny right now if it weren’t for you.’ I told her.
‘I might have made Jeph happy before, but now he knows that I still have feelings for Quinn and he is doubting me. Fine, it’s not all my fault, but I feel like it is.’ She said.
‘Jeph is worried about you. Please come back. We can hang out until they get back from touring. We never really get to just hang out without the guys. We can go get ice creams or something.’ I laughed hoping she would agree.
‘I don’t know. I’m actually by the ocean. I’d like to hang out, but I don’t want to see Jeph or Quinn ever again. Damn it, why do I have to like them both. I hate this so much.’ I could hear her crying.
‘Don’t say that. Just please come back. I wish things would be like old times, when there weren’t so many problems. You’ll have to see them again. Aren’t you and Jeph still engaged?’ I asked her.
‘As far as I know, yes we are. Alright, fine. I’ll come back. But I have a feeling that when they get back, I’ll end up running away… I don’t know why. Maybe it’s because that’s what I’ve always done…’ She said.
‘No, you won’t. You can’t run away from this, both of them love you.’ I said.
‘That’s the problem though, they both love me. Why can’t just one of them love me? I could get over one of them faster that way.’ She explained.
‘Ok, you’ve been engaged to Jeph twice. The first time you left him for Quinn, and he’s getting to you again. You should think about that. I’ll see you in twenty minutes ok?’ I set my bags in the same room I had before when I walked into Lilly’s house.
‘Yeah, fine. See you later.’ She said, ‘Well, it might be more than twenty minutes. I’m going to sit by the water and just think.’
‘Alright alright, thirty.’ I laughed and hung up the phone.
After talking with Livvy, that really had me thinking. But it didn’t help me with what I was really going to do. I want to stay with Jeph, but I wanted to be with Quinn at the same time. I was completely a mess. No matter what I do, I will be hurting one of them. Or, I could tell both of them that I don’t want them and be done with it all… But, I don’t think that would work. I know Quinn would come to me. Jeph might too. I was watching the water when everything was clear to me, I love Quinn. I love him more than anything. I didn’t know how I was going to tell Jeph though. This is horrible. I decided to leave and go home. It took about fifteen minutes to get there, and when I walked in I saw a very bored looking Livvy sitting on the couch.
‘Hey!’ I said to her.
‘Hey!’ She exclaimed looking up at me happily.
‘Let’s go do something.’ I suggested to her.
‘Alright. What do you want to do?’ She asked me getting up off the couch and walking towards me.
‘I want to go to the club and dance.’ I smiled at her.
‘Sweet. I’m pumped!’ She joked and grabbed my arm as we walked outside and to my car. We hopped into the car and I began to drive to my favorite club, Underground. It only took five minutes to get there. I got out of the car first and started to walk in when Livvy yelled at me, ‘HEY WAIT FOR ME BIOTCH!’
‘Haha, ok.’ I laughed and waited. We were both inside in no time. I swear we danced the whole night. It seemed as if it was just a carefree night. I just wish it could be like that all the time. It was around three in the morning when we finally got home and crashed.
2 months later.
Things were fun with just Livvy and I. We didn’t talk about the guys all that much. We enjoyed hanging out. We went to the club a lot, which was fun. But I knew that today everyone was coming back. I think The Used were coming here too. I didn’t know what I was going to say to Jeph. I hadn’t called either of them at all. Livvy spent a lot of time talking to Sonny. The last hour Livvy and I got to spend together we spent making pancakes for the guys. I tried teaching her how to make them, and she didn’t do too bad. We heard the door open and Quinn talking to himself.
‘Do I smell something? Smells like, oh my god, PANCAKES!’ As soon as I heard him yell that, I wanted to hug him, but I couldn’t. I still had to tell Jeph how I feel. Everyone started to gather around the table and took all the pancakes that they wanted. Quinn took five of them. I stared at him. I think that he noticed, because he was staring back at me. It was silent as everyone ate.
‘They’re really delicious. Thanks Lilly.’ Quinn smiled at me and stuffed his face.
‘Livvy helped me make them.’ I told him.
‘Nu-uh! High five Livvy!’ Quinn high-fived her. I looked over at Jeph and decided I had better get this over with.
‘Jeph, can I talk to you?’ I asked him.
‘What? Yeah sure.’ He answered getting up.
We walked outside, ‘I’m sorry. I’ve made up my mind. I-I decided that I…’ I almost couldn’t do it. It was so hard to say this.
‘What is it? It’s ok.’ Jeph said moving toward me and putting my hair behind my ear.
‘It’s Quinn… I love him.’ I blurted. I started to cry and fell to the ground.
Jeph pulled his hand away and looked at me, ‘You’re not serious, are you?’ He asked, his voice starting to crack.
‘I think I am, and I’m so sorry. I don’t want to do this to you.’ I cried.
‘Well you are. But I’ll just have to get over this, as long as you’re happy.’ Jeph reassured me helping me up off the ground.
‘I’m still so sorry. I’ve hurt you. I’m just hoping this is all worth it and that I’m not making a mistake.’ I said still crying.
‘I want you to know that I do still love you. And you can come to me whenever you need to.’ He told me.
‘Are you sure? Won’t it hurt more to see me, when you know we can’t be?’ I asked him.
‘Of course it will hurt. But I’d rather have you in my life as just a friend than not in it at all.’ He said.
‘Oh my, Jeph. You’re going to make me cry even more. I love you, but not the way I thought I did, but who knows. That might change over time…’ I said.
‘And if it does, I’ll be waiting for you.’ He smiled at me.
‘Thank you.’ I smiled back and hugged him.
‘Don’t worry about it.’ He said, even though I knew I was going to. After we hugged we walked back inside. I wasn’t sure if I should tell Quinn right now or not. I just hoped that he didn’t find anyone else while they were on tour.
‘Yeah I know. I miss you too. No no, I’ll see you soon, ok? Ok. Bye.’ Quinn was talking on his phone and just hung up when I walked inside after Jeph. I hoped that was just a relative and not a girlfriend.
‘…maybe you should talk to him…’ Jeph whispered in my ear. I shook my head and walked over to Quinn.
‘Quinn, may I talk to you?’ I asked him.
‘Oh yeah, sure thing!’ He smiled at me and we went to my room, ‘What’s up?’ He asked after plopping down on my bed.
‘I wanted to know if you still feel the same way about me, do you?’ I asked.
Quinn looked around the room a minute and looked back at me, ‘I’m sorry. I have a girlfriend.’
‘Fuck, I knew this would happen. I left Jeph for you and you have a fucking girlfriend.’ I exclaimed, ‘I knew I should have just left things alone, but I can’t. I love you Quinn.’
Quinn was looking at me wide-eyed after I said that, ‘No you didn’t.’ He said simply.
‘I did. I just did Quinn, I just fucking did.’ I told him.
‘I-I’m sorry. I don’t know what to do.’ Quinn sighed, ‘I do still have feelings for you.’
‘Whatever Quinn. I broke Jeph’s heart for you. Maybe doing that was a mistake. I should have never thought to give you another chance.’ I said and stood up to leave my room.
‘Lilly! Please don’t say that. I’m sorry!’ Quinn yelled after me.
‘I said it. I love you Quinn, but you don’t seem to feel the same, so why am I even bothering with you? I should just get back with Jeph. Tell him things did not work with us. You know, you could leave your girlfriend to be with me. I know you won’t though… fuck it. I’m leaving.’ I said and walked out of the room. I began walking outside.
‘You think all my fucking feelings went away for you? You’ve been playing a game with Jeph and I, and now that I’ve found someone you’re pissed. You’re pissed because you only have one option now, and that’s Jeph. I love you. But I can’t just leave my girlfriend for no reason, I know what it’s like to have your heart broken.’ Quinn shouted to me from the front door and went back inside. I wanted to shout back to him, but instead I started up the car and began driving away to the beach.
After hearing all the yelling from Lilly and Quinn, everyone starting eating their pancakes again. And Quinn joined the table once more. Everyone felt a little uneasy sitting by the angry Quinn. It looked like he was going to blow up at any moment.
‘Where’s Lilly?’ Jeph asked breaking the silence.
‘I don’t know. She left.’ Quinn mumbled between chewing.
‘Why did she leave? Was it because of you?’ Jeph asked.
‘Damn it, why is everyone on my back all of a sudden? Fuck all of you.’ Quinn shouted.
‘Dude, it was just a question.’ Jeph said as Quinn left the table.
‘Don’t worry Jeph, I’m sure she’s here somewhere…’ I reassured my brother. She couldn’t of left town, could she? Well, I had to figure out my own problems. I had a feeling that Sonny and I wouldn’t last much longer, due to Bert. I really have to work on this. Every time I see Bert, I get all mushy inside. I don’t want to, but it just happens. I really know how Lilly feels now. I’m almost torn between two guys. I just don’t express it like she did. Wait, I think she figured out that she loves Quinn, but he gave her the boot. That sucks. There isn’t much I can do to help her. When everyone had finished eating they instantly left the table in search of something to do. I followed Sonny. He’s been acting a bit strange, and I was on a mission to find out why.
‘Sonny…’ I half whispered, half yelled, ‘Sonny!’
‘Huh? Oh, hey Livvy.’ He smiled as he turned around.
‘Why have you been acting so weird?’ I asked.
‘I don’t think I’ve been acting weird, why?’ He said.
‘Uh, well you haven’t said a word to me, and you are worrying me.’ I told him.
‘I’m sorry. Well, I’m talking to you now. Does that make you feel any better?’ He smirked.
‘No… well yes and no. I want to know where this is going, where we are going?’ I said.
‘I don’t understand.’
‘Our relationship.’ I stated.
‘Oh, I have no idea. All we can do is wait and find out.’ He smiled and kissed me on the cheek. I blushed a little bit when he did that.
‘Well, I want us to last… But-’ I began.
‘But what? There shouldn’t be a but.’ He stared at me.
‘But… I have a feeling we won’t last much longer.’ I finally told him.
‘Why? Why wouldn’t we?’
‘Because of me and my stupid feelings I’ve been having lately for Bert.’ I said sadly. I truly haven’t been wanting these feelings, but they are hard to ignore.
‘Oh, I see. Well, do you want to act on these feelings? If you do, it’s ok. I’ll be here for you.’ He smiled. I didn’t want to hurt him, but I had a feeling that I was going to in the end.
‘No, I don’t know if I do or not.’
‘You better decide. Do you want to stay with me, or give him another chance?’ Sonny asked me. That was a hard decision to make. I really wanted to give Bert another chance, but if things didn’t work out, would I still love Sonny?
‘I want to give him another-’ I didn’t get the chance to finish my sentence when Sonny started talking.
‘Ok, well… Just so you know, I’ll always be here for you. I love you. Let’s just stay friends for now though.’ He smiled and walked away. I felt angry and sad, angry because I didn’t get to finish what I was going to say and sad because, well, I don’t have Sonny anymore. I felt horrible about telling him everything, but I guess it’s better that I told him, rather than lie to myself. I was going to go find Bert when I bumped into Jeph.
‘Sorry.’ I mumbled.
‘Aw, don’t worry about it. Why are you so blue sis?’ Jeph asked me.
‘Sonny and I broke up, and it was all my fault. Stupid Bert.’ I stated.
‘What about Bert?’
‘I still like him, and I was telling Sonny that. He guessed that I wanted to give Bert another chance, and I said that I did. But, he didn’t let me finish my sentence. I wanted to tell him that I wanted to give Bert another chance, but I didn’t want to lose him.’ I tried to say in one breath, ‘I lost him anyway.’
‘I know how you feel.’
‘Yeah. It’s just really hard, you know?’ I began to cry. ‘I haven’t been hurt this badly in a while.’ Jeph just hugged me and patted me on the head. He was just being my brother.
‘I love you sis.’ He laughed.
‘Love you too. Why are you laughing?’
‘I have no idea.’ He said as I joined in on his laughter. I noticed that it was getting late when I saw Jeph yawning. He told me it was almost midnight. I needed some sleep, but I was still a bit worried about Lilly. I wanted to make sure she was ok. I guess I just have to wait until morning though.
‘I’m off to bed. Night bro.’ I smiled and went to my room, locked the door and fell asleep.
I must have fallen asleep before everyone else, because when I woke up everyone else was still asleep. I wonder what they did last night. Nevermind. I looked out the window and saw that Lilly had just pulled up to the house. Was she gone all night? I saw her just sit in the car instead of coming inside. I wouldn’t want to come inside either after what happened last night. I almost wanted to go out there, but I couldn’t. Everything that happened was none of my business anyway. I left the window to find something to eat in the kitchen. I knew she wouldn’t come inside anytime soon.