Categories > Games > Tekken0 Reviews
Tekken/Mortal Kombat crossover. Part of the TBZ series. The name says it all. Scorpion is hosting a cooking show while Kazuya is finishing his christmas shoping
I own nothing except for the plot of this story
Rated M for Language
Christmas cooking with Scorpion
December the twenty-forth had managed to creep up again and the streets of west city were littered with last minute Christmas shoppers who neglected to buy gifts earlier in the year for reasons they themselves don't understand. However there was one who stood out above all the rest. A Shirai Ryu ninja walked through the snowy streets, he was not here for the same reason as all the others. He was here only because his clan required supplies, Food being the most obvious.
It had been ten months since Quan-Chi was destroyed and the Shirai Ryu clan was resurrected however they were still only at a fraction of their former strength.
"Hanzo. What the hell are you doing here?"
Scorpion turned around and saw Kazuya in a purple suit
"Just buying some supplies they don't have in Japan" Scorpion replied
"I see. What are you looking for?"
Scorpion pulled a letter out of his pocket and handed it to Kazuya
"Just how much do you have?" Kazuya asked
"About two-thousand" Scorpion responded
"Two-thousand. There is way too much shit here to get it for two-thousand Zeni"
"Fuck, how much do I need?"
"Probably around ten thousand I'm guessing"
"Ten-thousand. Any idea where I could get that kind of money?" Scorpion asked
"Yeah, if you are willing to work at least"
"Depends on what you mean by work"
"Anything" The two walked towards a notice board, "If ever there is a job opening it is posted here"
"Is this really all there is. The pay is pathetic" Scorpion stated
"You can't expect much with the economy the way it is" Kazuya replied, "But the power crisis and inflation doesn't stop the dumb fucks from spending everything they have on gifts"
"Gifts? Why the hell are people buying gifts?"
"Some holiday called Christmas that celebrates some guy being born in a barn"
"So where did the gift giving come from?" Scorpion asked
"Three old bastards came along and gave him things"
"So why the fuck did they make a public holiday of it"
"Fuck if I know. All I know is that it became commercial somewhere along the line"
"Is that why there are so many assholes here?"
"Yeah probably, I'm here for practically the same reason so I can't really talk
"I'm here because Jun celebrates this holiday" Kazuya stated, "And going around all the shops I noticed something. There is a fat old guy in every store who wants kids to sit on his knee and asks if they have been naughty or nice. It's like a secret underground society of paedophiles"
"And where are the parents when this happening?"
"That's the thing; at least fifty percent of the time it's the fucking mother's idea. Then a midget in green takes a picture and gives it to them as if the experience wasn't traumatizing enough"
"What do you expect, people are retarded" Scorpion said as he pulled the one decent paying job off the notice board
"What is that one for?" Kazuya asked
"Looks like a one-time one-cook cooking show over at studio five"
"Okay I'll meet you over there once I'm done"
"What do you still have to get?"
"Jun still wants a gift for Law, Paul, Jin, Jay and there new infant, Johnny cage, Bruce, Goku, Goten and Asuka"
"Right, see you later" Scorpion said before he walked towards the studio
It wasn't a very long walk even with all the stressed out shoppers moving at the speed of snails. Scorpion walked into the studio and took the stairs to the tenth floor as instructed on the form, on arrival he walked towards a receptionist
"May I help you?" The receptionist asked
"I'm here for the fucking job interview" Scorpion replied
"You will have to take a number"
Scorpion turned towards a dispenser and took a small piece of paper
"Number one-hundred and twenty-eight" Scorpion then looked at a monitor above him, "Now serving number nine"
"Fuck!" Scorpion exclaimed
"Let's see, Law is a chef. Chefs cook. Ah fuck it" Kazuya walked towards the sea food counter, "Give me a tuna fish"
"That'll be six-hundred Zeni"
Kazuya handed the money to the salesman before pulling out a list and making a mark next to Law's name
Jin, Jay, Jon
After buying Law's gift, Kazuya moved down the dry food isle. He saw pasta as will as what he was looking for, white rice
"Goku is always stuffing his face, this will do" Kazuya grabbed the packet and through it into the basket and signed Goku off
Jin, Jay, Jon
"Mommy mommy I want this" A child stated holding a toy as it ran towards a woman
"Maybe if you're a good little boy Santa will give it to you" The lady replied
Kazuya overheard this, "The old bastards sneak into their rooms as well? Why the hell are they so happy about that?"
Then he saw it, a packet of disposable dippers
"Good enough" Kazuya said as he put them into the basket and signed them off
X Jin, Jay, Jon
Kazuya continued to walk down the isle and through the store. After a while he went through the red door labelled R18, this led to a completely different store which sheared the same wall. It was an exotic relationship store. Kazuya browsed the shop for several minutes; they sold everything you could think of from exotic cakes to kinky leather. As he browsed the shop he came across a kit containing whips, leather, handcuffs, the works
"Hey, how much is this?" Kazuya asked the shopkeeper
"Twenty-seven hundred Zeni" The shopkeeper replied, "So, trying to spice up your love life are you?"
"No, it's for someone else" Kazuya handed the money over to the shopkeeper and marked it off his list
X Jin, Jay, Jon
Kazuya returned to the grocery store once he put his list back into his pocket. He walked to the front of the store and picked out a wine bottle for Paul and going to the last remaining isle. This isle sold various goods, most of which were faulty. There he saw a cracked mirror as well as a right boxing glove. Hastily, Kazuya grabbed them
"These will work for Bruce and Cage" Kazuya threw them into his basket and rushed towards the counter
"Mommy, I won't this now!" Kazuya heared a spoiled brat moan as he approached the checkout
"But darling, you're already getting bicycle and a computer for Christmas. Maybe you should put that back" A passive mother responded
"That's not fair! I hate you I hate you! I'm going to hold my breath"
"Okay honey you can have this as will"
"You're giving in just like that. For fuck sake show some backbone!" Kazuya shouted
"But he is holding his breath" The women replied
"So, even if he holds it to the point of passing out, he'll just start breathing again"
"Stop it, I want to get more presents!" The child started to kick Kazuya's foot
Kazuya met the Childs stair and kicked him into the many bottles of wine
"Honey" The woman ran towards the child
"That went will" Kazuya said to himself as he took the woman's place in line making him second
"Now serving number one-hundred and twenty-eight"
"About fucking time" Scorpion ran into the door
"Take a seat Mr Scorpion"
Scorpion did so, when he did so he saw he was not alone, "Who the fuck are you?"
"I am the great Chef Guy" The man sitting in the seat beside him replied
Scorpion ignored the asshole and turned towards the man interviewing them
"Alright Scorpion, why do you think you would be a good cook for my show"
"Because I can do this" Scorpion grabbed various ingredients including a piece of meat, "You should step back"
Both men did so, at that moment a fire covered the meat, for several minutes Scorpion added the over ingrediance. When the fire cleared Scorpion handed the meat to the man, "Taste it"
The man did this and when the food touched his tong, a small smile appeared on his face, "That was delicious, the job is yours"
"What!" Guy shouted, "You can not, the job must be mine, Mine!!!"
The man slowly reached for the button activating the intercom, "Security!"
The Guards through Guy onto the cold pavement
"I...am the greatest though" Guy was filled with anger, "Scorpion! I hate you! You better watch your back. Otherwise you might find a kitchen knife in it"
"Poor, poor man. Lost his job and on Christmas as well"
Guy turned around, "W...who said that"
A figure in a black and purple cloak with the hood pulled over his head appeared from the shadows, "I see hate and revenge in your eyes"
"Alas, if you seek it the way you are, you shall be slaughtered" Another man in the same style cloak appeared
"But we could give him that power, couldn't we"
"No, he would not want it" The two cloaked men turned to walk away
"Wait!" Guy shouted, "I will do anything to kill that fucking bastard"
"Then your life is ours, we will allow you to slay him if you do us a favour afterwards"
"Jin Kazama. The ruler of the Zaibutsu, you must kill him and all who follow him"
"But the economy, it would be plunged into chaos"
"I guess he doesn't want his revenge"
"Wait, I'll do it"
"Good now stand still, this wont hurt a bit" The hooded figures unleashed Ki upon Guy, destroying his humanity and morphing his body
"Welcome to the show" The host said to the camera, "Tonight's cook is from the Shirai Ryu clan. He is the best cook I have seen for ages, put your hands together for Scorpion"
The crowd cheered as Scorpion came out to the stage, "Now, I understand that you're going to show us how to cook our Christmas lunch" The host stated
"Yeah whatever" Scorpion put a bag on the bench, "Before the show I picked up some supplies because the stuff in the fridge was shi" a censorship beep suddenly sounded, "What the he was that. What the * I can't even say **. Oh that's it" Scorpion suddenly ran off where the Camera recording the show couldn't see him.
The sound of someone being pounded and the occasional Censorship beep was caught on the camera. About a minute passed and Scorpion returned to the counter covered in blood
Meanwhile, hundreds of Kilometres away Hworang was sitting on a sofa switching channels on the television. Suddenly he saw Scorpion with a chef hat talking about cooking
"What the hell?"
At that moment the phone on the coffee table beside him rang, Hworang quickly answered it
"Hello...Yeah I know I'm watching it too...Right bye" Hworang put the phone back down, "Hey Lela, come in here for a second"
"The thing you have to remember is to be carful with the Tarkatan meat" Scorpion stated, "Because there is a gland in it if crushed can blind you, like this" Scorpion squished part of the meat and forced a green liquid into the eyes of someone in the audience
"Fuck!! My eyes!!"
"That looks really painful" The host stated
"That is why you have to be carful" Scorpion said as he cut up the meat and placed it around a Turkey before adding it all into an oven
"Now that the main course is underway, why don't we show our viewers how to make a Christmas pudding"
"Whatever. The most important thing to remember in a Christmas pudding is to"
"Die!" Suddenly a section of the wall was destroyed and a demonic, giant creature stepped forward
"That doesn't sound right" Scorpion said
"Shut up you piece of shit" As the creature approached Scorpion someone struck it in the head and made it stumble back
"Hanzo, what the hell is that thing?" Kazuya asked
"I'm not sure" Scorpion responded
"You don't remember me!? First you take my job and now this!"
"Guy and I'm going to make sure you die begging to that name
Scorpion reached for his blade however it wasn't there. Then he remembered, he left it at the compound thinking he would not need it. Guy stomped at Scorpion however he jumped into the air and delivered a round house kick to his face before landing and firing a ray of fire at Guy. At that Guy bent over in pain which gave Kazuya and Scorpion the perfect chance to pummel his head however it unleashed a Ki shield that sent Scorpion and Kazuya away
"Its skin fells like armour" Kazuya stated, "Impenetrable"
"Then we're going to have to kill him from the inside" Scorpion added
"With cooking" The host said popping up from behind the counter which he was hiding behind
"The two looked at him, "That may work. Do you two think you could distract long enough for me to cook something up
"Yeah" Kazuya replied
Kazuya ran at Guy and jumped; delivering several attacks to his Abdomen however they were useless and you could tell that by the fact that Guy grabbed Kazuya in his left hand. Those in the crowd, certain that this was part of the show in an attempt to boost rating began to boo, "Ah fuck up" Guy shouted. The distraction was good enough to allow Kazuya to reveal his third eye and fire a laser into Guy's left eye, blinding it
"How's it coming!?" Kazuya called towards Scorpion
"Just adding some cyanide" Scorpion replied
Kazuya was clawed into the air by Guy who then covered him in flames exhaled from his mouth. The audience gasped however cheered once again as Kazuya tackled Guy to the ground in his Devil form. Reverted back to human, Kazuya stomped on Guy's throat several times before he was thrown across the room. Kazuya quickly jumped to his feet.
"Kazuya! Catch" Scorpion handed a bowl to Kazuya, "Have him eat that"
"Eat this you piece of shit" Kazuya jumped at Guy and threw the bowl at his mouth
"Guy, being the complete dumb fuck that he is, ate the bowl with no questions asked. Within one minute he was on his knees coughing up blood and within twenty minutes was dead with the last thing he heard being the cheers of the audience.
"And that is how you cook the greatest Christmas lunch that you will ever taste" Scorpion said as he took a fork with food on it and placed it in his mouth under his mask. His chewing became slower and he allowed the food to fall out, out of disgust of its taste
"Until next time. We wish you a Merry Christmas, we wish you a Merry Christmas, we wish you a Merry Christmas, and a happy New Year" The host sang alone, "What, no one else wants to sing, all right then
AN: That is the end of that story and on behave of myself have a Cheerful Christmas, a happy Honaker and an amazing kwanza