Gerard has a problem, well, two problems. Can Haury help him?....
Oh yeah, I just want to add that this is totally made up and is not to be taken seriously. I wrote it purely for your entertainment, okay?
Haury Jovich stared at himself in the mirror and sighed. When had his life become so complicated? Oh yeah, it was when he slept with his psycho ex personal assistant Laura. Man, what a lunatic she had turned out to be. It had been six months since they had gotten together and he still hadn't managed to shake her off even after hired that hitman to snuff her out.
He had even cheated on her, but that hadn't worked either. However the girl he had cheated with had mysteriously disappeared. He had a sneaky suspicion Laura had something to do with that.
"Haury!" she barked, marching into the room.
He jumped a mile in the air. "Yes, dear?" he said meekly.
"You're on in five, so get your ass in gear," she snarled, and stormed out.
"Bitch," he muttered, when he was certain she was gone.
"Hello and welcome to another exciting addition of the Emmy nominated Haury Jovich show!" He beamed happily at the camera. This was probably one of the few times he felt safe these days. "Today's show promises to be sensational as we have a guest appearing today who causes more drama in one day then Lindsey Lohan does in a whole week!"
The crowd cheered and clapped happily. "He's a notorious philanderer-of both sexes, I should add," said Haury with a raised eyebrow, "and doesn't seem to have any shame. Makes him all the more appealing if you ask me," chuckled Haury.
"Gerard Way," smiled Haury, as a shot of a bored-looking man was beamed across a giant screen behind him, "has appeared more times then any guest in this shows history," breathed Haury dramatically, "and each time there have been tears, tantrums and let's not forget the DNA results!"
The crowd laughed heartily. Yes, they remembered him. "So without further ado, let's bring him out to see what is going on in his life today!"
The crowd clapped enthusiastically as a pale, slim man with black hair and a scowl on his handsome face sauntered down the stairs. He was dressed all in black and was currently smoking a cigarette, yet he had one of the most innocent-almost angelic faces they had ever seen.
Unfortunately the same could not be said for his antics. The second he had greeted Haury he turned around and flipped the bird to the stunned crowd. Enraged, they rose to their feet and began jeering him. Not that Gerard looked bothered. In fact, the smirk on his face hinted he was quite enjoying it.
"Now, now, Gerard," said Haury, in the stern voice he reserved for his most troublesome guests. "There's no need for that sort of behavior."
Gerard rolled his eyes and took a seat. "Tell us what brings you here?" asked Haury inquisitively.
Gerrad stubbed out his cigarette on the floor. Haury wisely chose to ignore it. "I've got man/woman troubles."
"Would you care to elaborate?" pressed Haury, trying to hide his eagerness.
Gerard sighed. "Basically my boyfriend found out about my girlfriend and vice versa. Now the shits hit the fan in a major way." He stretched his arms out behind him and yawned. "My life sucks right now, dude. They're both threatening to kill each other, and even worse, both of them are depriving me of their...erm, charms, so, right now life doesn't seem living, you know?" He pulled out another cigarette and lit it. "I need help, man."
"I see," said Haury with a nod. "Let me get this straight. You have a boyfriend AND a girlfriend?" Gerard nodded.
"You're seeing them both at the same time?" Another nod.
"I presume that neither was aware of the others existence?"
"Not until a week ago," sighed Gerard.
"What is wrong with you, young man?" said Haury suddenly.
"What did I do?" replied Gerard, looking genuinely confused.
"You can't see two people at the same time!" cried Haury. "It's wrong!"
"It is?" said Gerard, furrowing his brows. "Why?"
"What do you mean 'why?'" said Haury in outrage. "Normal people only date one person at a time!"
"But they're both so hot!" argued Gerard. "I had to have them both."
"People are not toys, son," said Haury. "You cannot play with peoples emotions."
"It's not their emotions I play with," smirked Gerard. The crowd blushed.
"Must you be so lewd?" said Haury in exasperation.
"I don't know what that word means," said Gerard.
Haury shook his head and addressed the audience. "What am I going to do with this guy?"
"Just get them to get along, you know?" shrugged Gerard.
"You can't have them both," said Haury. "Pick the one you love."
"Love?" repeated Gerard. "I don't know what that is either," he shook his head.
"Of course you do. What about Mikey?" asked Haury, referring to Gerard's younger sibling.
"I don't love Mikey like that. Eew!" Gerard wrinkled his nose.
It was Haury's turn to sigh. "I didn't mean it like that. I meant you love him, don't you?"
"So you do know what love is," conceded Haury.
He received a careless shrug in reply. "Forget it. Tell us more about them."
"Well, firstly there's Frank. I've known him forever and he's the guitarist in our band. We've been together on and off for years. He's super emotional, and super cute. He also has a mean right hook and has been known to kick me in my "man area" as well."
"What about the girl?"
"Well, Her name is LynZ, she's the bass player for another band. She's totally hot and a badass, but she's also been known to attack me with her guitar when she's mad at me. Oh yeah, she can also does a backbend when she plays. It's so hot."
"Who have you been seeing romantically the longest?" inquired Haury.
"Frank, but we've been on and off a lot. I met LynZ a few months ago. I've been seeing her ever since."
"So technically you're cheating on Frank with LynZ?" said Haury, shaking his head.
Gerard shrugged. "I'm not cheating on him. I'm just, you know, seeing other people."
"Without his knowledge?" said Haury slowly.
Gerard nodded. "Yeah."
"We call that cheating, Gerard."
"Not if they don't know about each other," argued Gerard slyly.
"But they do!" cried Haury.
"That's why I'm here," said Gerard. "I need you to sort this shit out for me."
Haury refrained from rolling his eyes. As much as the man next to him annoyed him with his frivolous views on fidelity, he couldn't help but have a soft spot for him in his heart. Haury sighed, he was a sucker for a pretty face.
"Okay, okay," he said. "Let's bring out Frank!"
The crowd rose to their feet as a slim man with black hair and many tattoos came out. Like Gerard he was handsome. He wore a black hoodie and tight black jeans which Haury thought looked a tad uncomfortable, but what did he know about fashion?
"Hello, there, Frank," said Haury, shaking his pale hand.
"Oh my God!" squealed Frank. "I love your show!" He threw his arms around Haury's waist (he wasn't very tall) and hugged him tightly.
Haury laughed. Frank let go and turned to face Gerard who had also gotten to his feet to greet him.
"Hey," began Gerard with a smirk.
Frank responded by raising his hand and bitch slapping Gerard across the face. Security rushed onto the stage and quickly separated the two men.
"Don't 'hey' me, you no good for nothing slut! screamed Frank, while Haury looked on, amazed.
"Jesus, Frank!" yelled Gerard, rubbing his cheek. "What the hell was that for?"
"Oh, no you didn't!" yelled Frank and attempted to break free from his captors. "I'm gonna kick your ass today!"
Gerard rolled his eyes which only enraged Frank more. "You see how dramatic he is?" he said to Haury.
"Dramatic?" spat Frank. "I find out you've been sleeping with some GIRL behind my back and you say I'm being dramatic?"
"There was no sleeping involved," replied Gerard. Haury looked at him in awe. Was there no end to his arrogance? It was breathtaking really. Any other man would have gotten his ass kicked for being so rude.
"BITCH!" screamed Frank.
"Alright," said Haury. "That's enough!" He folded his arms and gave them both stern looks. "I want everyone to calm down and take a seat."
He approached Frank and took him by the arm. Frank's anger seemed to melt a little as he was led to his seat. "Sit down, son," said Haury kindly.
Frank did as he was told quietly, but when he saw Gerard making his way towards him he sprang to his feet and threw his chair to the other side of the room. "You're not sitting with me, you hussy!"
"Fine," said Gerard loudly. He slammed the chair down and sat down, ignoring the foul glares he was receiving from the audience.
"Look, Frank," said Haury. "I know you're very upset right now, but I need you to calm down so we can sort this out."
"I'm sorry," sniffed Frank. "It's just he," he jerked a thumb in Gerard's direction, "makes me so mad."
"We all know that feeling," chuckled Haury, trying to lighten the mood. Gerard glared at him.
"I can't believe he's been cheating on me. Again!" Frank blew his nose with a tissue given by Haury. "He's like an animal. He's never satisfied!"
"I know, I know," said Haury, patting him on his back. "He needs help."
"Hey!" cried Gerard. "No, I don't!"
"You keep your dirty mouth shut for once!" yelled Frank.
"Calm down, guys," said Haury, holding up his hands.
"Now, tell me, Frank," said Haury. "Is there anything you'd like to tell Gerard?"
"Only that he's a no good, dirty, scum bag and I never want to see him again!" hissed Frank. The audience were very happy to hear this.
"Come on, Frank," sighed Gerard. "We both know you'll never leave me."
"Shut the fuck up!" yelled Frank. He shook his fist angrily in Gerard's direction, who simply rolled his eyes.
Haury wished he shared Gerard's cavalier attitude to everything going on around him. That way he totally would have gotten rid of that Laura bitch a long time ago.
"So it's over between you and him then?" asked Haury.
"Yes!" Frank glared at Gerard. "We are done!"
"Okay," said Haury. "Gerard what do you have to say to this?"
"Aww, man," sighed Gerard. "He's not gonna leave me."
Haury shook his head. "Let's see what LynZ has to say on the matter."
"Yeah!" piped in Frank. "Bring that hussy out!"
"Now, Frank," warned Haury. "You are not to get out of your seat. Understood?"
Frank nodded, but the glint in his hazel eyes suggested something else. "Everyone let's give a warm welcome to LynZ!"
The crowd applauded as a strikingly pretty woman sauntered down the stairs. Her hair was black and rumpled and her left arm was covered with tattoos. For some reason she was wearing a black and white school girl outfit (not that the men in the audience minded) and even strangely, she was carrying a black guitar in her hand.
"Welcome, LynZ," said Haury, greeting her warmly. Upon closer inspection Haury saw she had the warmest brown eyes he had ever seen.
"Hey, Haury," she smiled. "Love the show."
"Thank you. Please take a seat." As he led her to the chair on Gerard's other side, Gerard decided to get up to greet her.
"Hey, baby," he said, and walked towards her.
LynZ responded by kicking him squarely in his man area. "Fuck you, Way!" she growled.
At this point the audience were completely in love with her. Haury heard someone yell "Girl power!" in the back somewhere.
"Jesus, LynZ!" gasped Gerard, doubling over in pain. "What was that for?"
This seemed to infuriate LynZ as she swung her guitar over her head and attempted to bash Gerard with it. Luckily, a security guard prevented her from doing so.
"Now, now, LynZ," said Haury, in a placating manner. "Let's not attack him, shall we?"
"But I wanna kick his ass," complained LynZ.
"Join the queue, sister," said Frank angrily.
"You." snapped LynZ. "Keep your mouth shut."
Frank jumped to his feet. "Make me!"
LynZ tried to whack him with the guitar but this time Haury stopped her. "I'll take that for the time being," he said warily. "Have a seat."
She sat down next to an incredibly pissed off Gerard who was muttering darkly under his breath. "Fucking psychos," he whispered.
Haury clapped his hands together. "Okay, LynZ. Tell me your side of the story."
"Well," she began. "It all began a couple of months ago. I met this asshole," she nodded towards Gerard, "at a gig and it was love at first sight. Or at least I thought it was. He was the one who made the first move-not me. Little did I know he was hiding a secret boyfriend." She paused the give Frank an evil look. "I found out when the little shrimp called me on my cell, screaming and acting all hysterical and shit."
"What would you do if you found out your man was messing around with a giant Barbie doll?" hissed Frank.
"Who the fuck are you calling a fucking Barbie doll asswipe?" she yelled back. "Don't make me come over there and kick your ass!"
Haury saw Gerard suppress a smile. "Gerard?" he asked. "Are you by any chance enjoying this?" asked Haury severely.
"Honestly?" Gerard blew smoke at the audience. "Yes."
"Motherfucker!" yelled Frank.
"Bitch!" yelled LynZ, at the same time.
Haury shook his head. Never before had he met people with such foul mouths. "Enough, guys," he said. "Enough with the bad language."
"Gerard," he said. "I want you to make a decision right here right now on who you want to be with."
"I told you, man," said Gerard. "I want them both, and I'm gonna have them both."
"Okay. That's it," said LynZ getting to her feet. "Now I'm pissed!"
With some incredibly inhumane strength she managed to tackle Gerard off his chair and onto the ground where she lay on top of him. She sat up and threw a terrifying right hook at him. Gerard caught it easily and kissed her hand.
"Aww, honey," he smiled. "You know I like it rough."
"For fuck's sake!" she screamed. "Stop distracting me and let me kick your ass!"
Security ran onto the stage and tried to pull LynZ off Gerard. "Fuck off!" yelled Gerard at them. "I'm not complaining!"
LynZ then tried to bite Gerard's hand. "SHIT!" he screamed, when she was successful. "Get her off me!"
"Get off him, ho!" yelled Frank, who had been watching with growing rage.
He kicked his chair back and joined the battle taking place on the floor like a crazed wrestler. "I'm gonna rip your extensions out!" he hollered.
"I don't have any extensions, bitch!" cried LynZ, punching him in the stomach.
Haury couldn't believe what was unfolding before his eyes. He had thought he had seen it all before, but this? This was insane! And great for ratings.
A burly security guard managed to pick Frank up off the floor who kicked and punched madly. LynZ was proving to be more then a handful. It took three terrified security guards to prise her off Gerard, who by the looks of things was enjoying the view as her skirt flew everywhere.
He finally sat up and ran a hand through his already messed up hair. "Dude," he said to Haury. "You're supposed to sort this shit out."
Haury resisted the urge to choke the insanely arrogant male on the floor. "I'm trying," he snapped. "You are not helping."
In the meantime LynZ had managed to kick a hapless security guard in the stomach. "LynZ!" stormed Haury. "That is enough, young lady!"
"Shit! Sorry dude," said LynZ guiltily.
Haury knew it was time to take control. "Right," he said in a commanding voice. "I have had enough of your contemptible behavior. You are nothing but a bunch of barbarians. I am ashamed of you all." He folded his arms and shook his head sadly.
"Aww, man," sniffed Frank, still being held a guard. "I'm sorry.
"Yeah," chimed in LynZ. "Me too. I need to start acting more lady-like and shit."
Gerard sighed. "I can't help but feel this is my fault."
"It is your fault, Gerard," said Haury stonily.
"Shit." Gerard shuffled his feet looking slightly ashamed. "You're right."
"Why don't we have a seat?" suggested Haury, his heart melting at the look on the young mans face. Always a sucker for a pretty face.
After they were seated (separate from each other, of course) Haury spoke. "This is what's going to happen," he said, addressing his guests and the audience.
"Gerard, you are going to go to rehab for sex addiction." Gerard opened his mouth to speak, but Haury stopped him. "Don't even try to argue with me. You need help. You are worser then Tiger Woods. After you come out of rehab, you are going to remain celibate for at least a year." Frank snorted. "I will make sure of it even if I have to lock you in a room."
"Are you trying to kill me?" gasped Gerard. "A whole year without getting la-"
"Gerard." Haury rubbed his temples wearily. "There will be no arguments about this matter."
"Fuck me," whispered Gerard.
"Not for a long time, sugar," smirked Frank. "This is the happiest day of my life!" The crowd laughed and applauded.
LynZ smiled happily. "This is going to be interesting."
Haury watched them being led away from the stage and wondered what he gotten himself into.
So what did you think? And do you think I should do another one? I'm not sure yet, but if I do do another one, I'm gonna need some fresh characters, so if anyone (doesn't matter if you're a girl or boy) wants to be in the next one give me a name and a brief description of yourself (looks and personality, but I have to warn you if you do end up in the story there is a very high chance you're gonna end up kicking someone's ass), then I'll see what I happens. xx