Two days have gone by I have been counting the days I will not go far as to count the hours, minutes and seconds. I thought as the day comes and goes everything will be getting easier not getting harder, not having Gerard is here has been beyond hard. My mind is running on is lying screaming at me to just lie once, no one has to know.
My mind fills up with ways to lie no one would know I would just have to find someone who I barley know and just tell one lie. That is all I would have to do but my heart yells at me for thinking about it I cannot think about it. I needed someone to talk to the person I talk to is gone I need him here with me, telling me it is okay to think like this.
I have not left my room ever since I came back in from yesterday I fear if I do leave just for a second somehow I would find a way to lie. I knew I would I would find any way to lie to someone I could see it happening in my mind. I had one person I knew I could talk to and that was Stephanie but as I keep saying, she will never understand how I feel or even care.
My thoughts turn to Gerard I wonder if his doing all right I worry about him, I know being some where strange is hard. I fear if he comes back that he will be a different person that the person I fell in love with will be gone. Rehab changes person some for the better while other’s for the worst, I have to also think this will be good for him.
I wonder if the doctor would send me to rehab I do not think there is a rehab for pathological lairs, I also do not think rehab could save me. Being at this asylum while trying too change is hard deep down I do not think I can be save. There is nothing from stopping me going back to my old ways if I ever leave this place.
Think about it I ever leave this asylum a change person what stop’s me from going back to the old Frank, nothing does. The only person that could help me stay the new Frank is Gerard and I do not think he would won’t to be with me after this. I wonder what would happen if we both leave this place, what would happen to us. Would we go our own ways in life or be together helping each other to stay better.
Leaving this asylum scares me half to death I do not think I could face the real world I am so use to this world that blocks out the real world. Staying here, I know I am safe that as long as I stay then there is a low chance of my lying again but if I go out into the real world, there would be a higher chance of me lying again.
Maybe I am just being paranoid thinking about all of this is not good I should be thinking about getting better and staying that way. I do not won’t to go back to the old Frank who lies about everything I would never live with myself if that happen. I have to give this my all I have to keep being the new Frank and stay that way, even when I am scared half to death. It has been two days only 29 more days to go.