Categories > Original > Humor > The Book of Hondo

Scoot 2

by shadesmaclean 0 Reviews

Johnny Space-Cadet

Category: Humor - Rating: R - Genres: Fantasy,Humor - Characters:  - Warnings: [V] - Published: 2010/09/23 - Updated: 2010/09/23 - 735 words - Complete

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And so, after propping Jehovah’s LA-Z Boy in front of the closet door, the Gods of Hondo went forth unto Disneyland, but they didst find it to be excruciatingly boring and unbearably chirpy.

‘This place doth fail to meet our expectations,’ spake Derrick, the God of Fist-Pounding.

‘Let us make it more interesting,’ spake Matt, the God of Everything Else.

And so Matt didst cause all of the food to have the same effects as a laxative. And it came to pass that within half an hour, people were rioting at the restrooms.

‘Verily I say, that was good,’ laughed Derrick, ‘but I shall do better!’

And the God of Orange Juice Drinking caused the moon to become three in the shape of a mouse. And the people didst see the sign in the heavens and looked unto one another in confusion.

‘Surely thou broketh their brains,’ Matt didst concede, ‘but thou shalt not easily top what I am about to do!’

And the God of Everything Else caused the rides to go into overdrive, sending chunks flying in all directions, which didst gross everyone out. The Gods of Hondo didst make themselves intangible, and so were untouched.

‘Surely thou canst do better than that,’ spake Derrick. ‘Watch this!’

And the God of Hawai’ian Shirts caused the statues and animatronics to come to life and start chasing people with red, glowing eyes and sharp, pointy teeth.

‘Thou’rt truly over the top, Derrick,’ spake Matt, ‘but I shall not be upstaged by thee! Behold!’

And the God of Everything Else didst turn Mickey Mouse and all of his cartoon friends into four-story-tall robot weasels.

‘Oh yeah!’ Derrick didst reply, ‘Well beat this!’

And he didst turn the castle of the Tragic Kingdom into a giant cake.

‘What the fuck was that!?’ Matt didst demand. ‘Thou didst not manage to cause any damage at all!’

‘Oops…’ spake the God of Stupidity. ‘Thou hast won this round, Matt, but I shall beat thee next time.’

And the people were scattered to the wind, and fled in all directions.

‘Indeed, disasters are more fun to attend than regular events!’ spake Matt.

‘Friday shalt now be called a Hondoday in honor of this occasion,’ spake Derrick. ‘Now that we are become Gods, we must find for ourselves a group of followers.’

‘A most excellent idea, Derrick. But we must make it fun,’ spake Matt, ‘for ’twas no fun with Jehovah. We must find people who know how to have fun.’

In order that they might have more fun, the Gods of Hondo didst find others to join in their Divine Game.

First they didst find Bree, who didst refuse to bow. This confused the Gods of Hondo greatly, so they decided she must be the Goddess of Hondo, who didst have her own godly powers.

Then, just for kicks, they didst anoint David and Heidi as demigods, and nor did they have to bow in the presence of the Gods of Hondo.

But after hearing about the lame deed of Derrick at Disneyland, they didst challenge his worthiness as a God of Hondo.

‘If thou art truly worthy,’ spake Heidi, ‘thou shalt show us a sign. Then shouldst we worry ourselves about a following.’

So before they set out to find a following, Derrick didst answer Heidi’s challenge.

And so Derrick, the God of Humor, didst become Johnny Space-Cadet for a day to prove his worthiness. And he didst walk among mortals for a day wearing an inflated rubber glove over his head, with straws sticking out of his nose. This caused many people to laugh at his bizarre appearance. In the end, Matt was forced to agree that Johnny Space-Cadet was far more amusing than any of the havoc they had wrought in Disneyland, and so did the others.

And the Gods of Hondo didst procrastinate greatly before turning to the task of finding followers. And they didst slowly rearrange Reality for their amusement, and told Time to get bent, whilst attempting to figure out ways to make golf an exciting game to play… to no avail. They didst ban Muzak from existence, and there was much rejoicing. They also didst go on to abolish Daylight Savings Time and rule that Science and Religion must stay at least fifty feet apart at all times.

Then did they finally turn to the task of finding followers.
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