the Space Coyote
The unimportant man begat another unimportant man. That unimportant man begat Jebediah. And Jebediah begat the Man Who Invented the Wheel. And the Man Who Invented the Wheel begat Hadoram, whose name means the Man Who Lived in the Shadow of his Father’s Fame. And Hadoram begat Daniel the Overachiever.
And Daniel the Overachiever begat Ezekiel the Failure. And Ezekiel the Failure didst somehow manage to begat Zelophehad. And Zelophehad begat Zimbi. And Zimbi begat Aphek. And Aphek begat Abana the Rascal King.
And Abana the Rascal King begat Gohan. And Gohan begat Athaliah. And Athaliah begat that one guy whose name no one can pronounce. And the guy whose name no one can pronounce begat Joktan. And Joktan begat Halivah. And Halivah begat Methuselah, who would outlive many of his descendents. And Methuselah begat Mahalalel. And Mahalalel begat Zechariah of Bywater, who was the father to all who smoke the pipe.
And so Zechariah of Bywater begat Amminadab. And Amminadab begat Diklah, who was eternally mocked because of his name. And Diklah begat Jehoiachin, who was the True Lord of the Dance. And Jehoiachin begat So-And-So. And So-And-So begat So-And-So, Jr. And So-And-So, Jr begat Zillah. And Zillah begat Arpachshad the Nameless. And Arpachshad the Nameless begat Kenan.
And Kenan begat Asa. And Asa begat Some Guy Whose Name No One Remembers. And Some Guy Whose Name No One Remembers begat Uz. And Uz begat Jerah the Punk, who stuck his finger in a light socket whilst playing an electric guitar and so brought punk rock to the sons of men (for ’twas Sheena who brought punk rock to the daughters of women). And Jerah the Punk begat Brucewülf. And Brucewülf begat Almodad. And Almodad begat Arphaxad the Fierce.
And Arphaxad the Fierce begat the Guy Who Used to Live Down the Street. And the Guy Who Used to Live Down the Street begat Martin. And Martin begat Scott, who wouldst be called Scoot the Ko’An.
But one day in his nineteenth year, he talked to an old long-lost friend, and after he could not find rest.
And he didst not sleep for forty days and forty nights, and so it came to pass that the Space Coyote appeared before him in a vision and said unto him: ‘Hail Scott son of Martin! Listen, and I shall tell ye a tale:
‘An old man gathered his grandchildren around a stump. “Gather around, my children,” quoth the old man, “and I shall tell ye a tale.” And he said unto them: “An old man gathered his grandchildren around a stump. ‘Gather around, my children,’ quoth the old man, ‘and I shall tell ye a tale.’ And he said unto them: ‘An old man gathered his grandchildren around a stump. “Gather around, my children,” quoth the old man, “and I shall tell ye a tale.” And he said unto them: “An old man gathered his grandchildren around a stump. ‘Gather around, my children,’ quoth the old man, ‘and I shall tell ye a tale.’ And he said unto them: ‘An old man gathered his grandchildren around a stump. “Gather around, my children,” quoth the old man, “and I shall…” ’ ” ’ ” Scott son of Martin, art thou paying attention?’
‘Who… Wha…’ mumbled he, for he had nodded off during the Space Coyote’s speech.
‘Pull thyself together!’ snapped the Space Coyote. ‘Thou hast managed to remain awake for forty days and forty nights. Canst thou not keep thine eyes open for five more minutes? Any ordinary man wouldst be hallucinating by now.’
‘Sorry, mine eyes art tired. I was just resting them.’
‘Pay thee attention, Scott son of Martin, for I come bearing a message from the Gods of Hondo.’
‘Was there any point to the tale which thou hast said unto me earlier?’ asked he.
‘No,’ quoth the Space Coyote. ‘The Gods of Hondo just thought it wouldst be amusing to see how long thou couldst stay awake through such a boring and mind-warping tale.’
‘Oh. Tell me, O Messenger of the Gods of Hondo, what tidings dost thou bring from them? And who the hell art they to begin with?’
‘I will overlook thy last remark. Thou hast been chosen. Pack thy things and prepare for one journey thou wilt not forget! For thou shalt record the history of the Gods of Hondo, and thou shalt make it maketh even less sense than when it was told unto thee. Dost thou understand, Scott son of Martin?’
‘I guess so,’ quoth he.
‘Then go forth, Scott son of Martin, and wander the earth until the Gods of Hondo bid thee to stop.’
And so, after the Space Coyote departed, he slept like a stone for seven days and seven nights, and he didst awaken on the eighth day to discover that he had overslept.
‘Oh shit!’ cried he, and then didst pack a few things in his backpack, took up his trusty walking staff and didst set forth on the journey which the Space Coyote had told him of.