Categories > Original > Humor > The Book of Hondo
Having found what he seeketh, Scoot the Ko’An didst wander through the Mega-Mall parking lot for many days, and it came to pass that Matt appeared unto him as a smoking refrigerator.
And in this form, the God of Everything Else said unto him: ‘Hail, Scoot the Ko’An! Thou art to be congratulated for thine exploits in the city, but thy quest hath only just begun.’
‘My lord, thou hast found me!’ cried Scoot, for he was greatly relieved. ‘Wouldst thou please take me back to the other world?’
‘Sure. Why not.’
And with that, the God of Everything Else didst snap his finger, and Scoot didst find himself back in the other world.
‘There,’ spake Matt. ‘First try, even. I am indeed starting to get this god thing down… So I see Lucifer got the last laugh on thee after all. Oh well. Fuck him. Fuck him right in the ear! He hath been bugging us ever since we took over. I honestly can’t see how Jehovah couldst ever put up with him…
‘Never thou mind. We have more important things to discuss than that asshole.’
‘But, lord, where is Derrick?’
‘Derrick won the coin toss, so I must appear unto thee this time. I am come to lay down the ground rules for those who follow the way of Hondo.
‘On the Days of Kaméhaméha, which art the third Hondoday and Saturday of each month, thou shalt not do anything productive, nor shalt thou perform any kind of labor. Thou shalt only relax and enjoy thy self.’
‘But why Kaméhaméha, mighty God of Everything Else?’ asked he, but quickly added, ‘Not that I question thy judgment or anything.’
‘Because it’s fun to say, if thou must really know. And during the Days of Kaméhaméha, thou shalt observe the Feast of Maximum Occupancy. Thou shalt make pigs of thyselves and eat until thou canst eat no more. Thou shalt also see how many registered voters thou canst fit into a phone booth.’
‘Surely thou knoweth how to party!’ quoth Scoot.
‘Thou shalt also drink Jolt, the nectar of the gods, and thou shalt also eat Count Chocula™ in honor of us. When thou cometh upon fellow Hondos, thou shalt greet them and salute them like this.
‘These art our commandments, in no particular order:
1‘Sayeth the Gods of Hondo, Thou shalt not be a poser, nor shalt thou be Counterfeit, Trendy or Politically Correct; thou shalt come original.
2‘Thou shalt not fuck thine ass or thy sheep, nor shalt thou fuck thine own brother or sister, or thy father or thy mother, nor any other of thine own bloodline, lest thine offspring be Hicks.
3‘Thou shalt not fuck the dead.
4‘Thou shalt be more than thou art.
5‘Thou shalt remember the Days of Kaméhaméha, to keep them fun.
6‘Thou shalt not listen to country music, and thou shalt ban country music to stop inbreeding; nor shalt thou listen to disco, for all disco endeth in broken bones.
7‘Thou shalt settle all disputes by playing Rock-Paper-Scissors.
8‘Thou shalt go faster by not going slower.
9‘Thou shalt know thy enemy.
10‘Thou shalt not swallow.
11‘Thou shalt not be afraid of a guy who hath never been in a mix.
12‘Thou shalt use duct tape only for good, and never… well, just occasionally, for evil.
13‘Thou shalt enter all Spooky Doors.
14‘Thou shalt dare to be stupid.
15‘Thou shalt greet all Jehovah’s Witnesses, and all other religious nuts, whilst petting a toaster and making cute little cooing noises. If they doth ask thee about thy toaster, thou shalt disavow all knowledge of thy toaster.
16‘Thou shalt let thine actions speak louder than thy words.
17‘Thou shalt not have the Power of Attorney over first-graders.
18‘Thou shalt fuck authority and question the answers.
19‘Thou shalt come forth, not fifth, or thou shalt be last.
20‘Thou shalt not tolerate intolerance.
21‘Thou shalt let the Wookiee win…’
And in this form, the God of Everything Else said unto him: ‘Hail, Scoot the Ko’An! Thou art to be congratulated for thine exploits in the city, but thy quest hath only just begun.’
‘My lord, thou hast found me!’ cried Scoot, for he was greatly relieved. ‘Wouldst thou please take me back to the other world?’
‘Sure. Why not.’
And with that, the God of Everything Else didst snap his finger, and Scoot didst find himself back in the other world.
‘There,’ spake Matt. ‘First try, even. I am indeed starting to get this god thing down… So I see Lucifer got the last laugh on thee after all. Oh well. Fuck him. Fuck him right in the ear! He hath been bugging us ever since we took over. I honestly can’t see how Jehovah couldst ever put up with him…
‘Never thou mind. We have more important things to discuss than that asshole.’
‘But, lord, where is Derrick?’
‘Derrick won the coin toss, so I must appear unto thee this time. I am come to lay down the ground rules for those who follow the way of Hondo.
‘On the Days of Kaméhaméha, which art the third Hondoday and Saturday of each month, thou shalt not do anything productive, nor shalt thou perform any kind of labor. Thou shalt only relax and enjoy thy self.’
‘But why Kaméhaméha, mighty God of Everything Else?’ asked he, but quickly added, ‘Not that I question thy judgment or anything.’
‘Because it’s fun to say, if thou must really know. And during the Days of Kaméhaméha, thou shalt observe the Feast of Maximum Occupancy. Thou shalt make pigs of thyselves and eat until thou canst eat no more. Thou shalt also see how many registered voters thou canst fit into a phone booth.’
‘Surely thou knoweth how to party!’ quoth Scoot.
‘Thou shalt also drink Jolt, the nectar of the gods, and thou shalt also eat Count Chocula™ in honor of us. When thou cometh upon fellow Hondos, thou shalt greet them and salute them like this.
‘These art our commandments, in no particular order:
1‘Sayeth the Gods of Hondo, Thou shalt not be a poser, nor shalt thou be Counterfeit, Trendy or Politically Correct; thou shalt come original.
2‘Thou shalt not fuck thine ass or thy sheep, nor shalt thou fuck thine own brother or sister, or thy father or thy mother, nor any other of thine own bloodline, lest thine offspring be Hicks.
3‘Thou shalt not fuck the dead.
4‘Thou shalt be more than thou art.
5‘Thou shalt remember the Days of Kaméhaméha, to keep them fun.
6‘Thou shalt not listen to country music, and thou shalt ban country music to stop inbreeding; nor shalt thou listen to disco, for all disco endeth in broken bones.
7‘Thou shalt settle all disputes by playing Rock-Paper-Scissors.
8‘Thou shalt go faster by not going slower.
9‘Thou shalt know thy enemy.
10‘Thou shalt not swallow.
11‘Thou shalt not be afraid of a guy who hath never been in a mix.
12‘Thou shalt use duct tape only for good, and never… well, just occasionally, for evil.
13‘Thou shalt enter all Spooky Doors.
14‘Thou shalt dare to be stupid.
15‘Thou shalt greet all Jehovah’s Witnesses, and all other religious nuts, whilst petting a toaster and making cute little cooing noises. If they doth ask thee about thy toaster, thou shalt disavow all knowledge of thy toaster.
16‘Thou shalt let thine actions speak louder than thy words.
17‘Thou shalt not have the Power of Attorney over first-graders.
18‘Thou shalt fuck authority and question the answers.
19‘Thou shalt come forth, not fifth, or thou shalt be last.
20‘Thou shalt not tolerate intolerance.
21‘Thou shalt let the Wookiee win…’
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