“Would you want to be dead and have every living creature forgetting about you rather than being part of something bigger than this, something more important than this?” I used some names t...
Where to start, my lady, where to start?
When we first started existing, there was no one answering those questions for us either, but we managed to do it all by ourselves. You will be getting one signal, one simple sign that will lead you to the place we still manage to hide. There will be no answers to the questions you don’t even have. Because, once you’re in, everything will be obvious. Don’t get me wrong, my
lady, we won’t do anything to damage your brain even more than it already is.
We’ve known about your life way longer than your guardian angel was aware of the fact you had become an existing creature. Do you have a guardian angel, my lady, or are you really just one of us? Soul-taken, breath-fighting, life-searching.
We got it all, but we can help you. My lady, you’re her. The one we’ve been waiting for.
I’ve been counting the years from the day that you were born. Then I got impatient, and started counting down the days. Afraid to lose count, I marked all the days on the wall. Six thousand eight hundred and thirty-two tiny lines, in order to never forget about you. My lady, we’re only a few days away from our encounter and I’m trying so hard to wait for you, trying so hard to control myself from the things I’ve been waiting for ever since the day you were born.
When I count out loud, I feel that my hands have started tingling. They’re rested on the handrail of the chair I’m sitting on and for a moment, it feels like the past few minutes haven’t even taken place. The seconds disappear into minutes, while the hours won’t pass by as fast as they’re supposed to. I can disappear into my thoughts, but my thoughts never disappear into me. This makes everything a lot harder that it’s supposed to be, but there’s no one out there to help me but you, and you are still so innocent.
“And even after all those years, we still manage it to be wrong,” I suddenly hear someone say. “God we were wrong, so, so wrong.” Because I don’t want to get distracted in any way, I leave my chair and move a few feet to sit on the windowsill, my ear closely pressed to the window. I have to hear everything, because any information could be important. “How could we have thought that they weren’t going to find her first? They have her, John. All those nineteen fucking years for nothing!”
That’s when another voice breaks in, probably John’s “Calm the hell down. They’re lying. They haven’t found her. We know exactly where she is and where the hell she’s going to spend the night of her birthday in a few months. Nineteen years, Simon, and they still have no idea who she is, let alone where she is. Nineteen fucking years and we’ve been able to keep this a secret. We’re going to fight this war and win it. We’ve been ready to take her in for as long as I can remember!”
“But what if they’re not lying, John? Have you ever thought of that? It could go so incredibly wrong and then we have to wait for another savior. I don’t want to stick around and wait for that. We need this girl to save us. There’s no time to play games anymore.”
I don’t allow myself to think, because I have to pay attention. On the other hand, though, what if my opinion is the most important one on this matter? I’m the center of the five, after all.
I decide to listen for a bit longer.
“There are no such things as ‘ifs’ anymore. They haven’t found her and they’re sure as hell not going to kill her before we even get the chance to see her. Jesus Christ, Simon, just calm down and prepare yourself for the big day.”
“There’s not even going to be a big day if you keep being so ridiculously optimistic. We do have to think about the consequences of them finding her sooner than we do. We do have to over-think every little step we take in her direction. What if they will see Jonathan on her birthday party, what if they have found out about the date and place? We’d be screwed, John. Do you even realize how wrong you are for saying that we should just calm down?”
There followes a long, painful silence where neither of them makes as much as a sound. Simon was right, they should start planning everything all over again even if those people actually were lying, like John had just implied.
No one had ever given them as much as a name, simply because no one was brave enough to come up with one. They stayed the unknown, which was just some unofficial name an irrelevant stranger once made up for them. We’ve heard this name and we’ve kept calling them that ever since. It just sounds like this name has actually been made for them.
The unknown are the kind of people you wouldn’t want your children to know about. They are the people innocent human beings would tell ghost stories about at slumber parties, thinking that all of their stories aren’t real. The unknown like to spread it all over the world, just so they will scare all of the unsuspecting teenagers with it.
They are sinners, just like we used to be.
When I run out of things to think about, I feel a strange kind of warmth spreading all over the room. Looking around, I see Laurence. He smiles at me, and I smile right back at him. It seems like we’re not quite sure about what we should say, but he sits down in the chair in front of the windowsill I’m sitting on. “Hi.” He says.
It doesn’t feel like I should come up with an answer, so I stay silent. How come I haven’t heard any noise from Simon or John yet? Should I just sit here and wait for nothing or do something productive instead? I hate waiting, but ruining my chances to create a bond with her through her unconsciousness is something I wouldn’t risk. I wish I could look right through her dreams so that she would always be aware of the fact that she will meet us, all of us.
“Laurence, I think it’s time to get ready” I say.
He nods, lets his head fall down with a sigh and suddenly nothing feels right anymore. It feels like everything’s changing, but it doesn’t feel the way it’s supposed to feel. The unknown will track us down if they’re speaking the truth. We can’t risk anything like that anymore.
“We need to rearrange everything. It’s all screwed up.”
He nods again, and then looks up at me this time. I see his smile has disappeared and his eyes are closed. He knows just as well what’s going on. Simon and I are not the only ones worrying about it. It’s our only chance, we have all right to worry.
“Have you thought about it yet?” He asks.
I shake my head, “I think we should make a new plan, but we can’t do that without involving the others.” I sigh, twice. “Simon is freaking out, though. And John acts like there’s no reason to worry. We know better than that, you know? These are no things to just forget about. We need to find out what’s going to happen now.”
“I wonder why I’m not surprised that of all people, Simon is the one freaking out here.” He laughs, rolling his eyes just slightly “But what about Jamie? He hasn’t been around in a while. I don’t think we should wait until he comes back with some sort of master plan, should we?” He runs his hand through his hair, touching the white streak he bleached into it. The rest of his hair is black. Raven.
“He said he was going out of town for a while.” I shrug. “I didn’t ask him what it was for, though. I mean, it’s Jamie. The guy knows what he’s doing.”
“Do you think he might be getting nervous or something?”
“He might be, which wouldn’t really surprise me. We all should be at least a little nervous.” I get up from the windowsill and start wandering around, wondering if we would be friends if all of this hadn’t happened to each one of us. Behind the chair Laurence is sitting on, I stand still to comfortingly place my hands on his shoulders. He doesn’t seem upset, but he looks like he needs it for when I won’t be there to do it. At least he’ll have the memory.
My lady, I wonder if you know what waiting feels like, because waiting for this long is way more than just waiting, It’s caring. About others even more than about yourself. My lady, I hope you know what waiting feels like, because it’s what you’re going to deal with.
I wish I could give you the choice I once had. “Would you want to be dead and have every living creature forgetting about you rather than be part of something huge? It’s a choice. You have a choice.”
“I think we really have to get ready now.” Laurence suddenly says. He gets up, wanting me to make sure my hands never leave his shoulders.
I smile at him, trying to put as much honesty in my eyes as possible.
I nod as he leaves and then I’m alone again. I’m waiting alone.