Judy wants to have children after she ponders what is missing in her relationship. But, will Meredith be board with the idea?
I feel like something is missing between Meredith and me. Our relationship is going beautifully. Mom is taking our relationship a bit easier now. (She still gives me that look from time to time. But, no words follow.) Mer-Bear finally came out to her family and they have accepted her. We're currently looking for a place to live here in Miami. Yes, everything is going great. But, why do I still get the feeling that something is missing.
I spent weeks trying to come up with the answer. I kept running the equation over and over again in my head. It all panned out perfectly. But yet, why was there something missing in my life? I didn't find the answer until this afternoon. I was cutting through the neighborhood park after visiting the real estate agent. (Mer-Bear picked up an extra shift today to make some money for the apartment.) I happened to look up to the sound of children playing. A school teacher was with her students. My guest was that this was an after-school program I was witnessing. The children looked so darling. They stirred something inside of me.
They are so precious. Suddenly, I had my answer. I wanted a baby. I always wanted to be a mother, but college and high school pushed that dream to the very back. But now, I just want a baby so bad. I sat down on a bench and watched the little children play until their teacher called them over to the rec center for snacks. Then, an obstacle presented itself to me. Does Mer-Bear want kids? I lowered my head to my feet. I never really thought of that part of the equation. I'm almost afraid to ask her./What if she says no or violently shoots down my dreams of becoming a mother?/ I wrestled with it in my head for a long time. I finally decided to just come out and ask.
That night, I sat on her bed and I watched her fix her hair. I stroked on my own hand. This won't be easy. But, I just have to try.
"Mer-bear," I spoke up with a small voice. My girlfriend over glanced over at me.
"Yeah?" she asked.
"What do you want to do after we graduate college?"
"I don't know. Move in together with you. Get a job at a better mechanic."
"And after that?"
"I don't know, why?"
I shrugged. "What about children?"
She paused with the brush in her hand and slowly turned her head. "Say what?"
I pressed my lips together. "What do you think about children?"
"Do you want them or something?"
Mer-bear made a face at me. "Why?"
I shrugged. "I always wanted to be a mom since high school. But high school and college made me reprioritize my life."
"But what about your elementary school training?"
"I can manage."
"We don't have enough money to raise a baby. We don't even have a place to live yet."
"Well, I don't want kids now. I meant somewhere down the road." Mer-Bear set down her brush. I felt my stomach slowly sinking. Now I've done it. I knew I should have kept it to myself. What was I thinking?
"We'll talk about this later," was all Mer-bear told me.
I raised an eyebrow at her. "What do you mean?"
"We'll talk about it later. Okay? Just drop it tonight."
I nodded at her, reluctantly. "Okay." My girlfriend smiled at me. She walked over to her bed and kissed me on the lips.
"Good night," she whispered. Then, she disappeared into the bathroom to brush her teeth. I stare there on the bed, staring at her. I can't tell if I just won or lost that one.
There is a House in New Orleans