The Prophetess of Hondo
The Man Whose Name Was Erased By the Spanish Conquistadors begat Shaphat. And Shaphat begat the Son of X-51. And the Son of X-51 begat Elisha the False Prophet. And Elisha the False Prophet begat Abel-meholah. And Abel-meholah begat Œdipus, who was one complex motherfucker. And Œdipus begat Benhadad. And Benhadad begat Cartman’s Mom.
And Cartman’s Mom begat Naboth. And Naboth begat Enmishpat the Cocksucker. And Enmishpat the Cocksucker begat Belial. And Belial begat the Argob Chicken-Fucker. And Argob the Chicken-Fucker begat Tishbite, who was the father to all who Outer Space Meditate. And Tishbite begat Ahijah. And Ahijah begat the Opposite of George. And the Opposite of George begat Zedekiah, and he knew Gerda, but he didst abstain from knowing her that well, but his brother begat Guy.
And Guy begat Chena’anah. And Chena’anah begat the Man Who Invented the Squeegee. And the Man Who Invented the Squeegee begat Azubah. And Azubah begat uostwis r dewoH. And uostwis r dewoH begat Mi-ca’iah the Lumberjack. And Mi-ca’iah the Lumberjack begat Amon. And Amon begat Zapata. And Zapata begat Little Slippery Dude.
And Little Slippery Dude begat Joash. And Joash begat Ahaziah the Cromulent. And Ahaziah the Cromulent begat Shilhi. And Shilhi begat Ezion-geber the Anti-disestablishmentarian. And Ezion-geber the Anti-disestablishmentarian begat Nebat. And Nebat begat Adria.
One day, Adria came unto a Library, and she didst find a sign there which intrigued her greatly:
SCOOT THE KO’AN, SPEAKER
THE ASS-KICKIN’ APOSTLE
VOGON POETRY SLAM
(THOU HAST BEEN FOREWARNED.)
And so she didst enter unto the Library and didst listen to the words of Scoot the Ko’An:
‘…And so by joining the Gods of Hondo,’ quoth Scoot, ‘thou canst reduce thy long-distance bills by as much as 40% a month, or ten credits, or 4000 rupees— no matter how thou stacketh it, ’tis a lot of tomatoes.
‘Look at me, for I am in the best shape of my life now that I traveleth with the Dudes!’
‘Amen!’ quoth Brian Fritz, ‘Behold! for I have lost ten pounds, or six cubits— and four dress sizes— since I began traveling with the Dudes!’
‘Verily I say,’ quoth Scoot, ‘the Gods of Hondo shall reduce taxes, fight gun control legislation, resist special interest lobbies, abolish the Electoral College, and ban Soccer Moms from voting!’
‘Darn tootin’!’ quoth Myles the Unbeliever.
‘In the event of an accident, the first driver on right shall be the first to give the finger.
‘As Trampus wouldst sayeth:’ quoth Scoot, ‘ “Elisha had a vineyard at Ba’alzamon; he let out the vineyard unto keepers; those that live in the mountains, set me as a seal upon thine heart, sweet sister. Wilt thou set thine eyes upon that which is not?
‘ “For Wisdom hath buildèd her a house, she hath hewn it out of seven pillars; she hath killed her beasts with a five-bladed sword; stolen waters art sweet, and bread eaten in secret is Shai’tanic.”
‘For the dead liveth in floating refrigerators, and the guests of fools art skeletons hidden in the closet of Hell.
‘I had a dream, and I shall conjugate it for thee: Mummified Cats were playing poker in a roomful of worried people, who didst all keep looking at the clock. And I didst have to stop the Green Darkness from consuming all, I fought the Red Machine to protect the Little Black Box. Yea, tho I walk through the No Man’s Land of the Factories of Machines That Make Nothing, I shall live dangerously, and kicketh out the jams, for the Force is with me, what’s with ye? We must unite together as one, in the spirit of [i]compo rotaryi], with puffy little shoes and nose rings for all!’
And for the triumphant conclusion of his Sermon on the Table, Scoot didst fall off, but the people didst support him, and he didst surf the crowd.
Soon everyone was crowd surfing; with a little more butt support they didst surf Adria right to Scoot.
‘Wow!’ quoth Adria, ‘ ’Tis really thee! Scoot the Ko’An! ’Tis just like in the visions, but for that thou shouldst be a little taller!’
‘And thou art?’
‘I am Adria,’ quoth Adria. ‘The Gods of Hondo hath led me to this place with a sign that I might meet thee!’
‘Not thou too!’ quoth Myles the Unbeliever.
‘Myles! My brother!’ cried Adria. ‘ ’Tis really thee! When I heard about the farting chickens, I feared the worst for thee. So thou hast also joined the Dudes?’
‘No,’ quoth Scoot. ‘We call him Myles the Unbeliever. He’s just along for the ride.’
‘Is that one of thy mother’s chickens?’ asked Myles.
‘Aye. This little cuckoo just won a distance-farting contest in Tennessee,’ quoth she.
‘But how didst thou know to find thy way here?’ asked Myles, dreading the answer.
‘I was guided by a sign,’ quoth she. ‘For I was on my way to have this cuckoo filed for protection as an endangered species, when a Mexican-speaking Chihuahua tagged along and didst lead me to this place.’
‘ ’Tis a sign!’ cried an old man.
And the God of Odnoh didst appear in their midst as a frustrated palm tree, and he said unto them: ‘It is indeed a sign, for I have led thee here for a purpose.
‘Thou hast a hidden gift that is worthy of the Dudes,’ spake the God of Magic. ‘Thou shalt be the Prophetess of Hondo. Thou shalt help the Dudes find the Thing with the Stuff.’
‘Just great,’ quoth Myles, ‘now I am seeing figments of [/her imagination, too…’
‘Derrick and I have done some thinking,’ spake the God of Militant Bowel Movements as he appeared before them as Gustav, ze Vodka Svilling Cat, ‘and we have decided to commemorate thy battle with the Technomage by declaring the last day of October Odnohween, and it just so happeneth that today is Odnohween. Spooky things shall come to pass tonight, and from now on, every Odnohween Night. Have thee a nice day!’
‘Great art the Gods of Hondo,’ quoth RJ, ‘and we rejoice in thy new holy day!’
And he didst bow before them, prostrate at their feet.
‘I liketh the way thou boweth,’ spake the God of All Things Found Under Couch Cushions. ‘I think we shall promote thee to a Priest of Hondo.’
‘Oh, thank ye, mighty God of Odnoh!’ quoth RJ, and he didst bow again. ‘All praise is due. To both thee and Lord Matt. Many thanks!’
And the Gods of Hondo didst vanish from their midst.
And Adria didst prophesy: ‘For there shall come a day when the bell shalt toll for someone else. And there shalt be more ninjas than thou canst stuff into an airport! The forgotten shalt be remembered, and the megaphone of failure shalt be made to work again, for it sayeth: “Get thee hence, foul desktop! I shall away with Windows 95 be!” The grandmother of Republicans hath mighty toads to jump on mounds of scorpions for extra points. Beware the green, green farts, for friends who freezeth together sneezeth together.’.