The Book of Chocula™
(New and Improved! Now featureth Random Chapter Breaks!
The Book of Chocula™ was brought to thee by Ass Wipe brand Toilet Paper. Tough on shit, light on ass. Now made with real Deku documents! Ass Wipe: We maketh stuff that ’splodes!)
And the Dudes didst split up into two parties, going each their separate way in search of the Thing with the Stuff, and the voice of the Turtle was heard in the land.
And it came to pass that Scoot the Ko’An and his companions, Casey, Yoco, and Nori the Cursing Faerie, were overtaken by forty men who were led by a man with a funny-looking turban.
And the leader of the forty said unto them, ‘I am Ayatollah Asshollah LXXXVI, and these art my Élite Beardos of Death. Art thou Scoot the Ko’An, the First Apostle of Hondo?’
‘I am he,’ quoth Scoot.
‘I liketh not the looks of this…’ quoth Nori.
‘ ’Tis the Great Satan!’ quoth Ayatollah Asshollah, and he didst brandish his scimitar at the Dudes, calling unto the forty: ‘Destroy the Infidels!’
‘Can’t we talk about this?’ quoth Scoot. ‘And do we not get one phone call first?’
‘Thou art the Great Satan!’ quoth Ayatollah Asshollah. ‘Kill them, Beardos!’
And Scoot didst thrice call upon the name of Ba’alzamon, and Lucifer didst appear before them in his bathrobe.
‘No, that is the Great Satan!’ quoth Scoot. ‘Now stop bothering me!’
‘What the hell just happened!?’ cried Lucifer. ‘No one hath summoned me in five hundred years! Why now, of all times? Can a devil not take a fucking shower in peace?’
And so Ayatollah Asshollah was speechless.
‘Jesus fucking hopped-up Christ riding backwards on a pony with a feather in his hat!’ cried Nori. ‘Scoot, tell us the next time thou’rt going to do shit like that!’
‘Where the fuck didst thou pull that one from?’ quoth Yoco.
‘Must I tell thee everything I do before I do it?’ Scoot asked.
‘If it be shit like that!’
‘Thou’rt such a fucking pansy!’ quoth Scoot. ‘Tell me before standing backwards! Tell me before summoning the devil! Shall I tell thee every time I farteth?’
‘If it doth look like that, damn straight!’
‘Hey!’ quoth Lucifer.
‘Pipe thee down, and stayeth out of this, horn-boy!’ quoth Yoco.
‘Hey! What about me?’ quoth a very confused Ayatollah Asshollah.
‘Thou too, asshole!’ quoth Yoco.
‘Um, Scoot…’ quoth Casey.
‘Just telleth me next time,’ quoth Nori.
‘Fine,’ quoth Scoot, ‘I will.’
‘Excuseth me,’ quoth Lucifer, ‘Hello! Prince of Darkness here. Is there some reason thou hast summoned me? I feeleth a draft in this breezy bathrobe.’
‘Bathrobe?’ Nori intoned.
And Lucifer didst somehow manage to turn even redder, for the breeze had blown his bathrobe open.
‘Ha! Ha!’ quoth Nori. ‘I win the bet, Scoot! The devil hath no balls! And I bet he doth not know how to rock either!’
And so Scoot didst pay Nori ten dollars.
‘Take a picture! It doth last longer!’ quoth Lucifer. At least they knew not that he didn’t know how to skateboard. ‘Mark my words, Scoot! Thou wilt pay for this!’
And Lucifer didst vanish in a cloud of fire and smoke.
And the forty were speechless.
‘Umm…’ Ayatollah Asshollah didst stand there sheepishly. ‘Beardos! Kill the Infidels!’
‘Run away! Run away!’ cried Scoot.
‘We can’t!’ cried Casey, ‘for we art surrounded!’