the Hyper-X Buttplate
‘I tried to!’ quoth Casey.
‘What the hell,’ quoth Yoco, for he had drawn the Edge, ‘let us try it anyway!’
And it came to pass that the Élite Beardos of Death were too confused to pursue the Dudes, and Ayatollah Asshollah didst run after them brandishing his scimitar and cursing them.
But the Dudes went faster by not going slower, and he couldst not catch them.
And it came to pass that the Gods of Hondo didst appear before RJ, Jennifer, Dirty Uncle Orty, the Prophetess Adria, and Myles the Unbeliever as scrungy hassocks, and Matt said unto them: ‘Hail, Dudes! We come bearing great tidings.’
‘I am now the God of Evil, and that is not all,’ spake the God of Orange Juice Drinking. ‘For we anoint Count Chocula™— part of thy complete breakfast— as an honorary God of Hondo.’
And a box of Count Chocula™ cereal didst appear before them, and they didst anoint it with milk. And so it came to pass that everyone didst have a bowl, and it was spooktacular.
‘Great art the Gods of Hondo!’ quoth RJ, and he didst bow to them, prostrate at their feet. ‘Most worthy of praise! For Brian Fritz Skanky-Bitch is not here to upstageth me for a change!’
And the Gods of Hondo didst vanish from their midst and didst return hither unto their Asgard headquarters, and so it came to pass that the Red Phone didst ring and Matt didst answer.
‘Ahoy-hoy?’ spake the God of Recycled Catsup Bottles. ‘What didst thou sayeth? …On the rim of butter? …Really? Thou hast an ass-center?…’ And there was a really long pause. ‘I just what thou? …Da pasty white fruit salad canst find da borda, mon? …Art thou drunk?… Republicans art flushing the tuna casserole? …It sounded like thou sayeth “Guah!” …Who is this? Freeze in Hell! Damn prank calls…’
(For Hell was now called Odnohland, and as Lucifer was running up huge heating bills, the Gods of Hondo didst turn off the heat and it returneth to its original state. And it came to pass that Hell didst freeze over, and didst become a frozen wasteland, thus the pleasant sentiment, ‘Freeze in Hell!’)
And RJ didst hang up, saying unto the other Dudes: ‘Hark! This is most strange! We must have had a bad connection, for I wouldst swear I heard Lord Matt tell me I have an ass-center. I guess we will not be able to tell them that we have found a cave.’
And inside the cave, the Dudes didst find the Hyper-X Buttplate, and RJ didst equip it, for he was the only one who couldst use it.
And it came to pass that Scoot the Ko’An and the Dudes stood before a mighty tree, and along came the Monkey Man with his walking staff, and a monkey perched on his shoulder.
And the Monkey Man said unto Scoot: ‘Thou art Scoot the Ko’An, First Apostle of Hondo, art thou not?’
‘But of course,’ quoth Scoot.
And the Monkey Man didst stand there stroking his beard for a while, then said unto them: ‘If thou’rt to beat the Power of Steel, then thou must have a greater Power. Down the path doth lie a Spooky Door which leadeth to a realm of great evil; if thou goest, be thee prepared.’
‘Again with the Spooky Doors,’ quoth Yoco. ‘Wherefore must there be a Thirteenth Commandment?’
‘Art thou not the Ass-Kickin’ Apostle?’ quoth the Monkey Man. ‘I would not have pegged thee for a coward.’
‘Fear not, Yoco,’ quoth Scoot, ‘for we shalt enter all Spooky Doors, as the Gods of Hondo hath charged us. Now lead on, thou creepy old Monkey Man.’
And the Monkey Man didst lead them to a Spooky Door, and though it was the spookiest door they had ever seen, the Dudes didst enter. On the other side, the Dudes didst pass unto a misty forest.
‘Beware,’ quoth Nori, ‘for this forest is fuckin’ creepy, and I senseth evil afoot.’
‘I am glad thou’rt here to tell us these things,’ quoth Scoot.
And so they didst discuss the matter as a committee, finally deciding that the author of Dr Fu Manchu and Pleasures of Chinese Cooking shouldst also chaseth Richard Simmons with a fire extinguisher, and that there shouldst be a warning on houses with nude posters of Janet Reno or Lars Ulrich therein.
And so Scoot was pursued by Evil-Cam, which didst hunt him through forest and field, breaking branches asunder. For no one knew what Evil-Cam was, save that it didst chase people with a loud roaring sound, and they didst die if it caught up with them.
When the Dudes finally caught up with Scoot, they didst find him hanging upside down from a tree in a sacred circle of stones.
‘What the flying fuck happened to thee?’ quoth Nori as Scoot didst fall out of the tree. ‘Art thou okay?’
‘Yeah, I’m fine,’ quoth Scoot as he didst get up, ‘for Yoco hath broken my fall.’
‘Thou art welcome…’ Yoco didst mutter as he got up.
‘Holy shit!’ cried Nori. ‘No way… ’tis the HellRazor!’
For in the center of the sacred circle of stones in the clearing was a sword set in an ominous-looking stone. And it was the most evil-looking sword any of them had ever seen.
‘Dude!’ quoth Casey, ‘there is an inscription on the stone!’ And Casey didst read from the inscription: ‘Klaatu… Barada… Ni… huh?’
For the last word of the inscription was cracked and broken.
‘Oh well,’ quoth Scoot as he didst remove the sword from the stone. ‘I’m sure this shall come in handy down the way.’
And he didst take the HellRazor with him when the Dudes went on their way.
Little didst the Dudes realize that an ancient sleeping darkness had awakened…
And down the way, the Dudes were being more than they art, when they didst come upon the Monkey Man once again.
‘Scoot, didst thou find the Power I told thee of?’ quoth the Monkey Man.
‘No,’ quoth Scoot, ‘but we didst find this sword.’
‘Fishheads!’ cried the Monkey Man. ‘Didst thou sayeth the words that were inscribed upon the stone before taking the sword?’
‘Basically,’ quoth Scoot.
‘Maybe I didn’t say every single syllable of it,’ quoth Casey, ‘but I didst sayeth the part that was there.’
‘Thou fool!’ cried the Monkey Man. ‘Dost thou not understand that by taking the HellRazor without saying the words, thou raiseth hell!’
‘Is that not what the Gods of Hondo commanded us to do?’ quoth Scoot.