FicWad

If an eating disorder was cured by gaining weight, I’d be cured now. I’ve gained some weight by being here, and the hospital thinks I’m heading to the right direction and ready to go home. An eating disorder can’t be cured by only gaining weight; you need help to deal with the emotional part – something the hospital hasn’t got. They can’t even count to three, yet alone cure this obsession of mine. How come I know more of this disease than the hospital does?

I know that once I go home, I will fall back into my dark routines and starve myself back into the empty shell I was. Even how dangerous this diet is, I’m intended to keep it. I will starve myself until there’s nothing left but a shadow of what I once were.

I wear a mask everyday. This mask of lies. I want everyone to think I’m okay, even thought they clearly can see that I’m not. It’s just easier this way, in stead of dealing with the problem. I’ve never been one to deal with what’s in front of me, I tend to push it back and never really look at it until it’s too late. Is it ever going to be time to deal with this obsession of mine?

I’m exhausted from the endless dark passenger that has found its place in me a long time ago. It’s like a second person inside me that wants me to die, to struggle through life and never find peace.

This dark passenger must have found me because it saw how vulnerable I was. How much I needed it.



.-.-.-.-.-.

The only thing the hospital had done for me was setting me up with a shrink. I was dreading it; I’d never gone to therapy before, let alone even met one. Would they be able to read me, to see me for what I really am? Are they really that good?

I walk through the park as I keep thinking this. If the therapist saw me for how empty I really am, what will then happen? Will they send me to a mental institution? As these thoughts keep spinning around in my mind, I don’t even notice I’ve walked into the woods. It’s an early morning so it’s not dark, but I still don’t know how I ended up here.

I close my eyes for a second, only listening to the birds singing their melodies. It’s such a calming place this wood, I should get lost more often.

I look at my cell phone and realize I should get going to therapy. I’m already late. Not the first impression I wanted to make. I wanted to make myself look perfect; that I never missed anything and always did as I was told. Of course this wasn’t true at all, but I’d already put on my mask of lies and were ready to give a perfect first impression.

It suddenly starts raining. At first it was only small drops I didn’t even notice, but then they turned into big balloons of water. I start running, while feeling the extreme pain going through my ribs as I run as fast as I can. All of my muscles hurt; I’m so skinny that even the smallest bit of effort makes me body burn of pain.

Half an hour later I turn up in Dr. Jensen’s office. I’m soaked; my hair lies plastered down my face dripping wet, and my clothes are plastered to my body like a balloon suit.

I look at Dr. Jensen, feeling the intense glare he’s giving me. What was he thinking about me? That I was a spoiled brat that turned up late because I’d been out shopping with my dad?

But then his intense mimic suddenly turns into a smile, to my big surprise. He reach out his hand and says; “you can call me Ben.”

I look into his green eyes through his glasses. His second hand runs a hand through his two days old beard, while he stills holds out his left hand for me to grab.

I realize I’ve just stood there like an idiot and quickly reach for his hand, “I’m Jenny. And sorry I’m late…I was, uh…”

“Don’t worry,” Ben interrupt me, smiling, “you’re not the first patient who’s turned up late. I tend to have that effect on people,” he chuckles lightly. “Now, take a seat,”

I take a seat around the round table. I feel nervous; all blood left in my body is going to my head. Was he reading my thoughts? I try to shake away the hysteria of thoughts, but it’s for no use.

“So Jenny…” Ben starts, leaning over the table with his arms crossed, “I thought we should start talking about why you’re here. Today will only be a short conversation about how we will work together. Sounds okay?”

I nod. “Sounds good.”

“Your doctor send you here because you’ve got eating problems, although you’ve gained some weight while you were in the hospital. At least this is what my papers say; correct me if I’m wrong.” He looks at me for a reply, for several seconds.

“Yeah...I suppose so.” I finally say, feeling more calmed now than I was several minutes ago. I start looking out of the window, letting my thoughts drift away. I listen to the drips of the rain outside; tip tap, tip tap. Although I’m still soaked, it’s such a calmed feeling listening to the rain.

“Are you even listening?”

Tipp tap, tipp tap. Tipp tap, tipp tap. Tipp –

”Jenny?”

I suddenly awoke from my trance, feeling slightly embarrassed for disappearing like that out of a sudden. How rude of me to not listen to what he was saying. So much for the first impression…

“Sorry,” I say, “I was just…listening.”

“What happened?” He asks, frowning slightly.

I sigh, “It’s just sometimes, I have this way of escaping from difficulties. I tend to completely zoon out when it’s a subject I don’t like.”

“Alright, “He says, “then we’ll work through it.”

Half an hour later I’m done. My first therapy lesion was over. Nothing bad happened, noting like the dreadful things I’d imagined. The therapist was nice and not like the monster I’d imagined. But I was still so far from okay…Now the dark passenger was waiting for me at home, waiting to keep the obsession going.

How am I going to survive being home?



.-.-.-.-.-.