My hand slammed down on my alarm clock as it went off. I rubbed my eyes and pushed my long black hair out of my face as I got out of bed. Going down the hall to the bathroom, I slipped put of my pajama bottoms and started the shower water, catching a glimpse of my face in the mirror. My skin was as pale as ever, with light stubble coating my cheeks. My messy black hair needed cut, but I never made the effort to go out and get it done. My cheeks were rounder than I would have liked, but then so was my stomach. I frowned, I was getting to be overweight again. My eyes were blood shot from never getting enough sleep, and my teeth were slowly getting stained from so much nicotine.
I tore my eyes away from my ugly reflection and stepped under the hot water, washing myself, when I was done I shaved and lit a cigarette, taking a much needed drag, then walking out to the kitchen of my apartment to start the coffee. I looked out the apartment window, it was a dreary rainy day, fit my life perfectly didn’t it?
I looked around my kitchen, picking up yesterday’s dishes and putting them in the dishwasher, then making myself some coffee, which I drank quickly and began a second cup. I checked my cell phone, I had two messages. One was from my server, saying my bill was to be paid by tomorrow, the other was a picture message from Frank. I opened it,, to reveal a sickly cute picture of a happy little family. Frank, Jamia and Cherry and Lily, smiling and looking up at the camera, I snapped my phone shut and slipped it back into my pocket.
Don’t get me wrong, I was so happy for Frank, it just hurt me to know that I was never going to have any of that in my life. No wife to love, no little children to love and play with. I was just Gerard Way, comic writer and front man in a band. Women and men wanted me, but only for sex or money, I knew that very well.
I lit another cigarette, I usually smoke two packs a day, but today I might take it to three. Why the fuck did I care? If it kills me then so be it.
I opened up the refrigerator, it was getting empty, only a have carton of milk, some bottled water, cheese, and a weird bowl of something-maybe pudding. The cabinets were practically just as bare. Go figure, I hate going shopping, I’m almost always recognized, and I usually order take out. But now I really needed groceries, I didn’t want to run out of coffee either.
Putting on my shoes and getting my wallet and coat, I surveyed myself in the hall mirror. I probably wasn’t going to be recognized, I was dressed in jeans and a black coat, and I wasn’t exactly thin anymore.
I got my shopping done, never making eye contact with anyone in the whole store, then I drove home and threw together something to eat. I basically had the day to myself, so I went to my office to work on my comics.
I looked up from my work and checked my cell phone for the time. How the hell was it eight o’clock already? Had I really spent the whole day in here drawing? Well, it didn’t surprise me.
I made my way through my apartment, opening the door, finding a curvy young girl, in a short black min skirt and a tight My Chem tee shirt, she had bleached hair that was pixie cut and eyes encircled in eyeliner, it was Roxy, an old “friend” I haven’t seen in nearly a year, she had tried to make an acting career, but seeing that she was back showed she had failed.
“Hi Gerard.” she smiled. “Can I come in?”
“Sure.” I let her past the door and down the hall. “How have you been?”
“I’ve been around.” she said. “Didn’t make any auditions as an actress.”
“Sorry about that.” I told her, watching her eyes wash over me.
“Maybe you could cheer me up Gerard?” she whispered seductively. I knew the girl had a thing for me, I also knew she was only 22, 11 years younger then me, it’s not like we have never fooled around though, she lives in the apartment below mine, we are kind of like friends with benefits, because I know that’s all I will ever get.
“Maybe.” I smirked, I haven’t had sex in a couple years, I was going to take what I could get.
She ran her hands up my chest, stopping at my neck and pouting. “Have you been eating too many cookies while I’ve been gone?” she teased.
“Some thing like that.” I mumbled, great, I was even a tub of lard to Roxy now.
“Your still sexy.” she smiled, kissing my cheek. “How could you not be?” She played with the buttons on my shirt, slowly opening the entire shirt, running her hands up my chest and around my neck, her lips pressed to mine, I robotically kissed her back. “Come on!” she grabbed my hand and lead me to my bedroom, she closed the door and kicked off her stilettos, pulling her t-shirt over her head to reveal large full breasts encased in lacy black bra. She pushed my shirt done my shoulders and tugged me onto to bed, she began kissing me again, I felt myself growing hard. She took my hands and put them on her breasts, I squeezed them and she gave a little moan. I unclasped the bra, letting her breasts free. She un did my belt, pulling down my jeans and boxers, letting my erection come into her view. “Still big.” she smiled, taking off her skirt , showing me her black lace panties. Fuck, how could something you young and hot want me? The fucking fame, that was it.
But I ignored my rationally thinking and pushed her back on the bed, taking off her panties, letting two of my fingers slip inside her. She gasped my name as my fingers worked her warm wet hole, she had never been exactly tight, but a good fuck none the less.
“Gerard, just fuck me!” she moaned, so I pulled my fingers out of her, reaching over to the nightstand where I had condoms in the first shelf. “You won’t need that, I’m on the pill!”
I shook my head. “I’m not taking any chances.” I had, taking the condom out of the wrapper and sliding it on, I spread her legs and slid in, slamming into her, I wasn’t in the mood for mercy. It was hard, fast, and over, she screamed like the little fucking whore she was. I took off the used condom and threw it away, she gathered and her clothes and shoes and left, just like that. It had meant nothing, and it never will, just a quick fuck.
I felt dirty and disgusting as I lit another cigarette, I lay in bed and let silent tears fall down my cheeks.
“Motherfucker!” I gasped as I felt like ice water was being thrown on me. I opened my eyes to find that I was standing in the bedroom, but me- another me in was still laying in the bed, smoking and crying. It was just like at the hospital.
I jumped, turning around to see my spirit guide standing there innocently.
“What the hell was that?” I demanded. “I just lived a day of my life, but that’s not my life!”
She nodded. “It is a life you would have had, if you did not make a decision with a very important person Gerard.”
“I………….Lindsey?” I whispered, she nodded her head.
When I think about it, if it wasn’t for Lindsey, my life probably would be shitty like this. I loved her like mad, her and Bandit were my world. Lindsey was the one I fell in love with, and the one who loves me like no one else ever can, she understands me, we have a connection that no one but us can understand. She keeps me together, while kept, makes sure I eat right and doesn’t let me chain smoke. After marrying her, I had never envisioned life without her, until now.
“I don’t want this life!” I gestured to the me on the bed. “Please I want my life! I want my wife, my baby girl, my friends, my band, please! I get what you are saying, I’d be a mother fucking mess without Lindsey and my daughter, I love them, I want my real life back.”
“Relax Gerard.” she told me. “Take my hand, I want to show you something.”
I shook my head. “You think I really want to go through this shit again? No, I don’t want to take your hand, I want my life back!”
She sighed and closed the distance between us, coming uncomfortably close, she laid her hand gently on my cheek, looking up into my eyes. Whoa, If it was the last thing I needed was this lady- not even real- to be coming on to me. “Hey I have a wife who I love and-”
“Gerard, relax I don’t want you in that way.” her lips smiled but then became serious. “But you need to trust me right now, take my hand, I want to take you back to a fond memory of yours.”
“A fond memory?” I questioned.
“Considerably fond.” she shrugged her small shoulders, she stepped back and held out her hand. I sighed, anything had to be better then this, so I took her small hand.
Again I felt the shivering ice-water-through-my-body feeling and I was standing in the middle of the My Chem tour bus, I could tell it was late at night, I could Ray softly snoring from the bunks room, and it was just Frank and I sitting on the couch talking.
“You have no idea how happy I am your come cleaning.” Frank was saying, holding my wrist like someone would hold my hand, but he liked holding my wrist, why? I would never know.
Instantly I remembered when this took place, two days after I had agreed I wanted to become clean and sober, and I was doing it while we were on tour too. I could see the sincerity in Frank’s eyes, It made my heart hurt to know he was blaming himself for my coma.
On the other hand, the me on the couch looked like shit. I was a bit chubby back then, and my hair desperately needed washed.
“I know you all wanted me to do this.” the me on the couch was telling Frank. “I’m sorry it took me so long to see that, I’ve spent the past three years so fucked up I barely saw anything, I’m sorry I’m such a fuck up!” I heard my voice crack at the last word. Frank pulled me into a tight hug as I bit to keep back tears.
“Gerard, you are not a fuck up.” Frank said, looking me in the eyes.
“But I am!” I said weakly.
Frank leaned in and pressed his lips to mine In a sweet comforting kiss. “No Gee, your not.”
Suddenly, my spirit guide was pulling me off the tour bus and into the bus stop where we were parked, her black dress trailing in the wind.
“Why did you show me that?” I demanded.
“Gerard, what if that was a path you choose to proceed in?”
“Oh, fuck.” I whispered, knowing what I was in for.
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