The morning after...
I had managed to bring myself this far for 3 years, and I'm suddenly back in this world...the world I wasn't sure if I wanted to be in again.
I slowly turned my head to see the bed empty. The sheets crumpled in result of the body leaving the bed.
"Of course." I couldn't help but mutter.
"You're the biggest dumb-" I stopped short of my next sentence as I heard Asia giggle while I automatically sat up. I wasn't surprised to find myself nude while I rolled my eyes and got up only to bend down and grab my bra and panties that were discarded from last night's event. I brushed my hair with my fingers and took a deep breath while I walked into the living room, finding Asia laughing madly while sitting on Bob's lap as he tickled her.
"Stop it daddy!" she giggled as I half smiled, she had finally figured it out. The bad part, I would have to hear that word from now on. Kids don't just forget about such an important word.
I saw Bob's eyes sparkle as it was obvious he was still shocked to hear that simple word come out of her little mouth as he smiled. He let her go as she stopped squirming and smiled. He kissed her head before he looked up at me while I gave him a blank look. I sure as hell wasn't going to pretend like everything was dandy.
"Asia love, will you be a good girl and watch Dora for me? Me and mommy need to talk about something." he said to her as she nodded, thinking nothing of it while she plopped on the floor Indian style and watched that cute little Spanish girl on TV.
Bob walked towards me as I motioned him to follow me back in the bedroom as I sat on the bed where he joined me.
"So...?" he asked me as I looked at him.
"Well...you're still here." I teased with a half smile as he looked at me with a less than amused expression as I frowned and looked at the floor.
"What do you want me to say?" I answered honestly. He rolled his eyes before he thew his hands out.
"What do you think? Tell me how you feel. How you really feel." he replied softly as I looked at the beige carpet before I shook my head.
"I don't know." I whispered once more.
"Damn it Tissa, cut this shit out already." he snapped at me as I lifted my head up shocked.
"What?" I whispered.
"You're mind games are starting to piss me off." he replied as I gasped.
"Mind games? Mind games?! I'm not playing any fucking mind games." I snapped back as I quickly composed myself after his expression turned hard and cold. I never felt so small as I bit my lip.
"Am I happy you're here? Yes." I said truthfully. "Do I regret last night? Yes." I said again as he shook his head as I grabbed his wrist softly.
"I only regret it because I don't know if it was what we really wanted. I mean we haven't worked out a solid plan that benefits both us and Asia." I added as he looked at with a helpless look.
"What the hell do you think I've been trying to do for the past month Tissa? I've done nothing but spend time here with Asia and you. I don't understand why you have to be like this."
"Like what?" I asked irritated.
"This!" he retorted as he pointed his finger at me.
"You're never going to let it go are you?" he whispered as I felt tears fill my eyes once more.
"You don't understand how hard-"
"How fucking hard was it Tissa?" he said angrily as I started to cry, not liking how this was going.
"I hurt you, I know that okay? You've done nothing but shove it in my face, and I don't know how to make you see different." he said truthfully.
"What is it going to take to make you understand that I absolutely regret hurting you the way I did and I accept the consequences. But I am NOT the same person I used to be." he said with gritted teeth as I started to tremble with sobs that I didn't know why they were coming out.
"You don't think I see that?!" I cried out to him. "It took me three years to repair my very own relationship between me myself and I. Do you really expect me to fix our relationship overnight?"
"Of course not, but you can at least give me the benefit of the doubt?" he asked to me as I stood silent as he waited for me to speak before he scoffed and shook his head.
"You're really not going to let this go." he said nodding before he laughed. "No, you know what it is? You fucking know I'm right." he told me as I glared at him.
"How are you right?" I snapped back at him feeling myself get heated as he glared back.
"You know things are different and that terrifies you because you'd be letting you're guard down once again. You're using this as a security blanket because that's all you know how to do." he said nodding as I stiffened.
"That's not true." I said hurt.
"Yes it is Tissa! You know why you're really afraid? Because you know you're falling me as I am for you. You think you can never love again, but your mind is telling you different and that worries you." he replied as I couldn't take it and stood up.
"I'm done." I said shaking my head and walking to the door when he grabbed my wrist and yanked me back.
"You're not walking out on me and I'm not walking out on you." he whispered as I felt my throat go raw and my heart turn numb as I sobbed once more as he pulled me into his arms while I continued to cry into his chest while he held me.
"It's okay Tissa. It's really okay. Trust me, I'm begging you." he added as I couldn't control the panicking feeling that overtook my body as I was afraid I was having a nervous breakdown. He kept repeating those words over and over until it was permanently stitched into my brain.
And for one single second...
I believed him.