The Return of Shmiles Shmowen the Damned
Thou art reading the Book of Hondo. Now back to the story:
In Sector 7-G there lived a man who was called Whaaazup, and he was hated throughout the land, for everyone was tired of hearing his name over and over again.
And so it came to pass that an angry mob didst drag poor Whaaazup into the street and stoned him. Then didst the mob lynch Whaaazup’s mother and father, Howzit-goin and Salutations, for being stupid enough to name their son Whaaazup. After that, the mob didst turn on Whaaazup’s brothers, Yo and Word, and his sisters, Howza and Whatchadoin, all were killed by the mob.
Only Whaaazup’s adopted brother, Ahoy-hoy, didst escape the Great Greetings Massacre.
And Ahoy-hoy begat Thomas the Warrior Princess (for the operation was a success). And Thomas the Warrior Princess begat Gehazi the Trendy, and there the lineage of Miles of the Mowen stopped, for no one didst believe the line of Ahoy-hoy would ever amount to much.
And it came to pass that no one knoweth (or careth) who begat Miles of the Mowen.
One day, as Miles was riding to town to sell his ass and make some money, he came upon the Dudes going faster by not going slower.
‘Who art thou, and whither art thou going?’ quoth Miles.
‘Who art thou and whither art thou going, thyself,’ quoth the Dude with the staff.
‘And who the fuck art thou to ask us anyway?’ demanded the Faerie who was with them. ‘Dost thou not realize thou’rt speaking to Scoot the motherfuckin’ Ko’An? Hello? Ever hear of the Ass-Kickin’ Apostle of Hondo?’
‘I am Miles of the Mowen,’ quoth Miles, ‘and I am on my way to Frisco to sell mine ass. I am told thou canst fetch top dollar for a good ass in Frisco.’
‘Thou still hath not answered my question, shit-for-brains,’ quoth the Faerie.
‘I am the owner of these here lands, so I ask thee again, who art thou, and whither art thou going?’ Miles didst answer.
‘I am called Scoot the Ko’An, and these art the Dudes,’ quoth Scoot. ‘Surely thou hast heard of us. The Gods of Hondo hath charged us to find the Thing with the Stuff.’
‘Aye, I have,’ quoth Miles. ‘So thou art Scoot the Ko’An, and Casey, and Yoco, and Booby, and Adria, and Dirty Uncle Orty, and… uh… that Faerie Dude!’
‘Nori!’ screeched Nori. ‘I am Nori the Cursing Faerie, thou fuck-up son of a motherfucking, fart-sucking, ass-banging bitch!’
‘Whatever,’ quoth Miles.
‘Dammit!’ cried Nori.
‘Ye called…’ spake the God of Dammit as the Gods of Hondo didst pull up in their fucked-up Geo. And before Nori couldst summon up another colorful barrage of insults, the Dudes didst pile in.
‘ ’Tis the Gods of Hondo!’ cried Miles. ‘I have always wanted to meet thee!’
‘Quick! Let us away!’ spake the God of Flirting.
But Miles didst manage to sneak aboard.
‘We the Gods of Hondo have considered thy request,’ spake the God of Outer Space Meditating, ‘and have decided that thou, Miles of the Mowen, shalt never be allowed to join the Dudes.’
‘Furthermore,’ spake the God of Odnoh, ‘from this day forward, thy name shalt be called Shmiles Shmowen the Damned as a reminder of thy banishment from Hondo.’
‘But… but… but…’ quoth Miles.
‘Sorry,’ spake the God of Sex, ‘but we already have a Myles.’
‘But he doth not even believe in thee…’
‘And I still don’t believe it!’ quoth Myles the Unbeliever.
‘Ye heard the man,’ spake the God of Hawai’ian Shirts. And he didst throw Smiles Shmowen out of the car.
And the Gods of Hondo didst peel out, leaving Shmiles Shmowen standing there picking his nose.
‘Dost thou not realize that is Shmiles Shmowen the Damned?’ spake the God of Droppin’ Science. ‘He hath been cursed, so he may never join the Dudes!’
‘Good save,’ quoth Scoot.
‘Thou hast no idea how close ye came to falling under his terrible curse,’ spake the God of Orange Juice Drinking.
‘Since we knoweth that most of thee wouldst have trouble keeping up with Scoot on the Endless Highway at this point,’ spake the Goddess, ‘we shall give thee a lift to the end.’
‘Wait a minute!’ cried Nori, for Count Chocula™, David and Heidi were all riding with them. ‘There art more people in this car than ever! But the last time we rode with thee, Yoco had to sit on my lap! What flying monkey fuck is going on here?’
‘Did we not tell thee this car hath multiple dimensions?’ spake the God of Sex. ‘No matter how many people getteth in, there shalt always be just enough room for everyone.’
‘Yeah right!’ quoth Casey, for his legs didst hang out the passenger side window.
‘Ye fit, didn’t ye?’ spake Heidi.
And so the Gods of Hondo didst give the Dudes a lift to the end of the Endless Highway.
Canst the Dudes holdeth their breath long enough to reach their destination? Was there any point at all to this chapter? Find out in the next pimpin’-fresh chapter of the Book of Hondo!