The second book in the series. Anyone who loved the first book will like this one. Anyone who hated the first book will dislike this one. Warning: Contains idiocy. You have been warned.
"I have a master, but you can be mine instead if you feed me a sock", chattered Dopey. Hairy had to think about it.
"Okay, sure", replied Hairy.
"Oh thank you, Hairy Plunger! You have forever made me happy. Your wish is my command!" Squealed Dopey.
"You can start by keeping quiet".
"Why would Dopey EVER. KEEP. QUIET?!"
"Because Uncle Vermin thinks I'm insane enough already".
"Oh, that does it! Let me beat up that knucklehead!"
As much as Hairy would get into trouble, he laughed at the prospect. Luckily he didn't, because Run and his brothers Who-Must-Not-Be-Named bailed Hairy out with their flying monster truck.
Hairy was glad not to have to deal with Dopey anymore. So Hairy and the Weasel brothers rode off and arrived at the Weasel house and Hairy was greeted by the crazy lady.
"So nice of you to join us, Hairy", said the crazy lady wearing an evil smile. Hairy was okay with it because he knew she meant well.
Just then, the little girl Hairy saw year one ran up to Hairy and glomped him. He noted that she was a year older than last year, but still a year younger than Hairy.
"Like OMG, is that U, Hairy P.? I didn't notice you last year, but this year you're undeniably noticeable", said the little girl in a teenage girl voice.
"I'm glad I'm noticed", Hairy replied.
"OMG, my bad! I never said my name! It's Jenny. Jenny Weasel".
Hairy nodded and noticed that Run and Her had pets. Oh, and Her was also at the Weasel's house.
"This is my cat, Chemistry! Say 'hi', Chemistry!" said Her, introducing her cat. Her's cat said nothing.
"I've got a mouse named Rabies! It likes to bite things!" Shouted Run, although slightly quieter than normal.
Run and Her obviously knew of Hairy's pet owl, so Hairy didn't bother explaining. Hairy's owl's name was Earwig, but that's not important.
So the next day, everyone separated to get school supplements. Hairy went to buy the second Harry Potter book when suddenly he saw an overly handsome man who went by the name Squall Lockheart. The only problem was that he was clearly bald and just wearing a wig. Even so, he had fans.
"Ooooh, look what we have here, ladies! It's Hairy Plunger, here to marvel at my glory!" Exclaimed Squall proudly.
"Actually, just here to buy some books", was Hairy's reply.
"My books, by any chance?"
"You'll regret those words, Hairy Plunger!" He bellowed.
Hairy also saw Dragon's dad, Lustful Malford, but he didn't talk to him. Because of that conversation with Squall Lockheart, he missed the train that everyone else (except Run) boarded. Run and Hairy banded together to run into the wall and reach the train on time, but to no avail. The wall was actually a wall this time around.
So kids these days will try anything. Hairy and Run stole Run's Brothers-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named's monster truck and flew off. Everything was fine until they got close to Warthogs. Then they suddenly crashed into the Wispy Woods tree. They lived, but the monster truck didn't. Run sang "We are the Champions" (by Queen) in remembrance of the truck.
Hairy and Run ran and settled in Grip a Door. Also, the sorting cat said that Jenny is in Crowbar.
Next day, Warthogs was a school. This year, Professor McDonalds teaches Necromancy and Squall Lockheart teaches Dark Arts. Also, Haggard now teaches a nature class. Professor Rape still does Potions (Chemistry).
Squall Lockheart cannot teach, and even Run knew that. But what Run didn't know was that there was a crying ghost called Aroused April in the bathrooms. Also, there was blood writing on the walls.
"I'M ALL OUT OF STRAWBERRY JELLY!
Everyone panicked. Except Dragon. He sneered.
"You Mug-bloods ought to stop half mugging people if you knew stuff", spoke Dragon.
Hairy punched Dragon because he thought that sounded like an insult. Her was not offended. Professor Rape caught Hairy and Dragon fighting and gave them both detention. Haggard gave it to them as well.
For Haggard's detention, Hairy and Dragon had to walk a dog while being chased by giant spiders. That was rather easy and Dragon had a renewed friendship with Hairy.
The next day, a fat kid got paralyzed, so Her deduced that it had to do with the monster from the Halls of Gossip.
"If we want to learn stuff about the Hallways of Gossip, we should look like Dragon's two friends", suggested Her.
"How do we do that?" Asked Hairy.
"Silly, I've got chemistry with wand powers, I can make a chemistry soup that makes you and Run look like people".
" INGREDIENTS MAY INCLUDE FROG! Shouted Run.
With that said, frogs were dumped and Her became a furry for a month. While Her recovered, Hairy played Spinach only to get hurt by an illegal ball. Hairy had stringy arms due to hurt. Dopey then appeared. It was now obvious-- The ball was Dopey's doing.
"I'm sorry you're in the hospital, Master, but I didn't want you to get hurt", whimpered Dopey.
"It's okay, Dopey", said Hairy.
"But hey, I've got news! You're in grave danger!"
"Hairy made a note of that.
"I order you not to hurt me anymore", announced Hairy.
"But if I don't hurt you, you'll get hurt. I don't want you to get hurt".
And with that said, Dopey disappeared. luckily Her ran in with a great discovery.
"The thing that's been paralyzing things or killing them is called a Basil Lips!" Announced Her.
At that moment, a scream was uttered. It turns out the Basil Lips killed St. Nick, but St. Nick was alright because he was already dead. Hairy desperately chased down the Basil Lips right after he no longer had stringy arms.
Going down a toilet seat, Run and Hairy found the Halls of Gossip, but before they could go in, Squall intercepted them.
"LOOK AT MY BEAUTY, HAIRY!" Roared the gorgeous Squall.
Run held up a mirror and Squall lost his memory. Then Hairy and Run jumped down to catch the Basil Lips and find out who has been writing in blood. Everything was going fine until Run saw a shiny object, so Hairy went off on his own. Finally, he saw a big place.
As it turns out, The Riddler was there. Well, the kid version of The Riddler, because there was a copy of him. The Riddler is the true identity of Murdermart, He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Talked-About. Oh, also Jenny was there. She looked lifeless.
"Hello, Plunger boy! Jenny has been reading my diary, therefore her soul is mine", said The Riddler.
"You're the Riddler!", argued Hairy.
"No, I'm Murdermart in the future!"
"You already are!"
"Fine! I didn't want to be him anyways. Now you will die!"
"That sounds painful".
"Now prepare yourself, Hairy! Not even Dumbelldork can save you now!"
Just then the sorting cat fell down from out of nowhere and landed on its feet. Hairy pulled the sword of Grip a Door out of the sorting cat and slayed the Basil Lips. He then used the Basil Lips's tooth to attack The Riddler's diary.
"No! You have no idea how much time I put into my diary! I'm melting!" Cried The Riddler.
"Good", replied Hairy.
"You still love me, right Jenny?" Asked The Riddler before he disappeared.
Jenny had her soul now, so she replied.
"Ew, you're a creep!" Remarked Jenny.
With that, Hairy, Jenny, and Run (with a new found shiny object) escaped the Halls of Gossip.
The next day, Dumbelldork gave Grip a Door a new door for their bravery. Before Hairy left, he had something important to say to Dopey. Conveniently, Dopey appeared.
"Listen Dopey, I have something I need to tell you", began Hairy.
"What is it Master?" Asked Dopey.
"You're fired. I don't want you as a servant anymore. You're a terrible servant and I'd rather not get killed. Thus, you are free".
"Can we still be friends?"
And with that said, Hairy returned to his Aunt and Uncle.