the Iron Pacifist
And in this once-peaceful land they found a woman being beaten by soldiers.
‘Excuseth me,’ quoth Scoot as he didst knock one of the soldiers aside, ‘but what seemeth to be the problem here?’
‘Stay thee out of this!’ quoth the leader of the soldiers. ‘ ’Tis none of thy concern. This woman refuseth to pay us for protection.’
‘And who sayeth she must pay thee anything?’ demanded Scoot.
‘Sayeth the General,’ quoth the soldier. ‘He shalt be running things for the duration. Now I warn thee to stay out of this, or thou shalt also face our wrath!’
‘Keep thy wrath to thyself,’ quoth Scoot, for he knew that a duration could be a very long time. ‘Thou art cowards, ganging up on just one person. Let us see how ye bullies doeth against someone who fighteth back!’
‘Punk, ye don’t scare us,’ quoth the soldier.
‘I shouldst warn ye,’ quoth Scoot. ‘Ye don’t stand a chance against me.’
‘Yeah!’ quoth McBean, ‘for that’s the Ass-Kickin’ Apostle of Hondo! Scoot couldst take all of thee himself!’
And so Scoot didst power up—
‘Please!’ cried the woman. ‘Don’t do this! We art pacifists. The others wilt not support violence on our behalf.’
‘Of all the stupid, fuckin’…’ quoth Nori. ‘Scoot, remembereth thou what the Gods of Hondo said unto thee about the people’s support!’
‘Now ye tell me,’ quoth Scoot.
And the soldier didst smack him.
‘Is that the best ye can do?’ Nori taunted him, for his blow didst not even phaseth Scoot.
And Scoot didst turn the other cheek, and the soldier didst smack him again.
‘Ha! Is that how thou get’st thy girlfriend to show thee respect, thou woman-bashing, bitch-slapping, tailpipe-fucking male-slut!’
‘Nori!’ quoth Scoot, for he didst now slap his ass at the soldier. ‘Knock it off! I’m rapidly running out of cheeks to turn!’
And so it came to pass that the soldier didst kick Scoot’s ass.
‘Some Ass-Kickin’ Apostle thou turneth out to be!’ laughed the soldier as he and his men didst walk away. ‘He canst not even fight his own battles! The General wilt be pleased to know that his enemies art such weaklings!’
‘Well, that was fun…’ muttered Scoot as he didst get up. ‘Nori, couldst thou possibly thinketh up anymore ways to embarrass me whilst thou’rt at it?’
‘I shall try,’ quoth Nori.
‘So how dost thou propose to liberate people who wilt not even fighteth for their own freedom?’ quoth Yoco.
‘Yeah,’ quoth Casey, ‘for thou may’st enjoy getting thine ass kicked, but we Dudes findeth it so humiliating.’
‘Ye must understandeth,’ quoth the woman, ‘our ancestors were powerful warriors, and they didst cause much harm to the other peoples of the land. One day, they didst decide not to use their power anymore, and since that day our people have been Pacifists.’
‘Call thy people together,’ quoth Scoot, ‘for I may knoweth a way to stop this dictator.’
And so she didst call all of the people of the land together, and Scoot didst rally them together and speak unto them.
And it came to pass that Scoot didst amass an army of militant pacifists (props Jim Lindberg), and together they didst march on the Presidential Palace.
With drums and bagpipes didst the mighty throng of nonviolent people drive off the enemy.
And they didst try to holdeth the Dudes off at the walls, but enemy’s systems didst run on Windows 95, and since what the Dudes were doing was an illegal operation, the system didst lock up and stop running.
Once inside the Palace, Scoot didst take the floor before the General couldst, for according to the law of the land, whoever hath the floor first couldst speak for as long as he pleaseth.
‘Four score and seven BTUs ago, Lord Matt spake unto Moses: “have thee three cans of beans,” and he didst come back the next day— “Big fart, no chief…” ’ And Scoot didst power up, and it came to pass that he didst filibuster the General to death.
Even the Gods of Hondo didst fall asleep during the many long days of Scoot’s impossibly boring and pointless speech.
And so Scoot was dragged off, still ranting and raving about how men wouldst one day mineth green cheese from the moon, even after he won, and the people’s peaceful leader was again restored to the throne, and it came to pass that on the seventh day, Scoot rested.
In honor of Scoot’s bizarre victory, the people didst give him the title of the Iron Pacifist. Though Scoot was a warrior, they knew he wouldst always lend a nonviolent hand to help them.
And it came to pass that the Gods of Hondo didst appear before the Dudes as Tweedle-Dum and Tweedle-Dee, and Tweedle-Dee— er, Matt— said unto them: ‘Hail, Dudes! Thou hast completed yet another labor. But a long road doth still lie ahead of thee.’
And the God of All Things Found Under Couch Cushions didst yawn, and said unto them: ‘Great speech, Scoot. ’Twas positively riveting. Ye had me on the edge of my seat. I just, um, (yawn) needeth to take a nap.’
‘Now we hath a new labor for thee,’ spake the God of Monosodium Difluouroacetic Acid. ‘The stranger hath challenged thee to stayeth awake for ten minutes of MTV’s Real World.’
‘Thou must be shittin’ us!’ cried Nori. ‘How couldst he demandeth something so monstrous?’
‘But why canst we not watcheth it on thy cool TV?’ quoth Brian Fritz.
‘Wouldst thou liketh to hook it up?’ spake the God of Attention Deficits.
And it came to pass that the Demigod David didst appear and useth his technical know-how, which he didst learn in a high school electrical class on a middle-school curriculum, to fixeth the entertainment center of the Gods so it didst work again.
And so, without pretense, the Dudes didst set out to findeth their own TV to complete their next labor.