The Whistling Assassin
The Man Who Saw Dead People begat Birsha. And Birsha begat the Man with the Red Right Hand. And the Man with the Red Right Hand begat Amraphel. And Amraphel begat the Monkey Man.
And the Monkey Man begat Zuzim. And Zuzim begat G I Joe the Eskimo. And G I Joe the Eskimo begat Ashteroth. And Ashteroth begat the Shithouse Poet. And the Shithouse Poet begat Chedor-la’omer. And Chedor-la’ omer begat the Anti-Myth-Rhythm-Rock-Shocka.
And the Anti-Myth-Rhythm-Rock-Shocka begat Kirhar’aseth. And Kirhar’aseth begat Hazeon-tamar the Commie. And Hazeon-tamar the Commie begat Shinab. And Shinab begat Kadesh the Disappearing Boy. And Kadesh the Disappearing Boy begat Tidal.
And Tidal begat Zumbi. And Zumbi begat Karna’im. And Karna’im begat Zeboi’im. And Zeboi’im begat Kiriatha’im. And Kiriatha’im begat Athos, Porthos and Harrison Ford…
Aww, fuck it! Let us skip to the good part!
…And Ellasar IV begat Bardock. And Bardock begat Elparan. And Elparan begat Arioch, who didst wear an onion on his belt, for that was the style at the time. And Arioch begat Mr Mystery.
And Mr Mystery begat Shaveh. And Shaveh begat Shemeber. And Shemeber begat Repha’im the Hippie. And Repha’im the Hippie begat Shinar. And Shinar begat Bera. And Bera begat Richard.
And it came to pass one day whilst Richard was walking down the road that he came upon a party of eight people and a Faerie, and they were traveling with two farting chickens.
‘…But why canst Scoot not just mate with Skidmarks?’ quoth the young woman at the head of the party. ‘Scoot, please? ’Tis for the survival of the endangered farting chicken. Please?’
And Scoot didst continue to refuse.
‘Wouldst that not be a violation of the Second Commandment?’ quoth the tall one.
‘First,’ quoth a fat man walking with them, ‘Scoot hath also been transformed into a chicken, not a rooster.’
‘So,’ quoth the Faerie, ‘thou’rt a fucking dumbass. Scoot may be a farting chicken, but going les shall not solve thy problems.’
‘Scoot go les!’ cried the fat one, and he didst give a great belly laugh. ‘That is seriously wrong!’
‘But… but… but…’
But before Adria couldst maketh another argument, Richard didst ask of them: ‘Who art thou, that thou speaketh of such fucked-up things?’
‘We art the Dudes,’ quoth the fat one. ‘I am called Oreamnos Americanus, the Sacrificial Goat of Hondo, and that is Scoot the Ko’An, the Ass-Kickin’ Apostle. He hath not been himself lately.’
‘So that’s the Ass-Kickin’ Apostle…’ quoth Richard, for he had heard of the Dudes. ‘He doth not look so tough in person.’
And it came to pass that before the Dudes couldst introduce themselves, they were overtaken by a fell figure, and he was walking along, softly whistling the old Alfred Hitchcock theme.
‘Lo and behold!’ cried the fat one as he saw him. ‘ ’Tis the Whistling Assassin!’
For there was none more obvious than the one who doth whistle.
‘Wait one fucking minute here!’ quoth Nori. ‘Thou’rt one of the Mushroom Thieves!’
‘But I thought thou wert all sucked into the vortex when Naginata imploded!’ cried Yoco.
‘Remember that No-Shoh doth always run away. I didst merely tag along with him,’ quoth the Whistling Assassin. ‘He refuseth to show himself anymore, but I, Yari the Whistling Assassin, shall avenge Naginata by killing all of thee!’
‘Wait thee another fucking minute!’ quoth Nori. ‘Assassins? I thought thou’rt the Mushroom Thieves!’
‘Why canst we do both?’ quoth Yari. ‘ ’Tis a good cover, don’t ye think? Now, hast thou anymore stupid questions before I destroy thee?’
‘No,’ quoth Nori. ‘Dudes, powereth up and beateth that biz-nitch!’
‘Wait!’ quoth Yoco, ‘for I haveth an idea!’
And the Dudes didst feed Scoot some K-F-C.
‘Cannibal!’ cried Adria.
And Scoot didst fidget and blast, but ’twas of no avail against Yari, for he didst simply putteth on a gas mask.
‘Great! Just fucking great!’ cried Nori. ‘Now what the fuck art we supposed to do?’
‘Ha!’ quoth Richard as he didst step forward. ‘Leaveth him to me! I shall take care of this beeyatch!’
‘Beeyatch?’ quoth Yari. ‘Moi?’
‘Put up or shut up.’
And Richard didst power up.
‘Thy Kung Fu is old!’ cried Richard. ‘Now thou must die!’
And it came to pass that Richard didst beat the shiz-nit out of the Whistling Assassin.
‘Get thee over here, thou punk ho!’ cried Richard as he didst kick Yari. ‘I have a size sixteen to put up thine ass!’
And Yari didst go up, but he didst not come back down. And such was the end of Yari, the Whistling Assassin.
And there was much rejoicing.
‘That’s one badass dude!’ cried Nori. ‘He really knoweth where his fuckin’ towel is!’
And Scoot didst lay an egg.
‘ ’Tis a sign!’ cried Adria.
‘What the fuck is this!?’ cried the God of Bug-Eyed Rat-Dogs as he didst appear before them as a big ugly Olmec head. ‘This canst not be! I must fixeth this!’
And he didst turn Richard into Scoot the Ko’An.
And it came to pass that another big ugly Olmec head didst appear, along with the stranger.
And the stranger didst cry out in frustration when he saw that Scoot was still alive.
And so Derrick didst take the stranger back with him.
‘Whew, that was close,’ spake the God of the Twelve Tribes. ‘Richard, if anyone doth ask thee, ’twas Scoot the Ko’An who didst defeat Yari, for we all know he would have if we the Gods of Hondo had remembered to change him back to his original form. Dost thou promise us?’
And Richard didst promise the Gods of Hondo that he wouldst not reveal the truth about that which had come to pass that day, and as the Gods of Hondo knew him to be a man of honor, they didst transform him back to his original shape.
And then the God of Amusing Anecdotes didst turn Scoot back to his old self as well.
And there was much rejoicing.
‘Feel free to run with us anytime,’ quoth Scoot, ‘for thou hast what it taketh to be a Dude. Thy help is welcome any time.’
‘Perhaps I shall,’ quoth Richard, ‘but for now I shall continue my life of solitary training and meditation. Some day I join thee, Scoot the Ko’An, for I see that thou hast what it taketh to be a true hero, wouldst that thou’rt a little taller…’
And it came to pass that Richard didst go forth on his way, walking silently down the road of life.