Oh is it really so hard? Gerard goes for his first session with Shane, as promised
Sunday: A day never to forget. The start of a whole new life in many ways. A fresh beginning for adversaries with not-so hidden agendas and the day someone prepared to let themself be used. In other words, the plummet downwards at the end of a comparitvely high climb.
GERARD: I knocked on the door, anxious for a good look around. I was still pretty impressed with myself for turning up, though I knew the one thing that drove me to his flat. Both of us wanted this frienship for other reasons, so strangely, it could work in it's twisted way. The door opened and I was led inside. Oddly, entering this new place made me want to throw away the previously crappy day. And Shane held the key, as I held his, though if I knew what he planned to do with it... It's like I wanted to toss my life down the drain!
"Gerard! Come in." Shane welcomed. The fake tones we used were entertainingly polite.
I took a seat and slid off my jacket.
"You hungry? I sure am thirsty as well." I was in a calmer mood, so I could put up with the innocent play we were putting on instead of demanding for my substances. It was clear to each of us what we were here for but the facade seemed almost obligatory.
"Uh yeah. Thirsty, mostly. Can I...?" I gestured to the TV and Shane nodded at his messy kitchen counter. He was microwaving a pizza box, jabbing angrily at the buttons.
"Take beer?" he called out.
"Yeah, beer's great." I examined the new-looking remote control. It was new looking, but battered. Maybe it had been dropped.
It wasn't long before Shane plonked the open box of magma-heated pizza down, sat on his sofa, and set cans of beer on the coffee table before us, pushing newspapers off onto the floor.
He stretched out, seeming totally at ease with me near. It only made him look taller too, he must be a decnet 6ft 4 perhaps?!
"Nothing gets better than this, huh?" Shane grinned, his expression saying quite the opposite.
I attempted to be relaxed too.
"Nope." When would the subject change to Shane's good feauture: his drugs?
I began to settle down too, in the simplistic entertainment of palying house with this adversary. To an outsider's eye it may of looked like we were perfectly good friends, but inside we were calculating, plotting to get what we actually wanted from this. I was going to get what I wanted in exchange for acouple of meet-ups, it would all be good, clean and totally fine by the end of it. Right?
After a few minutes of us watching some drama show, I spoke up.
"Oh man Shane, it's been such a shit day. Ever wish you could forget it all?" It was true but also a hint. I'd not pour my heart out to him like that for no reason.
"Oh, really?" Shane smiled, knowing what I was hinting at without having to read too far into my words. We didn't want to say it aloud but I was here for drugs and Shane had me here to 'build the whole friendship' as it seemed.
I may well have shouted what I really meant, but keeping up the friendly facade seemed more professional and mroe entertaining, in it's dark way.
"I have shit for that." Shane added perkily.
"What kinds?" Neither of us turned to face each other, stared blankly at the flickering images in front of us. I was too anxious and worked up to take notice of what I was watching. I was merely planning my words carefully.
"It'll cost you. Let me meet Frank and, or, Mikey. Just once this time."
"Go for it." I resigned, not knowing the true cost of our deal. He knew what would happen if I found out he tried anything funny. Shane almost seemed trustworthy about that. I grit my teeth. I was giving Shane what he wanted, but I had to forget that. I was getting what I wanted too, I'd just have to ensure my possesion of Frank and Mike. That should be easy enough.
"You sure are something... I'll bring something through. You snort or smoke or...?"
"Bring the lot." I said in an even more resigned tone. This is what I want. Sure, this is what he wants, it's costing me more but it doesn't matter, we're co-existing now.
Shane emerged from another room minutes later, holding a few clear doggie-bags.
One filled with paper like material, some stuffed with 'home-made' cigarettes and a few bags of white-ish powder.
"Take what you want, just don't die. Shake first!" I slowly shook Shane's hand, observing the bags before me. This is not his power over me. I have a stronger ownership over what Shane wants. Far stronger. I told myself I was winning this little battle. No drugs would distract me from Frank and Mikey, and I was sure Shane didn't know that.
"Those, and a line of that."
Shane produced a lighter from his pocket and undid the bags of cigarettes and powdery stuff. Coke or spliff... Not too great on names admittedly. I just know shit's good, that's how I judge it. I'm blind, completely stuipd but at the time, all I could see were the seeminlgy 'wonderful' places the drugs would take me, and I'd see that many more years in my life. Even now, it was so stupid to cave in to Shane, but at the time I was sure I was winning.
He sat back and watched as I helped myself, suddenly feeling timid and like a young kid in my inexperience. Unsure if I came across as small as I felt.
I poured a thin line of coke up the side of my arm, observing as I shook pretty badly already and shot a glance at Shane.
"Light my fag, quick." I wheezed. I looked down again and pressed one nostril down to snort up the line on my arm with all my strength. I coughed and my nose stang for a few moments, it felt like it would bleed and I blindly snatched my cigarette off Shane. It felt like the inside of my head was starting to fizz away, it was crazy and just the danger I longed for.
I took a long drag before anything really kicked off. It started with juddering and anxious-ness.
Defeat. I'd been beaten. If only I was sober enough to see that grin on his face.