Categories > Original > Humor > The Book of Hondo

Kamehameha 7

by shadesmaclean 0 Reviews

Yaarrr! Pirates Off the Starboard Armrest!

Category: Humor - Rating: PG-13 - Genres: Fantasy,Humor - Characters:  - Warnings: [V] - Published: 2010/12/15 - Updated: 2010/12/15 - 1718 words - Complete

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And it came to pass that as the Dudes were remembering the Days of Kaméhaméha, to keepeth them fun, that RJ, the Acting God of Blue Figurines, didst appear before them as Rush Limbaugh, and his ass was on fire and the Bald Fat Republican didst cry out, ‘Hellppp! I have not yet mastered my godly powers!’

And it came to pass that he didst run around screaming for a few minutes before the God of Orange Juice Drinking didst appear before them as a hungry, hungry hippo, and said unto them: ‘What RJ doth mean to sayeth is: conglomerations on a quest well quested. Thou hast learn’d the secret to restoring Matt, and now…’

‘Now…’ quoth Nori, for she had long since grown impatient with Lord Derrick’s ceaseless stupidity.

‘I… don’t know…’ spake the God of Fist-Pounding. ‘We didst put Matt in a floating refrigerator…’

‘And now thou hast no idea whither he may be,’ quoth Scoot. ‘Fear not, Lord Derrick, for we shall find Lord Matt, that thou may’st restore him.’

And the God of Nipples didst vanish from their midst, and the Dudes didst leave Lord RJ running around screaming and went forth unto the West Coast, that they might seek out the floating refrigerator of the God of Plaid.

And it came to pass that on the coast, it didst rain shit for three days and three nights, and the Dudes didst find Scoot’s old hide-a-bed, and they didst build a little fort with it, and it didst prove seaworthy, so they made it their ark.

And so the Dudes didst set out on the high seas on Scoot’s bed, for it didst seem like the thing to do at the time.

And as the Dudes were sailing in their ark, they were attacked by pirates, and they didst fly the flag of the skull and crossbones, and didst attack with gunneries of filing cabinets.

‘They fly the jolly roger of a pirate ship,’ quoth Nori.

‘I am glad thou’rt here to tell us these things,’ quoth Scoot, and the Dudes didst discuss the matter as a committee.

‘Battle stations!’ cried Something from the crow’s nest, ‘for thar be pirates off the starboard armrest!’

‘Arr!’ quoth the Pirate Captain. ‘We have ye outnumbered! We shall raid thy hide-a-bed and all of its profit margins!’

Aarrr!’ cried the other pirates, and they didst brandish their ceiling fan blades at the Dudes.

‘Wait a minute!’ quoth Nori. ‘I knoweth these cock-Nazis! But I thought they didst sail off the face of the earth!’

‘Arr, rumors of our fall art greatly exaggerated, much like the Flat Earth Society’s geography,’ quoth the Captain. ‘Prepareth to raise the deflector shields!’

‘Aye-aye, Cap’n!’ quoth the first mate. ‘Preparing to raiseth the deflector shields!’

‘Arr, raiseth deflector shields!’ quoth the Captain.

‘Aye-aye, Cap’n!’ quoth the first mate. ‘Raising deflector shields!’

‘Ye stand no chance ’gainst the might of our business acumen!’ cried the Captain. ‘We shall make ye walk the plank!’

‘Not so fast, butt-pirates!’ cried a voice from above.

‘ ’Tis the Demigod David!’ cried Jennifer. ‘Surely he wilt help us!’

And David didst appear, flying alongside the pirate ship with his Anti-Gravity Cape, which didst give him the power to fly and be dim.

And in his dimness, he didst crash into the mast and knock himself out.

‘A fat lot of help that didst prove to be…’ quoth Nori.

‘Arr, fire at will!’ cried the Cap’n.

‘Which one is Will?’ asked the pirate at the filing cabinet.

And the pirates didst launch a barrage of drawers at the Dudes, and the cushions of their little fort couldst not withstand the bombardment.

‘Where is the God of All Things Found Under Couch Cushions when ye need him?’ demanded Dirty Uncle Orty, for they didst bless their little fort in his name.

‘Arr, we shall break ye, come hell and high water!’ cried the Captain.

And Scoot didst power up.

‘Oh shit!’ cried Nori. ‘Dudes! Hit the deck!’

‘Where’s the deck? Where’s the deck?’ cried Casey.

And Scoot didst throw an energy ball at the filing cabinet.

‘Arr, I hate it when that doth happen…’ quoth the Captain.

And Scoot’s energy wave didst consume the drawer and didst penetrate the ship’s deflector shields, blowing up the filing cabinet. And it came to pass that smoldering papers didst rain on the battlefield.

‘Shiver me timbers!’ cried the Captain.

‘Shiver thine own timbers, thou sicko!’ quoth Nori. ‘Fuckin’ A, Scoot! Thine aim hath improved since thou tried that at Kungfucius’!’

With the deflector shields down, the Dudes were able to board the pirates’ ship to throw down, and there was a great swashbuckling battle.

‘Is thy license in order?’ quoth Scoot, and he didst draw the HellRazor. ‘Have at thee!’

‘Aye,’ quoth the Captain, ‘for the Pirates Guild wouldst not let ye fly the skull and crossbones if thy papers art not in order. Now give up, ye scurvy low-life dog! I learned how to fight from the greatest swordsmen of the Seven Seas!’

‘Oh yeah!’ quoth Scoot as he didst kick the Captain square in the nuts, ‘well I didst learn to fight on the street!’

And so it came to pass that the Dudes didst defeat the pirates.

‘Arr, ye have swashed me buckles!’ cried the Captain.

‘And I canst do it again!’ quoth Scoot.

‘Hey!’ cried Dirty Uncle Orty. ‘Keep it in thy pantaloons!’

But the pirate ship was sinking, for Scoot’s energy wave had blown a hole in the hull.

And it came to pass that the Demigoddess Heidi didst appear in her yacht, and didst give them a ride, except for Scoot, who didst take the helm of the hide-a-bed.

‘I shall sail unto the Dream Plane in my search for Lord Matt,’ quoth he, ‘for if he hath any dreams in his deep sleep, I shall find him.’

For among the books of Kungfucius’ cluttered attic, he didst read the Bible of Dreams.

And Scoot didst sail unto the Dream Plane, and after drifting through the mists of a thousand dreams from his past, he didst find the spirit of Matt, and the ghost of the God of Bistromathics told him to go unto the ruins of the Sunken City of Los Angeles.

And so when Scoot didst return from his mysterious errand, the Dudes didst set sail for the ruins of the Sunken City of Los Angeles.

And it came to pass that in the ruins, the Dudes didst find the Floating Refrigerator of the God of Chocolate St*rfishes, But Not That Damned Hot-Dog-Flavored Water.

And the God of Odnoh appeared before them as a killer Christmas tree, and said unto them: ‘At last! Thou hast found Matt! Now we canst resort him.’

And Lord RJ didst fall out of the sky as a potted plant, and didst shatter against Something’s head.

‘Yoco!’ cried Scoot. ‘Art thou alright, bro?’

‘Ah, Something doth never get hurt when he hitteth his head,’ quoth Nori.

‘Ow! Fuck!’ cried Something. ‘I see thou hast remembered my immortality this time, Lord Derrick…’

‘Oops,’ spake the God of Orange Juice Drinking. And he didst take the potion which the Apothecary had given him, and didst drink of it and spake the words, ‘Incanis… Corporae… um… Transistor…

And he didst thrice kiss the feet of the God of Boy Scouts.

And it came to pass that Matt didst awaken. And he was transformed into a talking toob amplifier, and said unto them: ‘ ’Tis good to be great, and I feeleth really back! Yea, tho everything’s all okay, I feeleth out of whack!’

‘Lord Matt!’ cried Lord RJ. ‘Thou hast returned!’

And he didst bow before the Gods of Hondo, prostrate at their feet, and Yoco didst bow before the Gods of Hondo, and a hell of a lot better than Lord RJ ever couldst.

‘Derrick! What hast thou done?’ cried Matt, as he didst realize that the God of Hawai’ian Shirts had instituted administrators. ‘Thou hast screwed over Reality and fucked up ev’ryone!’

‘I am sorry, Matt, I was just having fun,’ spake Derrick.

‘I shall the Path of Stupidity shun!’ spake the God of Parental Advisories.

‘If this doth get much worse,’ quoth Casey, ‘we had better run.’

And the Goddess didst appear and smack him.

And it came to pass that the God of Explicit Fucking Lyrics didst fold his arms and wink, and nod his head, and all the administrators were struck dead.

‘And that doth take care of that,’ spake he, ‘or else my name isn’t Matt.’

‘That was a sorry-ass rhyme,’ quoth Nori.

‘If thou canst think of something better, come and tell me… Until then, go fuck thyself, Nori.’

‘What in the name of the gutted lower intestine of a sacred cow is going on here?’ cried Scoot.

‘Thou’rt right,’ spake the God of Change. ‘Something is amiss. I must think hard and look into this…’

Aargghhh!’ cried Nori. ‘Wilt thou shut up with the tree-fucking rhymes!?’

‘Oh no! I can’t!’ cried the God of Fukengrüven. ‘I’m out of hand! My rant is getting really sloppy! I’m on a roll— Somebody stop me!’

‘Now thou hast got me rhyming as well,’ quoth Scoot. ‘Damn ye, Lord Matt, damn ye all to hell!’

‘Please, for the love of crap, tell us what to do!’ cried Nori.

‘ ’Tis a secret brew, known only to a few, and it canst be made for no great expense,’ spake the God of De Ghetto Booty. ‘Find thee a headquarters before I maketh less and less sense…’

And he didst walk off into nothingness singing, ‘O, I’m a lumberjack and I’m okay! I blaze all hell and I fart all day…

‘Findeth a headquarters?’ quoth Casey. ‘But where?’

‘I have a headquarters for us,’ quoth Scoot.

Quoth Myles the Unbeliever, ‘I don’t believe it!’

‘Get out!’ quoth Nori,

‘Dost thou remember that in my wandering, I came upon the lost Island of Mu, whose location is known only to a few— D’oh! Damn ye, Matt!’

And so the Dudes set sail to bringeth gum to the Island of Mu.
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