Categories > Original > Humor > The Book of Hondo
And it came to pass that on the other side of the Spooky Door, the Dudes didst find themselves standing alone in an empty field, for there was no sign of the army of Kreeblies which they had fought before. And in this place there was no wind, no sun, no shadows, and yet there was light.
And standing in the midst of the field, near a fence, was a lone figure in a cloak and hood.
‘Where the hell didst those ass-ramming pig-dickers disappeareth to?’ quoth Nori.
‘Good sir,’ quoth Scoot as he didst approach the lone figure, ‘wouldst thou tell us whither the evil army of Kreeblies hath gone?’
‘They have departed this place,’ quoth the stranger, ‘and have taken to the road.’
‘Ha! Dost thou expect us to fall for such a cheap-ass trick?’ quoth Nori. ‘This is no more than a trap laid to ensnare us.’
‘I promise thee it is not,’ quoth the stranger. ‘Thou must taketh me at my word that I serve not The Man.’
‘And who the fuck art thou, that we shouldst simply taketh thy word at face value?’ demanded she.
‘My name is of no importance,’ quoth the Stranger.
‘Pay thee no mind to Nori the Cursing Faerie,’ quoth Scoot, ‘for she is just having a bad hair day.’
‘Go hump splintered balsawood,’ quoth Nori.
‘Tell us,’ quoth Scoot, ‘art thou a native of this realm?’
‘No,’ quoth the Stranger, ‘but I have been here long enough to acquaint myself with this place.’
‘Then wouldst thou guide us in this strange land?’ quoth Scoot, for he was not one to make grave decisions on a whim. ‘I senseth that we shall need thy knowledge in this mysterious place. So, what sayest thou?’
‘Sure, why not?’ quoth the Stranger.
‘Ye trust him!?’ screeched Nori.
‘Sure, why not?’ quoth Scoot.
‘It soundeth like a perfectly good reason to me,’ quoth Casey.
‘No comment,’ quoth Nori.
And so the Dudes didst discuss the matter as a committee, and it came to pass that the God of Orange Juice Drinking didst appear before them as the Pillsbury Doughboy, and Yoco didst walk up to him and poke his belly, and said unto him, ‘Yo! Poppin’ Fresh!’
And the God of All Things Found Under Couch Cushions didst giggle, and said unto them: ‘Hoo-hoo! Hail Dudes! I am come to tell thee that thou hast entered the realm of The Man. Even we know little of what is here, for the doors were so spooky that Matt and I didst always decide we shouldst check them out later.
‘Anyhoo, Matt hath told me to tell thee that if thou looketh hard enough, thou shalt findeth where his socks went when he didst put them in the dryer. Seriously serious, though, thou’rt advised to find for thyselves a guide.’
‘As usual, we art way ahead of thee, O great God of Stupidity,’ quoth Nori.
‘Aye,’ quoth Scoot, and he didst introduce to him the Stranger, saying, ‘we know not who he is or from whence he came, but this stranger shalt be our guide in this strange land.’
‘The Man hath found the keys to realms we have not yet visited,’ spake the God of Odnoh. ‘We know not what the enemy hath in store for thee, but we shall try to help thee wherever we may. Until we have learned more, fare thee well, Dudes…’
And the God of Odnoh didst vanish from their midst.
And it came to pass that the Stranger didst join the Dudes’ party, and with their mysterious guide in the lead, they didst depart from the empty field, and set out to find The Man and do battle with him.
And standing in the midst of the field, near a fence, was a lone figure in a cloak and hood.
‘Where the hell didst those ass-ramming pig-dickers disappeareth to?’ quoth Nori.
‘Good sir,’ quoth Scoot as he didst approach the lone figure, ‘wouldst thou tell us whither the evil army of Kreeblies hath gone?’
‘They have departed this place,’ quoth the stranger, ‘and have taken to the road.’
‘Ha! Dost thou expect us to fall for such a cheap-ass trick?’ quoth Nori. ‘This is no more than a trap laid to ensnare us.’
‘I promise thee it is not,’ quoth the stranger. ‘Thou must taketh me at my word that I serve not The Man.’
‘And who the fuck art thou, that we shouldst simply taketh thy word at face value?’ demanded she.
‘My name is of no importance,’ quoth the Stranger.
‘Pay thee no mind to Nori the Cursing Faerie,’ quoth Scoot, ‘for she is just having a bad hair day.’
‘Go hump splintered balsawood,’ quoth Nori.
‘Tell us,’ quoth Scoot, ‘art thou a native of this realm?’
‘No,’ quoth the Stranger, ‘but I have been here long enough to acquaint myself with this place.’
‘Then wouldst thou guide us in this strange land?’ quoth Scoot, for he was not one to make grave decisions on a whim. ‘I senseth that we shall need thy knowledge in this mysterious place. So, what sayest thou?’
‘Sure, why not?’ quoth the Stranger.
‘Ye trust him!?’ screeched Nori.
‘Sure, why not?’ quoth Scoot.
‘It soundeth like a perfectly good reason to me,’ quoth Casey.
‘No comment,’ quoth Nori.
And so the Dudes didst discuss the matter as a committee, and it came to pass that the God of Orange Juice Drinking didst appear before them as the Pillsbury Doughboy, and Yoco didst walk up to him and poke his belly, and said unto him, ‘Yo! Poppin’ Fresh!’
And the God of All Things Found Under Couch Cushions didst giggle, and said unto them: ‘Hoo-hoo! Hail Dudes! I am come to tell thee that thou hast entered the realm of The Man. Even we know little of what is here, for the doors were so spooky that Matt and I didst always decide we shouldst check them out later.
‘Anyhoo, Matt hath told me to tell thee that if thou looketh hard enough, thou shalt findeth where his socks went when he didst put them in the dryer. Seriously serious, though, thou’rt advised to find for thyselves a guide.’
‘As usual, we art way ahead of thee, O great God of Stupidity,’ quoth Nori.
‘Aye,’ quoth Scoot, and he didst introduce to him the Stranger, saying, ‘we know not who he is or from whence he came, but this stranger shalt be our guide in this strange land.’
‘The Man hath found the keys to realms we have not yet visited,’ spake the God of Odnoh. ‘We know not what the enemy hath in store for thee, but we shall try to help thee wherever we may. Until we have learned more, fare thee well, Dudes…’
And the God of Odnoh didst vanish from their midst.
And it came to pass that the Stranger didst join the Dudes’ party, and with their mysterious guide in the lead, they didst depart from the empty field, and set out to find The Man and do battle with him.
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