Another Frerard-ish One-shot. Based on another beautiful Margot & The Nuclear So and So's song. Give it a read, if you would.
It was usually freezing in Chicago this time of year. I was standing in the street inhaling deeply as the cold air and nicotine coated my eager lungs. The feeling was familiar and vaguely pleasant. My frayed jacket was hardly worth a dime when it comes to actually protecting me from the cold. I tugged it closer to my body, attempting to shield myself as much as possible from the frigid wind that sent citizens sprinting down the street in search of shelter. You came up to me then and thrust a paper cup into my hand. A smile danced on your lips. The corners of you mouth turned up almost mysteriously, like I was meeting you for the first time and you were trying to charm me into your bed.
"What's this?" I asked you. Watching you carefully. I wonder if you knew that I would be analyzing your every move. That every word that left your mouth would be ran through my "Would Gerard Say That On A Regular Basis?" hard-drive and analyzed to no return.
"I have wine," you said, "And I wanted to share it with you." You reached up and rubbed your eyes with a shaking hand. My eyes wandered all over your angelic face while your eyes only saw the inside of your eyelids.
"Gee, let's go inside, you're shaking." I said in a voice that sounded like the wind blowing through your black hair. You opened your eyes and looked at me. It's hard to say what you were thinking. I could usually tell what was going on behind that familiar hazel eyes, but today it seemed like you were wearing a mask. I didn't like it at all. It made me nervous.
"Right, inside." you said. You smiled at me. It melted my heart, absolved my worries with pure admiration and love. If you knew how highly I thought of you, would that have changed anything, Gee? You opened the door to the bus and led the way. You swayed slightly as you sat down on the leather couch.
"Now Frankie, we drink." you said. Your smile then was one of excitement and anticipation. It struck a chord in my mind. It was the same look you used to get before shows. With the lights glaring down on your, shining around your pale face, you looked like a god. I couldn't help but fall in love with you every night. My guitar and your voice were the only things I could hear. My heart made leaps and bounds along with the words you sang in that sickly sweet voice. But now, your face was hollow. The spark that was once in your eyes had faded, and you tried so desperately to replace it.
"Ahhh, shit." you spat, breaking my train of thought. You had spilled the wine on my shoes while trying to fill your glass to the brim.
"Sorry," you said sheepishly. Your face was tinted red with shame or inebriation. "You get extra for that little mishap." I held out my cup for you to fill. You knit your brows together in obvious concentration. Your hands still shook even in the cramped heat of the bus. A clear bell sounded in my brain. Your hands were trembling from all those pills you took.
"That's all your Frankie baby." you said, your tone was seductive. Did you know me that well Gerard? did you know that I hung on your every word? That any and every emotion I felt at any time could be easily dismissed by the sound of your voice or the slightest amount of attention from you?
"This is cheap, but it better be good. I paid a pretty penny for this. Most expensive of all the cheap wines." you slurred, swallowing deeply. You sounded so pleased. So hungry for what this wine would do to you. You winked at me from behind the cup. I felt empty then for some reason. Why did you need my company when you had your wine? I quickly took in the entire cup of wine, filling myself with the warm and bitter taste. Concentrating on the rising haze in my mind was easter than thinking about you. About all the nights I spent watching over you.
"Damn, that's the Frank Iero I know." your velvet voice broke my once again and I looked at you. Your eyes were far off but you were looking at my face. Nothing about your face changed, but I could see a deep sadness in it. No tears, no frown, no expression. But sadness oozed from your pores and dissolved in an instant. Replaced by a silent repose. I smiled at you. Half-heartedly but genuine all the time.
"Wanna go out tonight Frankie? Get a little loose? You've been all misanthropic. It's weirding me out, dude." you slurred. I suddenly felt sick. Your words hit me like a ton of brick and a car all at the same time. Did you honestly believe that the cure for misanthropy was getting fucked up? Is that what was happening to you? This was the reason I was losing the man I loved to a wasted away shell? A caricature of the Gerard I knew? My stomach boiled with the flame of an unrequited love and red wine. I stood up and left you on the couch with your wine.
"I guess that's a no." I heard you call after me. You voice was quickly followed by the sloshing of wine in the dark green bottle and the solid slam of the bathroom door. I fell to my knees. My face was damp with seat and tears. my stomach wretched and my heart tore at the seams. I imagined who you were before. Hell-bent on making a change, helping people. The Gerard that was now sunk into the couch nursing a bottle of wine used to be curled up and drawing a comic. Or scribbling a new song in his twisted handwriting. That was the man I loved. The eerie shadow of that man was here. Reminding me every day to cherish the memory of his former saint-like self. I hugged the toilet with white-knuckle grip.
"I'm going out." you announced. I hadn't heard you come in. I looked at you out of the corner of my eye. The empty wine bottle in hand, you licked your wine stained lips and smirked at me. Nausea didn't begin to cover how that smirk made me feel.
"Have tons of fun." I said bitterly. you were going to leave me here in my misery and go forget the world. Apathy made a sweeping entrance and I ignored your dejected expression, collapsing around the toilet. You closed the door quietly and mumbled to yourself. When I heard the bus door close I left and went into my bunk. Hoping sleep would protect me from the sick feeling you had left me with.
I awoke in a dim haze to the sound of the bus door being clumsily shut. I was barely awake as you climbed into my bunk. Snores from the rest of the band sounded around me, but the sound of your labored breathing rose above that. Your face was inches from mind. You smelled like the cheap perfume of a crowded bar. Cigarettes, alcohol, and the essence of slut.
"Guess who's home?" you barely whispered. You came crawling to me. Crawled into my bed after leaving me.
"What Gee? What do you want?" I asked. My voice sounded broken and defeated. My throat ached. A feeling familiar to that deepened in the pit of my stomach.
"Well...." you started, your voice was sad and you sounded like you were in deep thought. "I want to just disappear. I want to be gone." you said. Your tone was that of a very drunk and depressed teenager. So sad and so beautiful. I thought the alcohol and drugs made you feel better. Isn't that why you consistently filled yourself with the? Rage enveloped me. I was so angry. You couldn't even let me try and help you? You couldn't trust that I was good for more than just rubbing your back while you spilled the contents of your stomach on the sidewalk? I hated you for that. I still resent you for it, but the hate has worn off. But then, it completely devoured any sense of patience I had left for you that night.
"Gerard Way, your every breath is a gift," I hissed, "If you weren't so selfish then you might want to live." You collapsed next to me under the weight of my words. Admitting defeat or passing out due to the excessive intake of alcohol.
Either way I was done. I was done with you. done with breaking my heart everyday watching you destroy yourself. I was willing to help you Gerard, I was really ready to pick you up off the ground. But you broke me. Broke my willpower and broke my heart with your self destruction. I loved you. I still love you. Or rather who you used to be. But I had to leave. I had to get out. I'm sorry I did. It may have been hypocritical of me to run from you. But I couldn't face the facade we were all hiding behind. You weren't the love of my life anymore. You suppressed the Gerard I used to know with your pills and alcohol.
That's why I left, Gee. That's why I took my guitar and left that night. I left you all. Tell the guys that I'm sorry. Tell them about this letter if you want to. But Gee, if you're still in there underneath the mess of a man you've become, I want to tell you something. Gee, I will wait my whole life if I have to, but I want you back to normal. I want to continue the band, help more kids, help you. And love you forever if you'll let me. Just let me know, Gee. You've got to let me know.