The Factories of Machines That Make Nothing
‘Talk about the screamin’ hoodoos…’ quoth Nori. ‘ ’Tis like a fuckin’ maze in there…’
‘Aye,’ quoth Yoco, ‘for they don’t seemeth to do anything…’
‘And still we must passeth beyond to reach our destination,’ quoth Scoot.
‘I senseth we art close,’ quoth Richard. ‘This next battle is bound to be a really ugly one.’
And the Green Machine came leaping upon the mountains, skipping upon the hills, and it didst make the earth shake when it landed before the Dudes.
‘Damn! Verily I say,’ cried Nori. ‘that thing’s built like a brick shithouse!’
‘So,’ quoth Casey, ‘some of Dr Färtnøkker’s Machines art still around…’
‘Not for long!’ quoth Richard.
And the Dudes didst power up to do battle with the Green Machine.
‘Activating Shields…’ quoth the Green Machine in a harsh mechanical voice. ‘Thou art no match for the Power of Steel!’
And so Scoot and Richard didst power up to insane levels and didst unleash radical energy blasts ’gainst the Green Machine.
‘Scoot and Richard art using their full power ’gainst that thing!’ quoth Yoco. ‘Surely it will not stand!’
‘Alright, that’s one explanation…’ quoth Nori. ‘I sayeth that Scoot hath gone ape-shit and is going to destroy us too!’
But the full force of their attack was aimed at the Green Machine, so the Dudes didst survive, and though their aim was true, the Green Machine’s shields were just too strong.
‘ ’Tis even stronger than the Nazi Armored Battle Refrigerator!’ cried Casey.
‘And it hath no extension cord to pulleth!’ cried Yoco.
‘There must be a way to defeat it!’ quoth Nori. ‘Try to findeth a weakness, ye dumbasses!’
And though the Dudes fought valiantly and didst rage against the Machine with all their might, even the might of the New & Improved HellRazor had no effect against the Green Machine’s industrial-strength armor and energy shields.
And it came to pass that when all was lost, the great grey giant Luigi didst step on it, crushing it like an aluminum can.
‘Der, Dudes! Long time, no see!’ cried Luigi. ‘At last Luigi found thee. Do ya wanna playeth another game?’
‘Aye,’ quoth Scoot, ‘for we art playing a game Crunch Tag, and The Man is it. Wilt thou help us crunch him?’
‘Oh boy! Another game!’ cried Luigi. ‘Der, Luigi liketh games!’
And it came to pass that the mighty Luigi didst join the Dudes’ party.
‘Hell yeah!’ quoth Casey. ‘With Luigi at our side, we canst not fail. For his sake, I hope The Man hath health insurance!’
And the Dudes didst heal themselves with the power pills Bigfatjohn had brought to them.
‘Strange…’ quoth Scoot, ‘this is the part where the Gods of Hondo wouldst appear before us and sayeth something unto us. I like not the feel of this…’
And it came to pass that the Dudes didst not have to wander around in the No Man’s Land of the Factories of Machines that Make Nothing, for Luigi didst knock the walls down as he went, for he knew not how to use a doorknob, and not only didst the Dudes pass thru, but they didst destroy much of The Man’s mad machinery as they went.
And at last, the Dudes came unto The Man’s Thirteen Acres of Hell, where they wouldst face The Man.
And so it came to pass that the Seventh Generation came unto the Eleventh Hour.