Categories > Original > Humor > The Book of Hondo

Macabre 5

by shadesmaclean 0 Reviews

The Untold Story of Bob the Kiwi

Category: Humor - Rating: PG-13 - Genres: Fantasy,Humor - Characters:  - Warnings: [V] - Published: 2011/01/06 - Updated: 2011/01/06 - 777 words - Complete

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‘That Freudian Fish Thing and Thou’
…And Bob the Kiwi didst return to earth and go unto the Kwick-E Mart in Hackensack, New Jersey to buyeth an ice cream sandwich.

But there was a great deal of back story involved, which the Demigod David didst learn of, but in his dimness, didst forget to writeth down.

And this is what little is known, or perhaps made-up, of the back story of Bob the Kiwi (as not chronicled by the Demigod David):

In a certain High School Library, Derrick once shavèd a kiwi with a spoon; he didst keep it in a plant over in that corner.

And the kiwi— which Derrick had named ‘Bob’— didst read of ancient texts and didst study the Dark Arts. And in time, the kiwi didst read every evil and cursèd book in the High School Library, including the entire Martha Stewart Library.

One day, the kiwi didst disappear, as if it had grown legs and took a walk, and left him all alone.

And Derrick didst go out, stapling ‘Missing Kiwi’ signs all over the neighborhood, and asking of random strangers: ‘Hast thou seen my kiwi? He answereth to the name Bob.’

Only two women didst slap him, though, for the others couldst not bear to, what with his big, puppy-dog eyes and turned-around hat.

But little didst he know that Bob the Kiwi, after seven years of sticking too many foreign coins in pay phones, was finally picked up by superintelligent beings from the Planet of Gazooms (props Rip Taylor).

And Bob the Kiwi didst travel across the galaxy for many years, dressed up in a loud Hawai’ian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he didst offer everyone he met free catsup packets.

And one day a Prophet of the Goddess of Wickershams said unto him: ‘God is dead. Don’t useth drugs.’

‘Well shit,’ quoth he, and he didst return to Earth.

So it came to pass that Bob the Kiwi didst go unto the Kwick-E Mart in Hackensack, New Jersey to buyeth an ice cream sandwich.

And the clerk said unto him, ‘I am sorry, noble kiwi, but we art all out of ice cream sandwiches.’

And Bob the Kiwi said unto him, ‘Hast thou any ice cream cones?’

And the clerk said unto him, ‘I am sorry, noble kiwi, but we art all out of ice cream cones.’

And Bob the Kiwi said unto him, ‘Hast thou any Fuddy-Duddies?’

And the clerk said unto him, ‘I am sorry, noble kiwi, but we art all out of Fuddy-Duddies.’

And Bob the Kiwi said unto him, ‘Hast thou any popsicles?’

And the clerk said unto him, ‘I am sorry, noble kiwi, but we art all out of popsicles.’

And Bob the Kiwi said unto him, ‘Hast thou any Drumsticks?’

And the clerk said unto him, ‘I am sorry, noble kiwi, but we art all out of Drumsticks.’

And Bob the Kiwi said unto him, ‘Hast thou any Klondike Bars?’

And the clerk said unto him, ‘I am sorry, noble kiwi, but we art all out of Klondike Bars.’

And Bob the Kiwi said unto him, ‘Hast thou any of those Orange Ice Cream Thingies?’

‘Wait minute,’ quoth the clerk. ‘I’ll go checketh.’

And he didst return a moment later and said unto him, ‘No, noble kiwi, we art all out of those Orange Ice Cream Thingies.’

And Bob the Kiwi said unto him, ‘What dost thou have?’

‘We haveth Apocalypse,’ quoth a scary old Gypsy woman who came out of the back of the store.

‘Okay,’ quoth Bob the Kiwi. ‘I’ll taketh that. Is it from the freezer section, by any chance?’

‘No!’ quoth the old Gypsy woman sternly.

‘Meh,’ quoth Bob the Kiwi, and he didst wander out of the Kwick-E Mart.

And some hapless meter-maid’s ticket-book didst spontaneously combust as he walked by. And there was a forty-two-car pileup at the intersection he didst walk thru. And the next building he walked past didst collapseth.

‘Ye just can’t take this guy anywhere,’ quoth the Kwick-E Mart clerk, for he now had a fish stuck up his ass, and so didst the rest of his customers.

And the Whore of Babylon rose up with a nine-bladed sword, and there was a great confusion as to where things art, and the people of New Jersey fled from the Whore of Babylon, though no one knoweth in which direction, for the aforementioned reason.

And so Bob the Kiwi didst travel cross-country, spreading random chaos and anarchy in his wake.

And it was said of him, ‘Ye just can’t take this guy anywhere…’
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