How Scoot Got His Groove Back
‘…So the next day he goeth unto the circus again,’ quoth Scoot. ‘And the barker barketh all about the Fat Lady and the Strong Man, and also telleth of the Bearded Boy, the Uni-goat, of fabled Eskimos and naked Midgets who “Walketh Like an Egyptian”, of Flying Nuns and the dead— whom we all know traveleth in floating refrigerators— and also of juggling Beatles and ugly Rabbits.
‘And there art troublemakers on stilts, and Masters of the Custodial Arts blowing fire and swallowing bikinis, and a man juggling mummified cats—’
‘For the hundredth and twelfth time, Scoot,’ spake The Man, ‘is this going somewhere?’
‘Aye. Aye,’ quoth Scoot. ‘Just keep thy shirt on. I promise thee, ’twill be really funny if I telleth it this way. And an orchestra of beavers, and the carnies art challenging people to such games as Swat the Clown, Eleven-Card Monte, Bush Toss, and Forks.
‘And the people art buying hot dogs and envelope-shaped balloons for the kids, blurry candy, Windexed popcorn, and stuffed Olyphaunt butts.
‘So Confucius buyeth for himself a ticket and goeth therein.
‘And under the big top, there art acrobats and x-ray technicians, clowns with tables, and the guitar-tamer was taming guitars, and seals balancing amps on their noses.
‘And the Clown-Shaguar came unto the circus tent, and an army of clowns came forth.
‘And Antonio Banderas swingeth on the trapeze without a net, and Julia Roberts was shot out of a cannon.
‘And so it came to pass that Confucius didst watch all of this, and didst try to seek greater enlightenment.
‘But then there came forth this clown, who didst insult and harass Confucius, calling him names and telling lies about his mother.
‘And yet again Confucius was so beside himself with rage, that he couldst not think of a thing to say unto this rude and despicable clown. Yet this time, the clown didst harass him still further, mocking him for yet again not having a decent comeback.
‘And so Confucius had finally had enough, and he didst snap, and say unto the clown: “I have taken enough shit from thee! Thou shalt not do this unto anyone else! Confucius say, ‘Fuck-you-clown!’ ” ’
And so The Man stood there for a long time, waiting for the punchline, saying, ‘What, is that it?’
And the Dudes didst laugh their asses off.
‘Scoot getteth off a good one!’ quoth Richard.
‘Hell yeah!’ quoth Nori.
‘The look on that wanker’s face is priceless!’ quoth Yoco.
And Casey didst scratcheth his head, but then he finally got it, and it was a real knee-slapper.
‘About bloody time, dumbass!’ quoth Nori.
And so it came to pass that The Man was now beside himself with rage, and he said unto the Dudes: ‘Thou hast mocked me for the last time!’
‘Second to last, by my count,’ quoth Scoot.
And Nori didst count down, ‘Five… four…’
‘What?’ spake The Man.
‘Thou hast clearly not read the Lost Flathead Lake Scrolls, hast thou, thou one-balled wonder?’ quoth Scoot.
‘WHO TOLD YE!?’ bellowed The Man.
And Scoot didst smile wickèdly.
‘Sorry to interrupt thy regularly-scheduled programming…’ spake the God of Imaginary Numbers as the Gods of Hondo didst appear unto them as… the Gods of Hondo, for they were in a hurry. ‘Ha! ’Tis not too late! For the Gods of Hondo returneth!’
Spake the God of Hawai’ian Shirts: ‘…The hell?… This isn’t the Bat Cave!’
‘No fucking duh!’ quoth Nori.
‘ ’Tis The Man’s Thirteen Acres of Hell,’ spake the God of Brain-Farts.
‘How the hell didst he inflirtate my back yard!?’ cried the God of Stupidity.
‘Why art thou dressed up like Batman and Robin, mighty Gods of Hondo?’ quoth Casey.
‘ ’Tis a long story,’ spake the God of Monotonous Phenomena, ‘but now is not the time for telling it, Goat-Boy. Now is the time for action, not long-winded speeches. We must now join forces with the Dudes that we might defeateth The Man, and undo the evil which he hath wrought. Somehow, we art free of his fiendish trap, and we are come in time—’
‘To watch Scoot the Ko’An die!’ spake The Man. ‘What canst thou and thy stupid sidekick possibly doeth?’
‘Sidekick!?’ cried the God of Dammit, looking at his costume as if for the first time, ‘Dammit! I’m a stupid fucking sidekick!’
‘There’s no need for profanity,’ spake the God of Four-Letter Words. ‘That kind of language is unbecoming of thee, Boy Wonder.’
‘Yeah, dipshit!’ quoth Nori. ‘That kind of fuckin’ language is totally unbecoming of thee!’
‘Enough of this!’ cried The Man. ‘ ’Tis time to put the so-called Ass-Kickin’ Apostle out of his misery!’
‘I think not!’ cried the God of Black Ops. For after being chased by That Which Doth Lurk on Channel X (Evil-Cam’s cousin), he had had enough of this shit. ‘Let us giveth that little punk some POWER!’
‘What say’st thou, Count Chocula™?’ asked the God of Fist Pounding.
And Chocula™ was silent.
‘We shall taketh that as a yes,’ spake the God of Chateau Romani.
And the Gods of Hondo didst dance the Batusi, and Matt didst fold his arms and nod his head and wink, and it was so.
For the Gods of Hondo had granted Scoot the Ko’An the power to useth the full potential of the human mind, that he might useth the full power of the HellRazor.
And it was good.
And Yoco didst pass Scoot a power pill to heal his wounds and restoreth his strength. And the renewed Scoot didst power up. And power up, and power up, and power up. And power up some more, just for good measure.
And so it came to pass that Scoot didst keep powering up.
And it was damn good.
‘ ’Tis unreal!’ cried Richard. ‘Hard fuckin’ core!’
And the HellRazor didst glow an eerie green, and its blade didst shift and shimmer, and didst look more ominous and wickèd than ever.
‘Something…’ quoth Casey, for he was very confused, ‘Something’s… wrong in there…’
‘No,’ quoth Richard, ‘ ’tis right in here. Very right.’
‘Finally!’ quoth Nori.
‘Holy shit!’ cried Yoco. ‘That’s the power of the HellRazor!’
‘Aye,’ quoth Narayana, ‘and now Scoot shalt fight with the Might of Old that once moved heaven and earth. Guess The Man didst not heedeth the Warning of the Goats…’
For his part, The Man said unto himself: ‘What is this? Surely he cannot become stronger than the Power of Steel…’ And he said unto Scoot, ‘Ha! ’Twill taketh more than that! Thou canst not beat me just by powering up!’
By now, Scoot’s form didst shift and shimmer with spectral fire as he was transformed by the power of the HellRazor and at last took on the Might of Old. For he had become as great and terrible to behold as The Man himself.
‘Fuck the bullshit!’ cried Scoot as he powered up still more, ‘ ’tis time to throw down!’
And he didst attack, striking The Man with such radical speed and power that even he didst not see it coming.
‘No way!’ cried The Man as Scoot didst take the fight back to him with great kung fu action.
‘Giveth him hell, Scoot!’ cried Casey.
‘Kick his ass!’ cried Yoco.
‘Fuck him up, dumbass!’ cried Nori. And she didst dance on the air, chanting: ‘Stomp! and shake that ghetto booty!’
And it came to pass that no matter how much power The Man summoned up, Scoot didst power up still more, and so didst keep the upper hand against him.
‘What… art thou?…’ demanded The Man, for he had never seen anything stronger than the Power of Steel.
Quoth Scoot the Ko’An, the Ass-Kickin’ Apostle of Hondo: ‘I am the Son of the Hawai’ian King Kaméhaméha… I am What Cometh Around… I am the Voice of the Voiceless… I am the Embodiment of Fire… I am everyone thou hast ever harmed. I am Hope… I am the Eye of the Storm… I am Death Incarnate… I am the Sleeper who hath awakened to fight once more with the Might of Old… I am a Walking Contradiction… I am Yes and No… I am the Sound of One Hand Clapping…
‘And I have not yet begun to fight, thou—’
(Encore! Encore! Let us hear it again for
Peanut/ Green Mile
I Am Road Runner/ Pennywisdom
Nytrydr/ Green Mile
AuntyNay4/ Green Mile
and a shout out to y’all who didst partake of the original Hondo Mad Lib!)