Categories > Original > Humor > The Book of Hondo

Macabre 10 - IX - X - XI - XII

by shadesmaclean 0 Reviews

The Outhouse of Time IX - XII

Category: Humor - Rating: R - Genres: Fantasy,Humor - Characters:  - Warnings: [V] - Published: 2011/01/13 - Updated: 2011/01/14 - 736 words - Complete

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IX
In End World, there lived a man who…

(Just kidding! Ye can put down that chainsaw, ’twas just a joke…)

And so the Dudes went forth and didst wander the earth in true Dudely fashion, for they had nothing better to do.

And whilst they were oot scootin’ aboot, Loki Amaya said unto them, ‘Exuseth me a moment, for I must taketh a shit.’

And so the Dudes didst wait up for him.

And Loki didst go by the wayside, and he didst come upon a port-a-potty. And he said unto himself, ‘Hark! This is most peculiar! An outhouse in the middle of nowhere… Oh well, when ye gotta go…’

And so he went therein and didst take a shit. When he was finished, he didst step out—

Into empty space.

Ay-ay-ay!’ cried he, and he didst scramble back inside and slammeth the door shut. ‘What the hell is going on here!? Where am I?’

But before he didst quantemplate this matter, he didst take a whiz, for this whole experience had scared the piss out of him.

And this didst cause a whole new problem, for there was no longer any gravity inside the outhouse.

Ay carumba!’ cried Loki, and he didst bolt.

But just as he didst remember that there was nothing out there, he noticed that he was now running through a forest of giant ferns…

Turn thee to V.


X
And Adria didst prophesy: ‘Moreover, take thou up lamentation for the princes, and also for the Hanging Gut of Babylon! For the Encyclopedia Psychotica sayeth: “Thou shalt sacrifice a bicycle, and the bicycle shall be white, and without blemish. No Huffies!” And the Sects of Disconnection and Traditions of Lost Faith shalt again rear their ugly heads.’

‘Said the Super-Size One unto the Creepy One: “Wilt thou fill my fry-hopper?” and the Creepy One didst fill her hopper, and it was very disturbing.

‘For a rat doth not need directions for abandoning a sinking ship, and going “straight” will get thee nowhere. And the corporate clown selleth radioactive McContra-Burgers, peace thru power their motto, power for peace their crime!

‘A wolf in the flowerbed, thirty seconds of fun, for Ronny loveth the cock! Beware the old woman who wieldeth the Cane with the Heavy Silver Knob! A loser in the house, and a puppet on a stool, to accomplish their anger against them in the midst of the room next to the noisy ice machine in heaven for all eternity.

‘Luminous being art we, the dwellers of this magic cosmic plane, this reflection of light unfolding unto itself, a sacred beam of light projected into this world, for all thou needeth to understand is that everything ye know is wrong!’

‘Okay…’ quoth Nori. ‘Come on, Scoot, let us fuckin’ go home.’

And Scoot didst go home.

Turn thee to IV.


XI
And when the Judge returned, he said unto them: ‘In the case of the Firm of the Monolith Corporation vs the Angel of Death, I findeth that Death doth not discriminate against mortals. Furthermore, for wasting this court’s time— and making me miss Matlock— I hereby order thee to telleth us the undisclosed location where thy boss is hiding.’

‘Redmond! Redmond!’ cried she. ‘Please don’t bring back the Probe-O-Matic!’

‘Case dismissed!’ spake the Judge, and he didst pound his gavel.

‘Um, Thine Honor,’ quoth the Bailiff, ‘with all due respect, Honorable Enma, I methinks thou’rt talking about someone else.’

‘I KNOW THAT!’ bellowed the Judge. ‘Get thee gone, people! Thou’rt giving me a headache!’

And everyone didst leave the courtroom in a calm and orderly manner.

If thou sayeth ‘Let us go home.’, turn thee to XXIV.

If thou decideth to see how Jennifer is faring in New Jersey, turn thee to XV.



XII
And so it came to pass that Scoot the Ko’An and some of the Dudes didst go to checketh up on the High Priestess on her journey unto New Jersey.

As they were wandering in the crowd, Waldo came forth, crashing into the Dudes and causing a pile-up.

‘The Dudes!’ cried Waldo. ‘Thou hast to help me! The cops art after me, and I am running out of places to hide! Please, Dudes!’

‘Well, dumbasses!’ quoth Nori. ‘The cops art comin’!’

If thou decideth ‘Where’s Waldo?’, turn thee to II.

If thou sayeth ‘There’s Waldo!’, turn thee to XXIII.
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