Categories > Original > Humor > The Book of Hondo

End Credits

by shadesmaclean 0 Reviews

what it says on the tin

Category: Humor - Rating: PG-13 - Genres: Fantasy,Humor - Characters:  - Published: 2011/01/23 - Updated: 2011/01/23 - 1965 words - Complete

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THE BOOK OF HONDO
The Gospel According to Scoot
(King James Perversion 2.0)

©2000-2002 Gods of Hondo
(Bumbershoot Productions)
Spooky Door Productions
&
Worldwide Trunks



GUILTY PARTIES:
“Scoot” Springer –Author
Hans “Yoco” Williams –Co-Author
“Dim” David Chambers –Co-Author
Jason “Loki Amaya” Parrish –Co-Author
Matt Kuka –God of Hondo/ Co-Author
Derrick Miller –God of Odnoh
Bree –The Goddess
Count Chocula™ –God of Hondo
“Mom” –Random Baked Goods
Sir Richard Flammond –Illustrations



DIRECTOR
Oliver Closoff


PRODUCER
I P Freely


SCREENPLAY
Al Coholic
Jacques Strap
Bea O’Problem


ORIGINAL SCORE
Willie Makit & Betty Wont


EXECUTIVE PRODUCERS
Fat Phuc
&
Seymour Butz


ASSOCIATE PRODUCER
Stu Pidass


ART DIRECTION
Wayne King


PRODUCTION DESIGN
Harry Baals

ARTISTIC COORDINATOR
Dick Bender


SUPERVISING EDITORS
Makollig Jezvahted
&
Levdaroum DeBahzted



STORY
1000 Neon Monkeys
Sitting at 1000 Typewriters
for 1000 Years


KEY LAYOUT
Arheddis Varkenjaab & Aywellbe Fayed
Gedda Hooker
Hanlyn Cox
Kim Suk Dong
Maya Buttreeks
Anita Bath
Mike Rotch
Dr Ho
Amanda Bleau
Ima Nidiot



SPECIAL EFFECTS
Harry Bonar
Ima Hooker
Mai Dixie
Dr Hard
Anil Dikshit
Buster Hyman
Phil McCrackin
Mike Hunt
Harry Peter
Anne Thrax
Harry Heinie
Dick Stiffler
Harry Dickensheets
Ollie Tabooger


PRODUCTION MANAGER
Haywood Jablomie


SCENE PLANNING SUPERVISOR
Jack Miov

CAMERA MANAGER
Hugh G Rection


CHARACTER DESIGN
Ivana Tinkle
Buster Cherry
Ayah Seeyorcok
Phil Menards
Crystal Dyck
Eda Bonar
Phuc Duong
Harry Woody
I P Daily




ANSWERS TO HONDO TRIVIA:
1) David and Heidi
2) the Thing with the Stuff
3) “Fishheads!”




CASTING
Clotho
Lachesis
&
Atropos


CAST
(in no particular order)

MATT KUKA
as Lord Matt, God of Hondo

DERRICK MILLER
as Lord Derrick, God of Odnoh

COUNT CHOCULA™
as himself, Honorary God of Hondo

THE GODDESS
as The Goddess

DAVID CHAMBERS
as the Demigod David

HEIDI HINKLE
as the Demigoddess Heidi

SCOOT THE KO’AN
as himself

THE VOICES IN SCOOT’S HEAD
as Nori The Cursing Faerie

TRAMPUS CANASTER
as Pope (I) Trampus Canaster

HANS WILLIAMS
as Brian Fritz Pud Yoco Peppy McBean
Oreamnos Americanus Something
Pookie Skanky-Bitch the Hans,
Sacrificial Goat of Hondo

CASEY ARNSMEYER
as Pope (II) Casey Arnsmeyer
and Beige Knight of Hondo

JENNIFER
as the High Priestess Jennifer

MYLES ANTONOLI
as Myles the Unbeliever

ADRIA ANTONOLI
as the Prophetess Adria

MICHAEL ORTMAN
as Dirty Uncle Orty,
High Demon of Odnoh

RYAN JUERS
as RJ, Assistant God of Hondo

A BOY NAMED BOBBY
as Pope (III) Booby

SOME GUY NAMED JOHN
as BigFatJohn, Official Messenger
of the Gods of Hondo

RICHARD FLAMMOND
as Sir Richard Flammond,
Black Knight of Odnoh and
Patron Saint of Ass-Whoopin’,
New & Improved Angel of Death
(in some Realities)

JASON DAVID WILKIE PARRISH
as Loki Amaya, Position Pending*

BEN DOVER
as Pippin the Bastard

AYAH SEEYOUPEE
as Ayatollah Asshollah

FOKKE De KOK
as Dr Färtnøkker

DeeBRA STRAPP
as the Stranger, a-k-a
Narayana, the Goddess’ Hand

LUIGI
as himself

SEAMAN GLASSCOCK
as The Man

DICK TRICKLE
as the Technomage

HOLDEN MAGROIN
as Naginata the Polite Assassin

PAT McROTCH
as the One-Eyed Man

DICK WACHS
as the Great Othwog

HOMER SEXUAL
as Jehovah

WAYNE KERR
as Jesus Christ

DICK WAGGER
as Lucifer Morningstar

HUNG KOK
as Bob the Kiwi

SCHWARTZ POPOFP
as the Monkey Man

TANAKA U AOT
as the Master Kungfucius

PHAT HO
as Butt the Full-Figured Faerie

IMA HO
as Fuct the Politically Correct Faerie

HUNG LO
as the Narrator

MILES OF THE MOWEN
as Shmiles Shmowen the Damned


STUNTS
Lehman Atwill
Dick Surprise
Philip McCrack
Amanda Hugginkiss
Iva Dick
Eura Snotball
Maya LaTrina

(The Scootly One hath no stunt double,
for the Ass-Kickin’ Apostle doth all his down stunts!)




RECIPE FOR
CHOCOLATE PUDDING CAKE

1 cup flour
¾ cup sugar
2 tablespoons cocoa
2 teaspoons baking powder
¼ teaspoon salt
½ cup milk
2 tablespoons vegetable oil
or melted margarine
1 teaspoon vanilla
1 cup brown sugar, packed
¼ cup cocoa
1 ¾ cup hottest water

Heat oven to 350. Mix flour, granulated sugar,
2 tablespoons cocoa, baking powder and salt in bowl;
stir in milk, oil and vanilla. Spread in ungreased pan
(8x10 is best). Pour it over the 1 cup sugar and
the ¼ cup cocoa, spreading it as evenly as possible,
and pour hot water on top. Bake 40 minutes. Serve warm,
with whipped topping or ice cream on top.




“ARCANE TEXTS”
(In Order of Appearance)

“2ND DUDES”
from “Venus” by Anthony Feldman
from Space: Exploration and Discovery

from “Ninja: the Poofy Warriors”
by Scott Springer

from “Contest Rules”
from a random Casio Product Registration card

“Lovely Art Thy Feet with Shoes…”
From the Song of Solomon
(King James Translation)



“THE BOOK OF KUNGFUCIUS”
“Instruction Manual for the Thing with the Stuff”
based on a posting by Little Miss 1565 @ the Offspring Message Board


“THE LABORS OF THE DUDES”
“Ten Times Stronger Than a Regular Ayatollah”
from “Super Heroes”
by Scott Springer

Censoring provided by
EZBoard.com
(Motto: ‘Giveth us the #&%$ing $$$
or we shalt censor the $%&# outta thee!’)


“THE BOOK OF MACABRE”
“Fuck-You-Clown” Joke
by David Chambers



HONDO MAD LIBS
from “Ninja: the Poofy Warriors”
by Scott Springer

from “Contest Rules”
from Casio Product Registration

“Inscription from the Gates of Hell”
(translated from Danté’s Inferno)

“To Be or Not To Be” Soliloquy
(from Shakespeare’s Hamlet)

Flavor Flav 7-8
from Psalms, Song of Solomon, Proverbs, and Ecclesiastes
(King James Translation)

from “Ad for Exercise Machine”
(Extreme Ass-Flex)
by Scott Springer

The Book of Macabre
(various passages)
by Scott Springer


PROPS

PENNYWISDOM.COM:
Spiffy McBang
Punk Rawks
HMFC
SoBay PunkPoseur
Skinomaniac
Thig Pig
Kalika 311
PunkPika
El Gautcho
Ian
Alien Punksta
QGJRevived
Frigoddess
RancidDKM Punk
Lifes a Dragge
Offchick
Goatmilker
I Am Road Runner
Breezy Punk

RATM.COM (RIP):
Pain On the Walls
Magician’s Apprentice
Seeker of Visions
Rabid Waffles
DrunkenStoopid
Psychofemale
Valeo
Occhi
Imacon
GoosetheMighty

THE GREEN MILE:
Nytrydr
Sherrill
Kathy5
Coachman1126
Aunt Linda
Ukebec
Char
Little Old Me
be81827
IHellBorne
Peanut
Ree
Angelina Someday
Tlcgogo
The Opal Twins
Annmarie
Rodan82
Kobi
Kalamazoo
MsLauraEB
AuntyNay4
Gene Jacket
Ophelia Todd
SherryLBretz

Scoot giveth a shout-out unto y’all who didst partake
of the Hondo Mad Libs!



ASSISTANT PRODUCTION MANAGER
(If the Production Manager is unable to fulfilleth his duties…)
Pat Hinds



In the time it took thee to read this far,
thou couldst have done something meaningful
with thy life. But what art thou going to do?
Cry about it?



MUSIC SUPERVISOR
No One


SOUNDTRACK (LYRICAL PROPS)
(in alphabetical order by band)

311
“Transistor”
“Come Original”
“Who Hath the Herb?”
“Fuck the Bullshit”
“Homebrew”

ADRENALINE O-D
“Thy Kung-Fu is Old & Now Thou Must Die!”

AFI (A Fire Inside)
“God Called In Sick Today”
“Cereal Wars”

AGNOSTIC FRONT
“Gotta Go”
“Riot Riot Upstart”

AT THE DRIVE-IN
“Cosmonaut”
“Quarantined”
“Sleepwalk Capsules”
“Alpha Centauri”
“Hulahoop Wounds”

BAD RELIGION
“American Jesus”
“Thou”
“Don’t Pray On Me”
“Modern Day Catastrophists”
“Land of Competition”
“Bored & Extremely Dangerous”

BIG DUMB FACE
“Blood-Red Head On Fire”
“Duke Lion”
“Voices in the Wall”
“ ’Tis Right In Here”

BLOODHOUND GANG
“Right Turn Clyde”
“Mope”
“We Art the Knuckleheads”
“Asleep At the Wheel”
“The Inevitable Return of the Great White Dope”
“Lift Thy Head Up High (And Blow Thy Brains Out)”
“Hell Yeah”

CAKE
“Nugget”
“Race Car Ya-Yas”
“Sheep Goeth to Heaven”

CARL DOUGLAS
“Kung Fu Fighting”
(After all, all disco endeth in broken bones)

CORPORATE AVENGER
“Anarchy Thru Capitolism”
(w/ the Kottonmouth Kings)

DESCENDENTS
“All-O-Gistics”

THE EELS
“Tiger in My Tank”
“Thy Lucky Day in Hell”
“Electroshock Blues”
“Vice President Fruitley”
“I Liketh Birds”
“Hidden Track”
“Friendly Ghost”
“Dog Faced Boy”
“Mr E’s Beautiful Blues”

EMINEM
“The Real Slim Shady”
“Without Me”

FOO FIGHTERS
“Down In the Park”

FUN LOVIN’ CRIMINALS
“The Fun Lovin’ Criminal”
“Come Find Thyself”
“Korean Bodega”

GREEN DAY
“86”
“Armitage Shanks”
“No Pride”
“Brain Stew”
“Jaded”
“Disappearing Boy”
“Warning”
“Walking Contradiction”

KOTTONMOUTH KINGS
“Peace Not Greed”
(w/ Corporate Avenger & “Gentleman” Jack Grisham)
“Daydreamin’ Fazes”

LIMP BIZKIT
“Counterfeit”

METALLICA
“The God That Failed”
“Where the Wild Things Art”

MIGHTY MIGHTY BossToneS
“The Rascal King”
“Bad in Plaid”
“Don’t Knoweth How to Party”
“Haji”
“Issachar”
“Dr D”
“The Skeleton Song”
“Toxic Toast”
“Shit Outta Luck”
“Hope I Never Loseth Me Wallet”
“Devil’s Night Out”
“Holy Smoke”
“Finally”

MONTY PYTHON
“The Lumberjack’s Song”

NO DOUBT
“Tragic Kingdom”
“Trapped In a Box”

OFFSPRING
“Bad Habit”
“Smash”
“Changeth the World”
(regrettably) “Original Prankster”
“Staring At the Sun”
“Living In Chaos”
“Nitro (Youth Energy)”
“Pay the Man”

OPERATION IVY
“The Crowd”

ORBITAL
“Dwr Budr”
“The Box” (I & II)

PENNYWISE
“Slow Down”
“Fuck Authority”
“Unknown Road”
“Perfect People”
“My God”
“Fight Till Ye Die”
“Living For Today”
“Wake Up”

PITCHSHIFTER
“As Seen On TV”
“WYSIWYG”

POWERMAN 5000
“The Son of X-51”
“Nobody’s Real”
“MEGA Kung Fu Radio”

PRESIDENTS OF THE USA
“We Art Not Going to Make It”
“Kick Out the Jams” (props MC5)
“Puffy Little Shoes”
“Tiki God”
“Feather Pluckn”

PRIMUS
“The Devil Went Down to Georgia”
(Props Charlie Daniels Band)
“Mr Know-It-All”

RAGE AGAINST THE MACHINE
“Vietnow”
“Born as Ghosts”
“The Ghost of Tom Joad”
(props Bruce Springstein)
“Voice of the Voiceless”
“Fuck Tha Police” (props N W A)
“Guerrilla Radio”
“People of the Sun”
“Know Thine Enemy”
“Freedom”

RANCID
“11TH Hour”
“Journey to the End…”
“Roots Radicals”

SMASHMOUTH
“The Fonz”

SOULFLY
“Mulambo”

THE SPECIALS
“Running Away”

SUBLIME
“Raleigh Soliloquy” (I, II & III)

SYSTEM OF A DOWN
“Ddevil”
“Sugar”

TEN FOOT POLE
“A-D-D”

THE TOKENS
“The Lion Sleepeth Tonight”

TSOL (True Sounds of Liberty)
“Code Blue”
“Silent Scream”
“Peace Thru Power”

UNWRITTEN LAW
“Underground”

“WEIRD AL” YANKOVIC
“Dare to Be Stupid”
“Amish Paradise”
“Stuck in a Closet with Vanna White”
“Everything Ye Know is Wrong”
“Pretty Fly for a Rabbi”
“Thy Horoscope for Today”
“Albuquerque”

ROB ZOMBIE
“Living Dead Girl”
“The Return of the Phantom Stranger”
“What Lurketh On Channel X?”


Pocket Poodle and the Pig-Stinging Jellyfish
appeareth courtesy of the Gods of Hondo
(Bumbershoot Productions) and Worldwide Trunks.
All other songs art used without permission.
So there!



EDITORIAL

EDITOR
Han Jobs

1ST ASSISTANT EDITOR
(If the Editor is unable to fulfilleth his duties…)
Wan Kaa Man

ASSISTANT EDITORS
(And if the Editor AND the 1st Assistant Editor
art unable to fulfilleth their duties…)
Anita Hooker
Magnolia Thunderpussy


SOUND EFFECTS BY
Thou, silly!


TITLE DESIGN
Pix Butt
Hugh Jass


DISTRIBUTED BY
Bumbershoot Productions
Spooky Door Productions
& Worldwide Trunks



SPECIAL THANKS
We wouldst like to thank Shitsplat (Havre) High School
and the so-called “University” Formerly Known As
Northern Montana College for unknowingly publishing this book.
Thou’rt more generous than thou wilt ever know. ;)


DIVINE INSPIRATION:
Douglas Adams, Scott Adams, Jordan Alefteras, Jimmy Pop Ali,
Bandit (RIP), Lester Bangs, Dickey Barret & the BossToneS,
Dave Barry, John Bellairs, Hieronymus Bosch, Rob Brezsny,
Mel Brooks, Terry Brooks, Robert Browning, Tim Burton, Bruce
Campbell, Max Cannon, Chris Carter, Miguel de Cervantes, Charlie (RIP),
Graham Chapman (RIP) & John Cleese & Terry Gilliam & Terry Jones
& the Monty Python Crew, a Man Called “E” (once called Mark
Oliver Everett), Eminem (a-k-a Slim Shady, Marshal Mathers III),
Neil Gaiman, Allen Ginsberg, Matt Groening, Gusto (a-k-a Gustav ze Vodka-
Svilling Kitty), Martin Handford, Nick Hexum & 311, Stephen King,
lvk, David Letterman & the Late Show Crew, Leona (RIP), Lydia (a-k-a Liddy-Kitty, RIP),
Jim Lindberg & Pennywise, H P Lovecraft, George Lucas,
Shigeru Miyamoto, Muffin (RIP), Edward Packard & R A Montgomery,
Tom “Big Brother” Osborne, Chuck Palahniuk, Edgar Allen Poe, Terry
Pratchet, Sam Raimi, Shawn & Leon “Wayne” Robbins, Zack de la Rocha
& Rage Against the Machine, Shane “de la Mancha” Rodack & the
members of Pennywisdom, William “Schim” Schimmel Jr, Day “Arthur”
Scovel, Jerry Seinfeld, Rod Serling, William Shakespeare (for if not
having read WAY TOO MUCH Shakespeare in one semester, the Book
of Hondo wouldst not have been possible!), Kirk “Extreeeme Jake!”
Simoneau, Ray Stevens, Peter Straub, J Michael Straczynski, J R R
Tolkien, Akira Toriyama Sensei (for ’twas really too much Shakespeare
AND too much “Dragon Ball” in one semester that did it!), “Weird Al”
Yankovic, Timothy Zahn, Rob Zombie



The Book of Hondo is dedicated to all of the art that hath been
censored, banned, burned, or otherwise lost to the world
because of human ignorance, since the dawn of time.
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