In this year's Valentines Story, Remy Buxaplenty has kidnapped Timmy Cosmo and Wanda in order to be the start. What can one girl armed with a bag of near infinate holding, two Zappers and a katana ...
A Completely Fan Service Shout Out Story
By Kairi Taylor
Author Disclaimer: No. Trust me I don’t own it. Do you think I wanna be the guy who was known as ‘The Man Who Green Lit Wishology”? No way dudes!
(Fade in to Timmy Turner’s room)
Narrator: We once again find ourselves inside the room of Timmy Turner, who is preparing for yet another Valentine’s Day.
Cosmo: HEY! It’s that strangely ominous British sounding voice again! Didn’t you get a new job yet?
Narrator: I’ll have you know that narrating is my job! It’s a fine art form that helps to convey the importance of a plot to—
Cosmo: Yeah yeah, so did Disney hire you back or what?!
Narrator: …no. (Wanda enters, carrying Poof with her in her arms as Timmy cautiously peers outside his window.)
Wanda: So sport, are you prepared for this year’s Valentines?
Timmy: Prepared? Let’s review shall we; two years ago I was subjected to a bizarre series of events orchestrated by Cosmo of all people to set me up with Tootie! Then, last year, I made a wish that placed me in the middle of an anime harem type scenario which was complicated because Cindy Vortex hopped dimensions to battle it out with 3 other girls over me. I can’t begin to imagine what insanity one of you is likely to put me in this year.
Wanda: It hasn’t been too bad, you know. You did have a lot of fun on that date the first time around.
Cosmo: The melee though, not so much.
Timmy: Right, so I’m just gonna lay low. Maybe this year things could work out for me.
Narrator: But as Timmy was about to find out, things were not going to work out as planned.
Timmy: Oh for the love of—what could possibly happen?
(The ceiling to his room is ripped away as above Timmy floats Remy Buxaplenty, piloting a floating hovercraft.)
Remy: TURNER!! At last I shall have my vengeance!
Timmy: Oh great, Remy!! …and is that one of Dr. Eggman’s pods?
Remy: He was having a garage sale on some of his older models. Now where was I…oh yes…REVENGE!!
Timmy: Cosmo! Wanda! I wish that—
(Before Timmy can convey his wish, Remy presses a couple of buttons. A butterfly net captures Cosmo and Wanda while a glass cylinder is dropped around Timmy. Poof however manages to slip away from his mom.)
Remy: Can’t let you do that, Turner!
Cosmo: Ah!! A butterfly net! This is just like our honeymoon in Willamette. And you know how that turned out!
Remy: You’ve been hogging the spotlight for Valentines for way too long! Time for me to get some attention around here for once!! Remy Buxaplenty shall be the star today!
Timmy: You do realize that a certain someone will make sure that won’t happen.
Remy: Oh don’t worry. I’ll make sure he won’t be interfering this year. Now then, let us depart to my tastefully decorated criminal mastermind hideout!
Narrator: At that very moment, as Remy whisked away our hero and his compatriots, his plan was unfolding in another dimension.
(In another dimension, I am speaking with Washu in a lab.)
Me: So, Nicktoons vs. Shonen Jump…could that work out?
Washu: Intriguing question. The fallout from a battle between Avatar Aang and Sage Mode Naruto would be quite interesting. But what about the possibilities of a battle between a fully powered Danny Phantom and Ichigo Kurosaki? That has to be something.
Me: True. (Suddenly the window is broken by a leaping figure, wearing a metal mask over his face and sporting metal claws)
?: Hola! I have come to, very sexily I may add, render you incapable of flexing your fan fiction might!
Me: …Juandissimo? What the hell are you doing here? And could you explain why you had to enter dressed as Vega, through our window no doubt? Poofing in would have made more sense
Washu: You never read the memo, did you? (Washu hands me a piece of paper.)
Me: Lets see…”Today’s agenda: discuss programming doujin game, look into finally restarting the ‘No Need For Hama’ series…oh boy are we SO overdue to wrap this up…aid Tootie in a Scott Pilgrim semi-parody.” Oh yeah, THAT.
Juandissimo: Now behold as my muy macho fairy ninjitsu skills to defeat you!
Me: Hey, wait! Fairies aren’t allowed to kill!
Juandissimo: You’d be surprised what you can live through! EN GARDE! (Juandissimo jumps off the wall and dives at me.)
Me: See, about that… (I dive aside as Juandissimo comes face to face with Washu, and a VERY large shoulder mounted proton cannon.)
Washu: Let the experiment begin. (Washu fires, hitting Juandissimo with a huge blast.)
Me: I didn’t know you had one of those.
Washu: I asked Stark to let me tinker with it.
Juandissimo: This is not over yet! Prepare yourselves for Round 2!!
(Before anyone can do anything, Poof floats in and grabs Juandissimo. The screen flashes white as multiple hits are heard before everyone sees Poof standing over the prone body of his victim, the kanji for “heaven” glowing on his back.)
Washu: I’d ask, but I think I already know the answer.
Me: Ditto: Right, Poof where is Timmy?
Poof: Poof, poof poof poof! (Shakes rattle)
Me: Remy Buxaplenty has kidnapped Timmy Turner and your parents in a fit of jealously and taken them to his tastefully decorated hideout in order to become the star of his own Valentine’s Day story? Wow, did not see him taking this that far.
Washu: And they said I was crazy for installing a Poof to English translator program into your brain.
Me: I only wish you’d ask me for permission when you do that. I guess Timmy needs to be saved this year.
Washu: And I know just the girl you need.
Me: We can’t use Toph to solve this one. Last time we sent her out, Azaroth got rearranged!
Washu: Uh no, not her. I meant Tootie.
Me: Oh yeah…
(Back at Dimmsdale, or to be specific, Tootie’s room.)
Tootie: Ok, this time I’m certain Timmy will love the present I made for him this year. (Tootie smiles and admires the large chocolate frosted cake, in the shape of Timmy's head that she has prepared.) And it has 5 times the recommended levels of fudge inside. (The door to her room is broken down as Vicki enters.)
Vicky: I heard present, chocolate and the twerp’s name. That is not good. Oh, I see my nerdy sister made a cake!
Tootie: Back off Vicky! That cake is for Timmy’s mouth only!
Vicky: Oh, I have someone who disputes that claim. Mr. Cake, meet MR. MALLET!! (As Vicky pulls out a giant mallet and lifts it, a warp pipe shoots out of the ground and sends her flying face first into the ceiling. A few seconds later, I jump out, a bag in hand.)
Me: Ok, someone remind me next time to take the Subspace Highway.
Tootie: Oh, it’s you again. So, what plan do you have to try to set me up on a date this year? Or did that Saishodoukin suggestion Veronica wanted finally clear?
Me: No it didn’t, but apparently it was something that the Naruto fan base wanted me to act on. We have a bit of a situation this year. Now, I need for you to come with me and—
Vicky: HOLD IT RIGHT THERE JERKS!! No one launches me into the ceiling and gets away with it.
Me: Uh, can someone take care of her please?
Narrator: And fortunately for all involved, someone did get involved. (A Wallmaster emerges from nowhere and grabs Vicky, dragging her off.)
Vicky: DAMN IT!!
Tootie: So, what’s the problem?
Me: It’s like this girlfriend! Remy Buxaplenty has gone and kidnapped Timmy Turner! Are you a bad enough dudette to rescue him?
Tootie: Timmy’s been kidnapped? Just leave it to me!
Me: Cool! Now I don’t know precisely WHERE Remy’s hideout is, but I’m fairly certain I can narrow it down. I’ve got a team of the best trackers out there to—(Tootie pulls out a small PDA.)
Tootie: He’s in Tokyo-Ville.
Me: What the heck?
Tootie: It’s my Timmy Tracker, Mark-2. I’ve made several modifications to the original.
Me: Ok then. But Tokyo-Ville? It’s dangerous out there, use this! (I hand over the bag I have.) It’s a bag of near infinite holding. The previous owner made pretty good use of it. And you’ll need it.
Tootie: Wait, aren’t you coming along?
Me: Sorry, there are a couple of other places I need to visit. But you’ll get some backup later. Just get going.
Tootie: Right. I’m coming Timmy my dreamboat. (Tootie opens her closet door and pulls out a Warp Star, using it to fly out the window.
Me: Now then, where did I put that particle disruptor? (Sounds of a massive explosion go off in the background) Oh yeah, Poof.
(Later, Tootie lands in Tokyo-Ville, right on top of someone’s Prius.)
Driver: Oh, MY CAR!!
Tootie: Sorry. I hope you have insurance.
Driver: Allstate doesn’t cover “car being destroyed by cosmic transportation device”!
Tootie: Wow. Probably should have stuck with GEICO. Ok, I gotta find out which of these buildings Remy is hiding in.
(Tootie holds up her PDA. It points to a building that looks remarkably like Dr. Wily’s hideout, only instead of the Dr. Wily logo, it has Remy’s face.)
Tootie: Well, that was easy. (Remy’s face appears on a nearby big screen.)
Remy: So, trying to steal the spotlight are we? I can’t have that happening, Toots!
Tootie: The name is TOOTIE. And get used to this face, because you’re going to see it up close and personal…right before your jaw meets my fist!
Remy: I sincerely doubt that. You’ll have to make it to the front door of my hideout first, and right now, I doubt you will. ATTACK!
(Seemingly, from out of every doorway, sewer grate and window, ninjas pop out.)
Remy: It’s amazing just how many ninjas are living here. I practically could turn and see one here. Well, have fun!
Tootie: Oh perfect, these guys. IS there any crime boss who hasn’t employed the.
Ninja: We do have a reasonable fee for our services.
Tootie: Yeah, I know. Well, let’s just get this over with. I’m on a schedule.
(As the ninjas all attack, Tootie cracks her knuckles, pulls out a ninja sword of her own from her own and makes her move: she slices through the first 3 that attack, stabs the 4th one that jumps behind her and tosses him over her shoulder. As another one leaps out from the sewer and tosses the sewer cover towards her, Tootie smiles and hits the sewer cover back at him, knocking him out. Continuing her assault, Tootie quickly slashes at a parking meter, launching it at another three ninjas, before leaping at slashing with her sword, knocking one more into the wall. As another set begins to attack, she grabs a nearby dazed ninja and jumps, giving him a spinning pile driver.)
Tootie: Seriously, I can do this all day.
Ninja: You know what; we’re not paid enough for this. Let’s just go home and play some DDR or something. (All the ninjas leave via smoke ball.)
Tootie: Ok, time to tackle Remy’s HQ. But I need some more weapons. Where can I get some better gear? (Tootie then notices a small store that reads “Nookintons Weapons Depot). That will do.
Narrator: And so, Tootie, after spending some well saved cash at one of Tom Nook’s newest franchises, entered Remy’s headquarters armed for bear.
(Remy’s headquarters. The first floor has a pair of bear sentries guarding the lobby, armed with Tommy guns.)
Bear 1: You know, I can’t help but feel that we are doomed.
Bear 2: What, are you serious? First off, we are bears, everyone fears us. Second, we’re armed with full automatic weapons. If anything, we are a force to be reckoned with. The only thing that can possibly match us is if some hot blooded girl burst through those doors sporting an even bigger and more bad ass weapon. (As he finishes his thought, Tootie bursts in, wielding a RCP-90)
Tootie: EAT DIRT, GODLESS KILLING MACHINES!!!
Bear 1: You were saying? (The bears are both destroyed in a hail of bullets as Tootie takes them out.)
Tootie: That was too much fun. (A siren sounds and several dozen robotic sentries emerge from the halls.)
Sentry: INTRUDER ALERT!! TERMINATE THE INTRUDER!
Tootie: Oh gee, robots. Whatever shall I do? Let me think. (Tootie reaches into her bag and pulls out a pair of Zappers, one Famicom Red and the other N.E.S. Grey and twirls them around.) I know. I’ll destroy them all.
Sentry: You think you can take us out with those?
Tootie: Oh, I’m not just gonna use these to completely waste you…I’m going to do this while kick ass music plays in the background. Hit it, kid! (Poof appears with a radio.)
Poof: Poof poof!! (“Taste The Blood” from Devil May Cry 3 begins to play)
Sentry: That can’t be a good thing.
(Tootie aims and fires, taking out the head of the first sentry, right before leaping forward and firing, blasting off the arms of the next 3. As a sentry above aims a rocket, she spies him and fires with her left weapons while using her right weapon to take down the one next to her. Smiling, she slides and knocks down a sentry onto the ground, then leaps on it and rides the body, spinning around across the floor while firing, taking out any sentries in her path. Before it collides with the wall, Tootie leaps off ad spins down to the ground, firing at a sentry caught off guard. As it’s destroyed in a hail of laser shots, one last robot sentry leaps in, knife drawn. Tootie quickly kicks it upwards, and then blasts it in the middle of the air as she fires her Zappers rapidly, then leaps up and pulls out her katana, slashing it down.)
Tootie: Heh, is that all you got Remy?
?: No, dear child. He has me.
(From the shadows, several throwing starts are launched at Tootie. Tootie quickly shoots them out of the middle of the air as Ms. Doombringer walks into the light, wielding a knife in one hand and a mace in the other.)
Tootie: Who in the blue hell are you and what’s with the skull motif?
Doombringer: The name’s Doombringer kid. Remy’s hired the world’s best Fairy Hunter to take you down.
Tootie: I don’t know if you need glasses to go along with your crazy, but I’m no fairy as you can see. I do love the fairy princess theme, yes, but not that much.
Doombringer: Actually, I’m after Turner’s fairies. Once I’m done with you, Buxaplenty promised to hand them over to me. So be a good girl and stay there so I can earn my wages.
Tootie: Not happening sister. You’ve got two choices. You can stand aside and let me through, and I’ll reconsider ripping out one of your lungs.
Doombringer: And if I refuse?
Tootie: Then hold your stinking breath!
Doombringer: Too bad. (Doombringer raises her mace) I guess the hard way will have to do.
?: Not so fast, you Frank Castle knockoff!!
(Jumping down in between Tootie and Doombringer is Trixie Tang, armed with two katanas strapped to her back, in a pink jump suit.)
Trixie: A certain someone told me about what was happening. Let’s just say some of us don’t like having their spotlight stolen!
Doombringer: And who are you supposed to be?
Trixie: You don’t remember me do you? Fine, I’ll remind you. Tootie, go on ahead. This Punisher wanna-be’s got me to handle now.
Tootie: Sure. Don’t get your pretty face messed up. That’s my job.
Trixie: Right back at you, pig tails. (Tootie runs on ahead as Trixie faces off with Doombringer.)
Doombringer: And why do you have a grudge against me?
Trixie: Other than stealing the concept of an iconic comic book character, you gave me a C- in our class when you were our teacher, Ms. Summers! NO ONE GIVES ME A C- AND GETS AWAY WITH IT!
Doombringer: Deal with it girlie, your paper was mediocre and filled with many factual errors. Never use Wikipedia as an info source for media.
Trixie: Let’s just get this over with. As one man once said… (Trixie draws her katanas) CHIMICHANGA!!!
Doombringer: Wait, that makes no sense at—(Doombringer fends off Trixie’s attack as they begin to do battle.)
Narrator: And so, Tootie made her way to the next floor, where she found yet another surprise waiting for her…a surprise of a distant variety!
(Tootie makes her way down a long corridor, dodging shots from little robots wearing construction helmets.)
Tootie: Damn, these little guys are annoying. Good, the elevator to the top floor’s right there!
?: Not so fast, small fry!
(The ceiling right above the elevator shatters as Mandie jumps down, wielding her flaming sword.)
Tootie: Who or what are YOU?
Mandie: I’m Princess Mandie! I’m here because Remy promised me Timmy Turner’s hide if I take out anyone who tries to rescue him.
Tootie: I don’t need to tell you just how much of a mistake saying those words are. (Tootie whips out the two Zappers and fires them, making Mandie block them with her sword.)
Mandie: You remind me of that irritating redhead who defeated me the last time I came to this miserable planet. I owe Vicky a painful payback!
Tootie: Trust me lady, my sister has that effect on almost everyone she’s pissed of.
Mandie: Your sister you say? I knew there was something I hated about you! I guess I see no reason to hold back. (Mandie pulls out two large laser pistols.) You’re going down!
(The wall next to Mandie breaks down as Veronica smashes through, colliding her fist into Mandie’s face.)
Veronica: You think I’m gonna stand by and let some intergalactic harlot touch Timmy Turner? THINK AGAIN!
Tootie: Wow. I didn’t know you could make an entrance like that.
Veronica: Normally, no. But my cousin let me borrow his weapon for a week. (Veronica hoists up Mjolnir.)
Tootie: You have Norse in you?
Veronica: Hello? Berserker tendencies? Long flowing blond hair?
Tootie: Good point.
Veronica: Now go on, get Timmy. Greenie’s mine.
Tootie: Cool. Don’t take too long. (Tootie leaps into the elevator and rides it up.)
Mandie: WAIT! I’m not done with you!
Veronica: Uh-uh. You’ve got me to answer to. (Veronica starts to glow as she raises the hammer high.) IT’S GULIANI TIME BITCH!!
(Tootie, meanwhile, finally arrives at the top floor of the hideout, where she discovers Timmy, still trapped in the glass cylinder. Cosmo and Wanda are nearby, still in their butterfly net casing.)
Timmy: Hi. I don’t suppose you wanna let me out of here. I’m starting to get claustrophobic and Cosmo’s singing is getting on my nerves.
Cosmo: Do the walk, do the talk, don’t be fool, go to school!!
Wanda: Next time, I’m bringing the duct tape.
Tootie: Don’t worry. I’ll have you out of there in a second!
Remy: HA! As if I’d actually let you do that. (Remy floats down on his hovercraft.)
Tootie: Hey! Get down here so I can pay you back for all the grief you put me through!
Remy: Sorry cuie pie, but I don’t think I’ll be doing that. I’ve played enough video games to know how that will end. I said I’m going to be the star this year, and I’m going to make sure it happens. Behold the instrument of your doom!
(Remy pulls a lever. A panel in the floor opens to reveal…a mariachi band playing.)
Remy: OOPS! That was for my Mexican Fiesta yesterday. Ok, hold on a second…THERE!
(A second panel opens up, and a large robotic suit, sans head, appears. Remy floats down and attaches the hovercraft to the suit, activating it.)
Tootie: Now THIS could be a problem.
(The suit lurches forward and a panel opens, with a Gatling laser appearing. It fires at Tootie, who dives down behind a panel to dodge the blasts. Pulling out the Zappers, Tootie returns fire, but the shots bounce off of the suit.)
Remy: HAHAHAHAHA!!! How do you like my suit’s vibranium laced armor. Noting in this world can ever penetrate it. And it only cost my parents an arm and a leg. To be precise, 34 workers. Out of court settlements are pricey these days.
Tootie: Oh perfect. How do I get out of this one? (A warp pipe appears and I’m dumped unceremoniously next to Tootie.)
Me: Damn it, why won’t Washu just let me use Ryo-Oh-Ki for these entrances?
Tootie: Perfect. I need your help to defeat that Robotnik rejected robot suit.
Me: Oh that’s easy; just use the Power of Love Sword. You do have it right?
Tootie: Uh…when were you gonna tell me I needed that weapon?
Me: I though I told you way back at the beginning of the story when I came to your room…
(FLASHBACK TO THE BREGINNING AS TOOTIE LEAVES THE ROOM VIA WARP STAR)
Me: …oh yeah, I need to tell you that Cupid says that you’ll need to get the Power of Love Sword in order to get the true ending…
Tootie: You know you need to make sure people are in the room when you mention stuff like that.
Me: Sorry…right. In order for the Power of Love Sword to be received, you’re gonna have to do an act of love. And preferably with Ti
Tootie: Uh, I’m not sure if that is appropriate, especially in public—
Me: NO NOT THAT! A simple kiss will do.
Tootie: Ok, I can do that. But we need to free him.
Me: Leave that to me. (I pull out a pie launcher and fire, blinding Remy.) BEHOLD THE POWER OF A FRESH BAKED LEMON MERANGUE, PUNK!!
Remy: NO! The citrus goodness! IT BURNS!!
Me: Now then, I believe you have your opportunity.
Tootie: Thanks! (Tootie runs over to where Timmy is at full speed.) This will require my single most powerful move to shatter that glass.
Timmy: She isn’t slowing down. Guys, why isn’t she slowing down?
Wanda: I think I know why. She’s gonna use ‘That Move’.
Cosmo: And the last time she used ‘That Move’ you were in the hospital for a week.
Narrator: And so, Tootie freed Timmy from his prison using her most powerful technique ever.
Tootie: ROMANTIC…ENTRY!!!! (Tootie dives and crashes through the cylinder, glomping Timmy at the same time.)
Timmy: Normally, I’d be scared of this move but it did save my life and—
Tootie: Yeah, no time to talk. Shut up and kiss me quick.
(Tootie kisses Timmy on the lips and seconds later, a large flaming pink katana appears in her hands.)
Timmy: Wow, who knew that the Power of Love could produce something like that?
Tootie: Scott Pilgrim, vol. 4!
Remy: Blasted pie filling! Now then, meet your doom!
(As Remy turns to fire, Tootie raises the sword and slashes down, sending a blade of energy that slices through the armor an d destroys the gun. Remy, in a last act of defiance, raises one of the arms and fires at the group. As everyone ducks away, Tootie leaps and runs across the arm towards Remy. With a loud yell, she dives at where Remy is and slashes at the control panel of the suit. She then leaps backwards towards Timmy as the suit explodes, sending Remy skywards. Seconds later, he lands down in front of the two, singed.)
Remy: Owie… (Remy looks up to see a very angry Timmy and Tootie) PLEASE DON’T HURT ME!! I’M VERY SORRY FOR WHAT I DID!! (Remy begins bowing and scraping.)
Me: Meh, Wily does it better.
Timmy: So, what do you think? Should we let him go?
Tootie: Remember what I said about 5 pages back, what I would do to you when I meet you face to face? I’m not gonna punch you in the jaw.
Remy: That’s a relief.
Tootie: No…I won’t hit you in the saw because YOUR NOSE IS A BETTER TARGET! (Tootie reels back and hits Remy hard in the middle of the face.)
Street Fighter Alpha 3 Announcer: K.O.!!!! (Remy is turned into a pile of cash.)
Timmy: I should ask why Remy turned into money, but I won’t. (Timmy is suddenly peppered with kisses by Tootie as I free Cosmo and Wanda.)
Cosmo: Well, it’s about time you got here. What kept you so long?
Me: Hey, I was busy getting Trixie and Veronica here on time, plus I had to pay off YOUR video fines. Do you know how much ass I had to kick in Toronto to do that?!
Tootie: That reminds me, here’s your Valentines Day gift. (Tootie pulls out a box with the cake in it.) It’s amazing how much this bag can hold.
Timmy: I sure hope there’s a lot of fudge in there. (Suddenly, Doombringer and Mandie are launched into the sky as Trixie and Veronica fly in on a spare hovercraft.)
Wanda: And I’ll assume that the other problems we have with those other women are taken care of.
Trixie: Meh, it was a piece of cake. And speaking of which, I smell fudge.
Veronica: By Odin’s beard! Wow, it really IS fun to say! (The building begins to shake as the words “Time Bomb Set! Escape Immediately! 2:59:99” appear on screen) I take it that is bad.
Cosmo: I don’t know. IS the Self Destruct Button I pressed important? (Poof appears and nods his head.)
Poof: Poof poof!
Me: Yeah, my thoughts exactly…EVERYONE INTO THE HOVERCRAFT!!! (Everyone dives into the hovercraft as it floats away.)
Trixie: Hey, is that the Power of Love Sword? I gotta have that one!
Me: Sorry, there’s one Power of Love weapon per person.
Trixie: So in theory, I ought to have one to. Come on Timmy, let’s find out!
Veronica: No fair! I wanna Power of Love Hammer!
Me: Keep it down; some of us are trying to make sure we don’t die in a fiery crash!
Timmy: And that’s the story of my life…
Wanda: How many obscure video game and comic book gags do you think the average reader will find this year?
Cosmo: Way too many. Hey, we’re breaking the 4th Wall just like Deadpool and She-Hulk!
Poof: Poof poof poof (Shakes his head as Remy’s hideout collapses behind them.