Frerard. A little Frikey too. Frank takes a time out to remember Gerard, the time and moments that they shared.
The way your silky soft hair of many colours fell in front of your eyes, and the way you didn't even notice.
How your eyes were so...exactly that, indescribable.
How you could completely phase out if you weren't being a hundred percent intrigued by whatever was going on.
And how you always said we would get a cat. Man, you really wanted a cat. I can remember every goddamn detail about that animal. You desperately wanted a Siamese, or a Ragdoll. And it had to be called Ryan.
I remember your laugh. Oh god, your laugh. Just hearing it would immediately light up my life a tiny bit more.
I remember that one night on the beach. When we ran away from the rest of them. When you promised not to tell anyone. We giggled and grinned as we walked. Until we found somewhere private, and we were both silent. Everything was silent. The waves stopped lapping. The sky stopped breezing. Life stopped living. It was my first time, and it was perfect in every way. I loved how when we eventually got back to the house Mikey was distraught. And how you lied between laughter and told him I got stung by a jellyfish so you had to pee on me, then tried to convince him you were only kidding when he began to gag.
And there was that time when you forced Ray to straighten his hair and we joked that he looked like Axl Rose.
Oh, and your fashionista needs of course. I remember when we came to the UK and you spent, like, two thousand quid just in Selfridges. And then felt really guilty about it and refused to tell anyone.
I remember when you first told me you loved me. Words cannot describe how well I remember that moment. It seemed that the world had taken a break from it's oh-so busy schedule to celebrate with us. The very grass beneath us seemed to blossom and sway. The way you bent over me, because of my height and leaned in. It was almost erotic. I could tell you meant it. The way you spoke..partly in whispers, and partly in gulps of air, although you were...confidently nervous. How I backed up against the nearest tree, and we both laughed anxiously. The concealed relief when I returned my love for you in a kiss. And we ended up asleep underneath that same tree. The oak tree with 'Frankie' carved into it. Which I never noticed. I didn't notice it in time.
Of course, I remember Lyn-Z. I didn't like her, it was pretty obvious. I knew you didn't like her. I knew. I'm not stupid. I could read you like an open fucking book. You became so reclusive. Your usually burning bright, clear, sparkling eyes were faded. It was horrible, your eyes. It was as if you had lost all life, all hope. No longer did they posses the clarity and poise that they had once upon a time. That era seemed to pass so slowly. I felt like you ignored me. I began to think I had changed, and you didn't like me any more. When you got married to her I had to stay home sick, genuinely. I was only ever happy you met her once, when Bandit was born. I wasn't at first. But when I saw the joy in your face for the first time since the days of us was overwhelming. But soon again you began to drift away from me.
I remember visiting the very same beach we once shared. The vacant look on your face, as if you didn't even care. It broke my heart.
I remember....I remember running to our tree. I spent so much time there. And crying so hard I felt like vomiting. But then I heard your voice. Girly as ever. I turned to see you running towards me. You looked so tired.. so zoned out, I just wanted to curl up and die. I remember how you looked me in the eyes, yours were glammed up with red eyeshadow and black eyeliner, it smeared down your face as you spoke, wept. I remember every single motherfucking word you said. When you told me about your illness, and made out it wasn't a big deal. Like you could handle it. I know I cried again. When you stopped all of a sudden with that sickening look on your face. I knew what was coming, but neither of us could bring ourselves to say it. Or anything for that matter. For once, the silence wasn't on our side. It had always worked with us, but then, it moved against us. But your gaze reassured me that you loved me. You always had. I know that know and I knew it then. And when you finally managed to push the flow of words from your tongue they slipped out in hurried chunks.
"I have two weeks."
I suddenly realised why you needed Lyn-Z. Without her, you couldn't have Bandit. And without Bandit, you would disappear when you were gone. You ignored me because it was so hard for you, not because you hated me. I felt so selfish. But I didn't care, all I could think about was you.
I was the only one who knew about it.
You were so brave.
I remember the day you were supposed to die. We spent the entire day under our tree. We kissed, but only that much. I remember waking under that tree exactly three days later, under that same freaking tree again, but this time...only I woke up.
I stayed under that tree for a hell of a long time, but I didn't cry. Not one fucking tear. I had suffered enough, and so had you. I carried you the whole way home. I insisted on putting you to bed the moment we got in.
I remember coming downstairs to see Mikey. He knew something was wrong. Anyone would. I hadn't eaten in days, I didn't deserve to. If you couldn't eat why should I have? Hadn't changed, washed. I still had bits of puke in my feminine hair. We buried you all the way back in Glasgow cause you loved the weather there so much.
But...I do remember you.
Your smile, your hilariously big ego. Don't pretend you don't know what I'm talking about - you know you're a damn diva. That cute little head tilt thing you did. Your obsession with cookies, and guns. And how we always thought it was a dangerous combination.
As for us, Mikey and I still live where we all used to. Our tree lives on, only the one 'Frankie' carving has been surrounded by millions of 'Gerard' carvings. Speaking of our tree, Bandit loves it.
She's an amazing girl Gee. She looks so much like you. It's where me and her talk. We talk about you a lot, well, I talk. She listens. Lyn-Z, well, left. Nobody really knows where she is. But she left Bandit. And she considers Mikey and I her parents. And we consider her our daughter. I have no idea if she considers that embarrassing or not, but I don't think there was any chance of that the way she's been raised. I think she knows I love you. She's not stupid. Mikey doesn't know, but he's pretty much all I've got. I do love him, but he's not you Gerard. And he never will be. You are the only way for me. Oh, and about that. Bandits insisting that her name be Bandit Lee Iero-Way. And she's only 12, how cute is that? Anyway. I'd best get on. It's cold, and this tree doesn't keep me quite as warm without you around my waist.