I drove to the supermarket with Billy Idol, playing full blast. It made me feel like I felt when I was driving with my parents. I remember they wanted me to drive early so they wouldn't have to drive all the time. Tears pricked my eyes. I missed them so much.
On my way to the supermarket, I saw Gerard walking in the direction of my house. I pulled over and put rolled the window down.
"Are you headed somewhere special?" I asked, my voice full of false excitement. Gerard opened the passenger door and got in.
"I think we need to talk."
"I've got a groceries to do," I showed him my list. "I could use some help."
"Fine, but we do need to talk." Gerard said. And that was the last thing he said to me for the whole ride to the supermarket.
We got everyone my list a few extra things I forgot to put on the list in the first place. Gerard chatted about his new comic book idea, I just enjoyed listening. It was nice to hear something other than the voices in my head saying "you're so fucking stupid for getting yourself into this."
We drove back to my house with the groceries. If Aunt Jess wasn't home, we would talk there. I considered telling him about the pregnancy. But I didn't wanted to upset him in any way. Gerard had a delicate mind. I reminded myself that those home pregnancy tests can be wrong and that I won't really know anything until the doctor had taken blood samples.
"Aunt Jess might be home..." I told him when he finished his story.
"We can talk at my place. Mom and Dad took Mikey to look at some Colleges."
"Of course, Its Mikey's last year of high school." Frank and I still had a year to go. Gerard nodded.
We unloaded all the bags and took them into the kitchen. Aunt Jess was making a pot of coffee and she had some company in the sitting room.
"We won't interrupt Aunt Jess," I told her. "Gerard and I are going to hang out at his place after we put the groceries away."
"Just go darlings, I'll put them away." Aunt Jess said. We both nodded, but I think I moved too quick because I felt dizzy again.
"Whoa...." I muttered. "My head."
"Are you alright?" Gerard asked me. He had a hand on my back. I felt sick again. This had to the foetus. The little demonic thing that was ruining my life. Another dizzy spell. I didn't mean it baby!! Stop making me sick!
"I'm fine. I just moved to quick. I haven't eaten today." I told everyone. I reached over to one of the cupboards and pulled put a small packet of crackers. "Can Gerard drive your car Aunt Jess?"
"Sure thing honey, I want you to come home if you get any worse!" She ordered me. "you might be coming down with something." I wish it was that simple.
Gerard and I drove to his house and then went straight downstairs to his room. Gerard sat me on his bed and nibbled on some crackers.
"I'll just go get you some water." I had at least two more dizzy spells on our way here. It was either because I hadn't eaten or because of the baby. The crackers just made me feel sick again, so I put them aside and lay down on Gerard's bed. When Gerard came back I sat up and he sat in his desk chair. I drank some of the water but it didn't really help.
"Right, so lets talk." I said.
"Maybe you should just rest." Gerard said. I shook my head.
"It'll be better to talk now, rather than later." I told him. He nodded, probably in agreement.
"What happened on Friday night?"
"I wanted to tell Frank, you said no, so it was time to call the whole thing off." I replied.
"Over one disagreement?"
"Yes, Gerard because I hate lying to Frank. He's my best friend!"
"So its ok, to lie to Ray and Mikey?" Gerard said spitefully.
"Oh, and its ok to lie to your brother!" I spat back. "It doesn't matter now, because I told Frank."
"When did you tell Frank?" He asked.
"Friday night, I called him because I was upset." I lied smoothly. "He came over, and we talked for hours. Turns out he has feelings for me and I have feelings for him, so we're gonna go out on a date." There was a few moments of silence. I probably should have talked Frank about telling Gerard but he needed to know.
"But what about us?" Gerard asked.
"There is no us, Gerard. We had a fling, it was really good. I had a great time but I don't want a fling now. I want a relationship."
"Well..." Gerard began. "Lets have a relationship."
"You don't want that." I swung my legs over the side of the bed and stood up. "Its better than we're just friends who had sex for two months." I felt dizzy again but I ignored it.
"But I know you don't have feelings for Frank. If you did, you wouldn't have slept with me."
"Gerard, I was distraught. I would have slept with anyone." I replied.
"What?" Gerard said. "I thought you were attracted to me."
"I was Gerard! You're a good looking guy! Your body is hot and you have a nice dick. But I used you Gerard." I made my way to the stairs. "I know its horrible, but you used me too, but its ok because I didn't mind.... but right now, I have to concentrate on school and-" I felt dizzy again. I felt a stabbing pain in my abdomen. "Aah...!" I gasped.
"Nancy?!" I heard Gerard's voice but I couldn't see him. Everything was black.
The next thing I knew, I was a hospital bed with a nurse reading some notes from a machine.
"Oh you're awake." She said. She seemed very sweet. "I'll go get your Aunt and your doctor."
"He'll explain everything darling." And then she was out of the room. I shifted around but my stomach was sore. I wanted to get out of here. The last time I was in hospital was when they told me, my parents hadn't made the car crash. Soon, Aunt Jess came in, followed by a doctor.
"Whats going on?" I demanded, in a weak voice.
"This is going to be very hard Nancy." Aunt Jess said softly. "You had a miscarriage."
"We did everything to save your baby, but I'm afraid it didn't make it." The doctor added. Aunt Jess took my hand and squeezed it.
"God..." I mumbled. Tears pricked my eyes. "I only realised I was pregnant on Friday. I didn't even know sure. I was going to see the doctor...." The tears poured down cheeks uncontrollably. "Is Gerard here?"
"Was it his baby?" Aunt Jess asked. I shook my head.
"Some guy from school. One night stand. Condom probably split or something." I lied to her. "I just need to see him, he's probably really freaked out."
"He's in the waiting room with Frank, Mikey and Ray." Aunt Jess replied. "No one knows whats happening. I thought it would be better coming from you."
"They're all here..." I sobbed. That made me feel so happy, despite what has just happened, the fact that all my friends are here makes me feel so special. "Am I on some kind of medication?"
"We put you on some morphine for the pain." The doctor replied. I nodded and turned to Aunt Jess.
"Could you get everyone for me? I need to tell them." I asked Aunt Jess. She nodded and both her and the doctor left me alone. I sobbed helplessly in the bed in the short time it took for everyone to be at my side.
Frank was on my left and Gerard was on my right. Mikey and Ray were at the end of the bed but I wanted them all close to me.
"Hey guys." I whispered.
"How are feeling?" Gerard asked. I looked up into his eys. They were blood shot and puffy.
"I'm in a bit of pain." I replied.
"What happened?" Ray asked.
"Gerard said you collapsed on his stairs." Frank said. "Is it-" but he stopped just as soon as he began.
"What time is it?" I asked.
"It's 4 o'clock in the morning." Mikey answered after glancing at his watch.
"You guys have got school and work." I mumbled to myself feeling bad. "I'll tell you what happened, but you guys gotta go home and get some sleep." They were silent and I took a breath. "Friday night, I found out that I might have been pregnant. I took a test and it was positive." I glanced at Gerard. His face was blank and he had tears in his eyes. "I felt sick and dizzy all afternoon and then there was a stabbing pain, everything went black. I miscarried." I sobbed the last part.
"Oh God." Frank said. He put his head on my hand. I looked at everyone. Gerard was forcing back his tears. Mikey came closer and placed his hand on my thigh. Ray had an unrecognisable expression. I don't know what he was thinking.
"Who was the father?" Mikey asked. "Do you know?"
"Mikey!" Ray said. "She's not a slut!"
"No I didn't mean it like that!" Mikey protested. "I just mean, could you tell who it was by counting when you last-"
"I could, Mikey. Its ok, I am a bit of a slut." I replied with a slightly cheeky smile. "It was a guy from school. I went for a walk one night, bumped in to him and we ended up having a one night stand." I lied so calmly. What the hell was wrong with me? "After that night, we didn't really wanna know each other. We did use protection but he took it out of his wallet, God knows how old the condom was."
"Right." Gerard replied. He was blaming himself. I could see it. I began crying again.
"I'm going to be ok guys. It'll just take a few weeks." I told them. "Go home and get some sleep." They protested but eventually Mikey and Ray left. Gerard said he would be back after he took Mikey home. Frank stayed with his head on the bed, clutching my hand. I pulled my hand away and stroked the back of his head. He pulled his head up but I still stroked the back of his head.
"Why are you comforting me?" He asked.
"Because of what I'm going to say next." I replied. "I need to be alone for a while." I began. "I love you Frank, but I don't think we should be starting a relationship just now. There's just too much stuff, that I have to deal with and I think its best if you just stay away from me."
"Nancy, don't do this..." Frank pleaded. "I can help you."
"I don't need help, Frank." I said. "I just want to be by myself for a while. This whole thing, has to be a lesson. I'm going to get myself through high school, get a proper job first. Then I'll start having relationships."
"Ok." Frank said. He stood up with blood shot eyes. He bent down to kiss my cheek and then he was out of the room.
I fell asleep, after the doctor had checked me over again. He told that I had been pregnant for about a 2 months. Just as I was waking up after what seemed like hours, someone had come into the room. Whoever it was took my hand and my eyes opened slowly
"Sorry." Gerard said. "Didn't mean to wake you." I didn't say anything. "I need to tell you something."
"I wasn't wearing a condom, the first time we had sex." He admitted. "I realised it that day, but I just shrugged it off, thinking 'what are the chances of anything happening?' I'm so sorry for getting you into this." His eyes filled with tears.
"I know." I replied. "I know you weren't wearing a condom. But I wasn't lying when I said there was another guy. He was before you. It was a one night stand." I know I was lying again. I had to, otherwise, he would spend the rest of his life hating himself. "Its not your fault."
"I'm so sorry." He said again.
"Why are you sorry this time?" I asked with a slight smile.
"Because you just had a miscarriage and all I'm thinking about is the weight on my shoulders." Gerard replied. I smiled.
"Don't think about it. It wasn't your fault. And even if it was, I could never blame you." He stood up and kissed my lips softly.
"Thank you." He replied.
"Thank you for telling me the truth." I said. He sat back down. "I broke up with Frank."
"What? Why? I thought you were crazy about each other."
"We are, but I don't want to drag him into my fucked up life. I'm too complicated for long term relationships. I'm going to concentrate on making a living for myself, get everything in order before I think about relationships."
"That could take a long time." Gerard said.
"I know. It'll take a long time to get over this as well." I started crying again. Gerard stood up again, but instead of leaving like I thought he was going to, he lifted me up a little bit and shifted me over in the hospital bed and then he lay beside me and held me while I cried.