It had been two weeks since Nancy disappeared. Aunt Jess was distraught. No one knew where she was. No one had seen her. We contacted all of her old friends, all over the country.
"I just don't understand it," Aunt Jess said to us one night; everyone was here: Mikey, Gerard, Ray and Me. "She was happy. You all were. And then she had that miscarriage."
"She wouldn't sit with me in our classes," I replied. "She didn't want to sit with us at lunch."
"I think she's grieving." Mikey said. Ray nodded. Gerard sat with his face in his mug of coffee. He's barely said a word since Nancy went missing.
"Is there anywhere else she might be? Didn't she say she lived in Britain at one point." Ray said.
"She could be in Britain, she told me she had a great time there." I said.
"Except, she wouldn't go there." Aunt Jess said. Tears filled the older woman's eyes. I put my arm around her. "That's where her parents were killed."
"She'll turn up sooner or later." Gerard said, rising to his feet. "She's a tough kid, she can take care of herself, when she's ready, she'll come back." He set his mug over to the sink. "I've got to get back to packing. If you need anything, Aunt Jess, just give me a call."
"Thank you son." Aunt Jess said. "I'll see you to the door."
I believe that I am drunk.
"You are heavier than you look." Ian said as he helped me up the stairs of his apartment.
"I can't believe there are no elevatorors" I slurred. "My god! I'm wasted."
"Yes you are my dear." Ian said. I giggled.
When he got me inside, he sat me down at the kitchen table. I held my head up as Ian got me a glass of water.
"Ian?" I said. I started crying.
"What's wrong? I knew giving you that last bloody mary was a bad idea."
"No, its not that." I said. "I want to go back to New Jersey..."
"Well, why don't you?"
"Because they'll all hate me when they find out." I slurred.
"Drink some water." Ian put the glass to my lips. I nearly downed the thing.
"When they find out we lied to them. They'll hate me."
"You're gonna have to explain some more, darling. I don't know what you're saying." Ian sat down next to me.
"Well, Gerard and I slept together and we didn't tell anyone except Frank. When I was pregnant, I told Frank not Gerard, and I told Gerard he wasn't the father." I started to fall asleep.
"Nope! Don't you fall asleep at the table." Ian said. He made me stand up and he helped me over to his bedroom. His flat only had one bedroom, I had been staying on the couch.
"But my bed is the couch...."
"I think you'll be better here tonight, Nancy."
"I feel so guilty Ian. I don't wanna feel like this anymore."
He put me on his bed, turned me over and then I was out of it.
I woke up late the next morning, in Ian's bed. My clothes smelled of beer and something else. I got up and wobbled my way through to the living room and found Ian asleep on the couch. I smiled at him and went into the kitchen to get some water. Ian made a grumpy sound and rolled off the couch.
"Ow..." He mumbled.
"Morning." I muttered. My head started hurting.
"Morning, you little alcoholic." Ian joked. "I've never seen a 17 year old drink that much tequila."
"I don't think I've ever drunk that much in my life." I replied with a sigh. "I was thinking about heading in the direction of home."
"I know. You were saying last night." Ian replied. I thought for a moment. "You didn't tell me you lied to Gerard about the father of the baby."
"I know. I feel terrible. I need to go back and make it right." I told him.
"I'll call the airlines." Ian said.
"Thank you." I said. I drank more water and went to take a shower.
Ian took me the airport and before I knew it I was the plane, landing in New York. When I got off the plane, I went to collect my dad's guitar which was in a case, one of Ian's friends provided.
I wonder if Gerard had moved to New York yet. I grabbed a paper to see the date. It was the end of June. I was gone for nearly a month. I hadn't realised. He must have moved by now. Did he get the apartment he wanted? I went with him when he was checking it out and he said it was the one he wanted. But did he get it or not?
He wouldn't be a phone book yet, so I wouldn't be able to find him that way. But I do remember where the buidling is. It took me about an hour but I walked from one part of the city to the other, only going around in circles twice. It had started raining which was a big downside because I didn't have a jacket. I found the apartment building Gerard had been checking out. I pressed the buzzer for the building superintendent and within minutes a hefty man appeared to open the door.
"Can I help you?"
"I was wondering, if a Gerard Way had moved into the building?" I asked with a sweet little voice.
"Yeah, he moved in two weeks ago. He's a very mellow guy." The man said. "You know him?"
"He's my...best friend. Except, I haven't been a very good friend to him these past couple of weeks." I replied. "Would you be able to let me in to see him?"
"Sure little lady." He stepped aside and let me in. "He's in apartment 20."
"Thank you, sir."
I made my way up the stairs and found apartment 20. I hesitated before knocking. He might just slam the door in my face. I smelled my wet clothes. I smelled like sweat and beer. I hadn't had a chance to wash my clothes before I left Wales. I was a mess. Of course he was going to slam the door in my face. I knocked lightly. I heard footsteps and the locks clicking open. The door opened and there was Gerard.
"Hey." I said. He was wearing his favourite t-shirt and jeans. His hair was wet from either just having a shower being out in the rain like me. He looked tired.
"Nancy?" He said. And the next thing I knew I was being suffocated.
"Gerard, I can't breathe." I whispered in his ear.
"Sorry." He said. "Oh my God. I can't believe you're here! Where have you been?"
"Wales!" I exclaimed. "I went to Wales. In Britain." I shivered in my wet clothes.
"Come on in." Gerard said. "God, you're freezing!" He pranced around a bit, tidying up some mess. He found a blanket and wrapped it around me. I set my guitar by the door and clutched the blanket. "How come you stink of beer?"
"Well, I was at a pary the two days ago and I didn't get a chance to wash my clothes," I explained. "Gerard, I have to tell you something."
"Look, have a shower first, get into some dry clothes. When was the last time you ate?"
"Two days ago, but I'm fine. I just have to tell you this-" But I was pushed into the bathroom.
"Strip!" Gerard ordered as he turned on the shower. I was getting no where with this. I just did as I was told. I peeled off the wet clothes and stepped into the shower. "I'll get you some clothes." He left the bathroom and I cleaned myself up.
When I was done, Gerard was there to hand me a towel and I dried myself off. He handed me some clean clothes and then another blanket.
"Lets get some food in you." Gerard said.
"Gerard, would you just stop!" I yelled at him. "I'm sorry to yell at you in your own home, but I really need to tell you something."
"Ok." Gerard said. "Let sit down on the couch." He took my hand and led me to the couch. "What's up?" He asked.
"I'm so sorry. You have to know, the only reason I lied to you about this, was because I didn't want you to blame yourself." I took a breath. "The baby was yours."
"I lied about who the father was. The baby was yours. I'm so, so sorry." I said.
"How could you not tell me this?!" Gerard yelled at me. "Why did you lie?!"
"To protect you! I didn't want you to blame yourself."
"I can't-" He began but then he stopped. "I can't believe this!"
"Please Gerard, I'm so sorry!"
"I can't look a you right now." He stormed over a bedroom door. "Feel free to stay the night, help yourself to food, but be gone in the morning." He said. "I don't want to see you ever again." He went into his bedroom and slammed the door.
I thought he might react badly, but I didn't imagine this.
About six times that night I got up to check on Gerard. Everytime I got second thoughts about knocking. About the fifth time I heard Gerard talking on the phone.
"She's here Frank, Yeah I'll be putting her on a train in the morning. Tell Aunt Jess for me." He sounded so bitter. He hated me.
The sixth time I got up I didn't even bother walking over. Instead I got a drink of water and ignored my stomach's pleas for food. I didn't want to to eat until I had spoken to Gerard again.
I lay, wrapped in a blanket the smelled exactly like him, on the couch. I was trying to sleep but my mind buzzed. There was a little voice telling me what a stupid idiot I was, and that Gerard would be better off if I just left now.
Buts its raining.
What's a little more rain. Steal a coat, you can always mail it back.
I want to talk to him.
But he doesn't want to even know you.
"He hates me." I said aloud, I turned over on the couch facing away from the bedroom door.
"About half an hour ago, I hated you." Gerard said. "But I don't know anymore." I didn't turn over, I just started crying. "Nancy, please don't cry." I heard his footsteps come close to me. He sat down next to me and put his hand on my thigh.
"I'm sorry I didn't tell you. I'm sorry that I ran away. I just made a such a mess and I needed to get away from all the guilt but that didn't help so I thought coming back and telling everyone the truth would help but it didn't and I know I'm rambling at the moment but its all I can think to do right now."
"Nancy, its ok. I understand you were only trying to help me. And for the past half an hour or so, I understand why you think, that lying to me was going to help because I would have just blamed myself. I do blame myself now. I'm an adult and I didn't even think to use-" I put up a hand to stop him.
"Don't blame yourself, Gerard. Please. There was two people having sex that day. It's both our faults." I sobbed. "I'd really like to move on now. But I need you to forgive me."
"I forgive you." Gerard started crying now. I sat up and pulled him down to cry on my chest. We stayed like this until he was all cried out. I actually thought he might have fallen asleep but then he started talking again. "So we were really going to have a baby?"
"Yeah, we were. But the baby is gone now. Its a sad thing to admit, but its gone. Its not coming back." Tears appeared again, this time they were mine. "Frank offered to help me raise it, if you weren't up to it. Of course I would have let you seen it." I added the end part quickly.
"I think its best if we all move on from this." Gerard said. "I don't want to talk about it anymore."
"That's fine with me, honey." I whispered. "That's fine with me." I closed my eyes and drifted off to sleep.
The next day, Gerard cooked me some breakfast, although he had some trouble scrambling eggs, so I did those. We changed, me in some of Gerard's clothes again and we headed to the train station. Gerard came all the way home with me where everyone was waiting. Except Frank.
I walked in and was immediatly suffocated but Aunt Jess.
"Where have you...how could you..." She was yelling in my ear.
"I think what she means is..." Mikey began. "WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?"
"and HOW COULD YOU DO THAT TO US?!" Ray added.
"Do you understand how worried we all were?" Aunt Jess said, having finally found the ability to form sentences.
"I'm sorry." I replied. "I was in Britain, I was perfectly safe with my good friend, Ian and I ran because I had to get away. I'm sorry. Where's Frank?" I asked.
"He's..." Ray began. "He was pretty heart broken, Nancy. Not only because you ran away, but because you broke his heart dude."
"Right, before I left." I remembered. I knew I had broken his heart. It broke my heart too. "I still need to see him. I want to apologise to him and I don't know, ask him out on a date. Make a real go of things."
"Are you ready for that?" Mikey asked.
"My head is still a little messed up but my heart is in the right place. And I'm hoping that Frank's will be too." I replied.
"I think it might be." Gerard said. I turned to smile at him. "Want me to drive you to his house?"
"No, I think I want to sleep in my own bed first. I'll walk over in the morning." I told him. "Thank you Gerard. For everything."
"And I mean everything." He understood the emphasis and nodded.
"Are you hungry sweetheart?" Aunt Jess asked me. I nodded enthusiastically. "I'll make your favourite. Do you guys wanna stay?"
"That'll be great but I better go see mom and dad before I head back to the city."
"And I've got check my mail for college acceptances." Mikey said.
"I'm working tonight." Ray said. "And beside, you guys will need to talk about things."
"Thats true." I replied. "Good luck Mikey, have a good day at work and say hi to the folks for me."
Once everyone left, Aunt Jess and I cooked some food and sat down on the couch to eat it with a girly movie playing.
"How was Britain?" Aunt Jess asked.
"It was good seeing everyone again, all my old friends. But it was painful. I missed everyone here." I replied truthfully.
"I'm glad you're back."
"I'm glad too." I told her. "I'm gonna go to summer school and catch up on everything I missed. I'm also gonna try really hard to finish high school and get a proper job."
"That's good. Its a good goal to have." Aunt Jess said. She wanted to say something else, but she was hesitant. "Do you want...talk about..."
"No, I don't. I just want to move on with my life." I said firmly. She took this as a signal to let it go. And I hoped everyone else would too.