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Categories > Books > Harry Potter > The Art of Manipulation

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• The Art of Manipulation

  (#) OdinMage 2011-03-10

  Overall I'm liking the story. The writing is okay, though you need to use spell check and get a beta, and the idea is something new and I really like it. For this particular chapter a few things jump out at me as odd though:
  1) You spend a paragraph talking about how record breakingly hot it was, including details about the grass and trees, etc. and in the next paragraph you have Harry go outside because it was such a nice day. You could just delete the whole 'it was hot' paragraph.
  2) What the hell kind of library can ANYONE go into and not find any reference to MERLIN?? Sure, not the details I'm sure you could find in the Wizarding World, but there are hundreds of books with Merlin in them.
  3) You spend about a paragraph explaining that Harry wasn't going to try anything until he had finished the book because it said to make sure you knew it all first, and then a few paragraphs later you have him trying to manipulate Petunia just because it is his birthday, and only getting a measly box of crackers out of it (which you then seemed to forget were in a box since you said he put several of them (implying single crackers and not hiding the box itself) in his cupboard).
  4) I could be wrong, but I'm fairly sure that in the first chapter you mentioned mind magics. I know the book wasn't going to be ABOUT legilimensy/occlumensy, but the way you have it written and who is doing the writing, it is HIGHLY likely that they would be mentioned. Even if they weren't it isn't very likely that nothing magical (aside from a few names) would be mentioned either; it was written BY a wizard FOR a wizard after all.
  Overall... well, I AM following this story since I really do like the idea, but I'm hoping you clean up the writing a bit in future chapters.

  Author's response

  Thanks for the review! You've pointed out a lot of things which I'll definitely try to fix in the future. I realize that there are quite a few mistakes, but I'll go over the stuff a couple more times the next time I write a chapter to ensure that this doesn't happen anymore.
  
  Addressing point number 4 (because that's the only one I even SLIGHTLY disagree with), this book that was written by Potter's ancestor was focused entirely on the art of manipulation, not mind magics (legillimancy, in my humble opinion, is not actually changing a person's memories/emotions, but rather taking a look at them and seeing what they consist of).
  
  As for there being nothing magical mentioned, please take note of Harry not knowing all of the words and having a difficult time understanding some things. ;)
  
  Anyway, thank you very much for your critical review (I value one critical review over one-hundred reviews filled with praises)!
  
  Hope you continue to read and criticize in the future,
  
  ~Grimaud

• The Art of Manipulation

  (#) hammerhead 2011-03-11

  I have to agree with OdinMage somewhat and wont go into a long dialog about this, that or the other. As I myself am just too damn lazy too write a story so too you who do have the guts, talent, and time go for it, my hat of to ya. I can usually figure things out, as long as...
  
  a)it is written in one of the many dialects of the English language
  b)at least half-assed thought out
  and
  c)not full of BS 13yo girl talk.
  
  So just tell me to shut up and pump out more chapters and for Gods sake don't listen to the a-holes who get on here and just start telling you how bad it is and how it sucks, I have seen far too many great stories stopped because of some idiot lets his alligator mouth over run his hummingbird ass and the writers just give up. It's your story tell like you want it told and tell the idiots to f-off.

  Author's response

  Hey hammerhead,
  
  Thanks for the advice! I think its going to take more than one person saying he dislikes my story to make me stop writing it. I've taken waaaaaaaay more heat than that before. And besides, so far I've received nothing more than helpful criticism, so no worries there.
  
  As to your points... well I don't think I could do anything other than a), I have already done b), and c)... I hope to god I don't start writing like that. As for shutting up, please don't! I like to have some critique to keep me on track. You know how we writers are -- always taking the story in the wrong direction several chapters in and then pissing everybody off.
  
  Thanks again for the review!
  
  ~Grimaud

• The Art of Manipulation

  (#) Wolfric 2011-03-14

  Good story. Thanks for writing. W.

• The Art of Manipulation

  (#) Melrose 2011-03-17

  i like your story you thought of something different it's new and i like it. don't have critics to say because in all well yet lol can't wait to read your next chapter
  
  

• The Art of Manipulation

  (#) exninja 2011-03-29

  Good story, Awaiting your next post.

• The Art of Manipulation

  (#) alpharn 2011-05-30

  sympa
  un lecteur français

• The Art of Manipulation

  (#) ddnl1 2012-05-13

  I think that this fic has a lot of potential. I can't wait to see what will happen next

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